Oh Joy!
2000-07-06 || I bet the earth is actually flat
disclaimer - If you are any bit squeamish, or offended by reality, please ignore this and move along, thanks...

So there was this kid, I think he was about 10 years old or so, can't really remember. He was a kid nonetheless. He was into some of the things that normal kids are into: skateboards, riding bikes, killing bugs, etc. I'd say he was a little bit of a "different" kid though, he didn't really have many friends. No best friend or anything like that. He had lots of records he would listen to like Paul Simon, Elton John, Led Zeppelin, Styx, Kiss, etc. he would often dream of becoming Gene Simmons one day, playing his fake guitar in his bedroom with other friends while blaring Kiss Alive II. His dad bought him a guitar at one point, but he had Attention Deficit Disorder, so he never really got into playing it much, or learning how to play the actual thing. His family life was a little bit messed up, an impending divorce, families didn't talk to families, the usual Jerry Springer bullshit, just not in a trailer park, in a modest house. He didn't really care for the family that much actually. There was the aunt that always dropped ashes all over his records when she came over stinking up his room with thos long thin brown cigarettes that for some reason smelled worse than the "regular" ones his mother smoked. Then there was the cousin. The drunk. The fuck. The cousin was always drunk, you'd swear he was related to that famous murderer, Ted Kennedy. The kid lived near the cousin, who had a few brothers and sisters. One time the kid was over there and the cousin asked him to come in to his room, and check out this Lynyrd Skynyrd record he just got. The cousin locked the door and explained that they needed to go up to the attic to get it, and that's where he listened to records, in this attic. The attic was extra creepy, as it came from a stairway inside a closet in the cousins room. They both walked up the stairs, the kid behind the cousin with his can of beer with a red white and blue label on it. "If you tell anyone about this, you're in big trouble" the cousin said to the kid, as he undid his belt. It was hot up there in that attic, so that must have been why he was undoing his pants. Although there was no record player in the attic, just a bunch of dusty old boxes filled with clothes, old games and toys and photos, presumably of the cousin when he was an innocent, just like the kid. Dirty pink insulation hung down from the ceiling and touched the sunlight, creating some interesting looking streams of dust in the sunbeams. "Come over here and do this for me" the cousin said with his pants around his ankles. The kid was apprehensive at first, but then after a minute did what he was told. This went on for a little while unnoticed by anyone. The stench of liquor on the filthy cousins mouth would from then on out always remind the kid of this part of his life anytime he ever smelled liquor on someones breath. The kid never told anyone about it until years later, he told two different people, both girlfriends that he trusted more than anyone. Perhaps two of the only people he ever trusted for the rest of his life. He went on to live a life of insecurity, and mistrust of anyone who ever came close to him. He always hated when boys would come close to him, or touch him, so he became friends with more girls than boys. He always held some sort of ill will around homosexuals from then on out, and alcoholics. He looked at the later as weak folk who were so fucked up that they needed this thing to escape. He knew his cousin had some serious problems, but perhaps these were caused by the alcohol he thought. Maybe he was normal, when he got to drinking maybe his evil side came out. Everyone has some bit of evil in them, it will come out at some point. Most people are strong enough to keep it inside, if not, there would be more of a rash of highway shootings, and what do they call them "aggressive drivers" killing each other. Most people keep any of that shit deep down, and never let it out, it's there, you just have to keep it in. The kid seemed to have alot of this evil inside of him after this period in his life. The cousin is long gone at this point, and the kid is living his life now, generally content and happy, but a little fucked up with some trust issues.

I don't really think I have learned to trust people yet. I think that if I could go back and change one thing, it would be to take back the anger I have inside at people for who they are and what they do. I've pissed alot of people off because I have issues with certain things, and I speak about them openly if I feel and want to. I have no reason to have compassion for alcoholics, I don't really care if it's a disease. You make a fucking choice, then fucking live with it, as long as you don't get in my way, or anyone I loves' way, do what you will, but don't come crying to me for help if you're down in the dumps that you can't handle life. Look out the window and look up at the sky if you want a release, but don't fucking come to me, you're making a fool out of yourself, and you're wasting my time. I could just as easily slap you upside the head and tell you to grow up, but you probably would not even feel it. I have no real problem with homosexuals, that would be too easy, a cop out. My cousin was not a homosexual like the guy I work with, or my friend that works at the record store, or any number of homosexuals I know, they are normal everyday people, that are not heterosexual, big deal. My cousin was a pervert, a drunk fucking pervert that liked little boys. There would be no reason for me to hate homosexuals, I'm not prejudice against them whatsoever. I do know that I needed to get this out on paper at one point. It's not really an issue that I think about whatsoever anymore, and it doesn't even really bother me, but it's been inside, and since this is semi-anonymous, why not. I do what I do every day, and I'm generally happy, I'm not going to let something like that get me down by dwelling on it. It happened 20 years ago, and now it's over. But I do know that this made a huge impact on who I am and why I am like I am. I never tell anyone anything I'm thinking, I never tell anyone answers, I never want to. I never feel like I should have to. "I've been hurt, I've had drama in my life, I don't need to tell you anything!!". I know, a pretty stupid fucking way to be, but it's the way it is. I've tried to open up to people before, and more times than none I just end up getting let down, or stepped on. If I find someone some day whom I really, really share something special with, perhaps I will finally come out and play. For now though, it's James Bond. There have been two people in my life that I felt were very special to me, I've lost touch with one of them, and the other I talk to from time to time and still will tell her anything. She knows everything about me, and I think I know everything about her. I miss having that. I'd love to be myself in front of someone. Nobody has really given me the slow ass time it takes to do that though. I need to tell right away. I need to open the floodgates, not one window at a time apparently. I will never be like that. Not that I'm some super greatest guy in the world, that will all of a sudden turn into the man of someones dreams, but I feel like I have alot to give and I want to wait. There's nothing better in the world than discovery, discovery of a new person, or self discovery. Discovering a whole other side of a person, or whole 8 other sides to a person, there's no better feeling in the world than that. I'd give anything to feel that again.

Tonight I got home and the women from next door were outside waiting for their daughter(and grand daughter) to come home. Apparently some guy robbed a bank today and is on the loose in our neighborhood. It's a bit scary as right outside my window is the woods where he supposedly is. I should probably stay up all night, or sleep with the sword in my bed(okay, it's one of those Samurai swords, I bought it years ago, it's not sharpened, but I think I could konk a bad guy over the head with it and make it on the news by capturing the guy). The guy is from my old town, and the name sounds familiar (the news showed a pic but I missed it. I probably went to school with him). I'll have to check the 1AM news to see him. That would be pretty funny if I went to school with him. It seem that most of the guys I went to school with are either a) Football coaches at the school, b) Landscapers, or c) Cops. I don't think I went to school with any nuts though. Except for David Baxter. David was right out of Revenge Of The Nerds, those glasses (the ones that are all of a sudden cool again, when we know only Elvis Costello looks good in them), and just a nutty look about him. He worked at the pizza shop down the street, and years after we graduated, one would often see David driving his car with a 13 or 14 year old girl in the passenger seat. Eventually David got driven out of town, after he allegedly touched some girl in the back room of the pizza shop. I love that pizza by the way. If you're ever in Swampscott, MA I would recommend it, they used to cut it into squares, or four cuts across one part of the circle, and four across the other. You never wanted the middle piece (unless you used a fork and knife to eat pizza, which is what I do most of the time. I've heard that's a Boston thing to do. If you happen to live out of Massachusetts, and eat pizza with a fork and knofe on occassion, please contact me. I can't go on thinking I'm the only one.) as it dripped everywhere and was soggy as a piece of greasy pizza can get. They are located right across the street from the train station(3 stops out of North Station in Boston, a mere 25 minute ride! Much better than the other option which would have you get on Route 1A for an hour or so with red lights, traffic, etc. and take a left at the liquor store after the "Entering Swampscott" sign, go up two blocks and there you are with the pizza, and no worries about "The Bax Man" as they used to call him making your pizza.

The first band rehearsal since...June 15th or so was okay, a little rusty, my voice sounds like shit right now, and my guitar playing is as bad as it gets (which is just a little below my best guitar playing : ) ), but I had fun anyway. Right now, creating is all I really care about. Give me a guitar, a keyboard, and a bunch of music to listen to and I'm happy. No need for me to get caught up in anything right now other than my outlets. My outlets and interactions with people have become minimal as I always want to "get home and do something". I don't feel comfortable being with a group of people, and I don't feel like looking at the floor, I'd rather look at the sky, or look at the road in front of me hoping something jumps in front of me to screech on the brakes and stop this fucking ride.

before & after