Oh Joy!
2000-07-05 || forgive me, someone

Aside from the fact that it is loud as fuck in here, thanks to some people with large vocal ranges, work is relatively painless. I thought it was going to be a mess of paperwork on my desk and phone calls up my ass. I delegated some of the work to others in here, and they actually did it! Good for them, better for me, thank you very much. I think I�m in a good mood today. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Today was the day that I consider I have to go back to normal every day life. I guess for the past 2 � weeks I felt on vacation from work, as well as myself. Sure there is no �myself� that anyone knows, especially on here, nobody knows that boring person. The drama teacher/escape artist that is me on here was on over drive the past couple of weeks. Vacations do something to me I think. Perhaps I should try and explain, but that would just be pointless at this point. I am what I am, and I do what I want. I�ve never really thought about things I do or say before I do or say them. I like to just put it out there, and sort of see whar happens. Let�s see what happens when we mix ammonia and bleach.

So upon reaching Nashville Tennessee I pulled into the hotel parking lot. It was hot out, evident from the wet people sitting by the swimming pool I spied from my air-conditioned car. I checked into the hotel, brought my bags in and lay on the bed wondering if I should really do it. Why the hell did I even bring my bags in? I made my way to Kinkos where I updated this thing, and then wrote a letter. A fairly short letter. I copied 5 of them and put them in envelopes with no return address. Making my way back to the car I was a little nervous, but there was no turning back at this point. I drove to the gun shop I found in the phone book at the hotel. I sat in the car for 45 minutes in the parking lot of the place listening to music. Django Reinhardt. I snapped all of a sudden. �Am I fucking serious?� I said aloud. Listening to the music brought a new feeling to me I had never felt before. I really was glad to be alive. I was in a bad place, a really fucking bad place at that moment, and for a few days prior. Nothing changed my mind but the music. Nothing right now is happening that is the best thing in the world, but regardless, I can listen to Django Reinhardt and crack a smile. Django saved mine, and someones life in a way. That night Heather called me, or Stefanie can�t remember, but I talked to both of them. I obviously just played the game and said �Having a great time, wish you were here�. Loneliness is the most horrible feeling in the world. Independence is the greatest feeling in the world. When they getr blurred though, shitty things happen. I�m here now. I breathe. I talk. I type. I eat. I drink. I smoke a cigarette. I�ll be here for a little while longer I guess.

before & after