4th of July. What a holiday man. I can't think of a more bland holiday. Well, all holidays are pretty boring at my age. I don't really care to see family or people I haven't seen in ages, so what's the point? I just don't want to go through the talking part of seeing someone from back when. I should print out a sheet of paper and give it to people I know who are going to the cookouts and parties that my friends or family will be at. "Here, Christian regrets he could not make it, he was taking a shower, but this is all of the things that are happening in his life right now" Hell it would save them breath as well. I know I always feel strange speaking for others "How's Joe doing?" "ummmmm he's okay, he had one of his testicles removed but, he's okay now, he's half the man he was" I should start doing that when I go out and someone is notably absent. Just make shit up. Maybe not as bad as that, but something silly. Wait until someone is good and drunk at a party and start spreading absurd rumors about people, that way they won't be able to remember who told them. "Hey did you here, Matt is going to modeling school, no really", "Kerry? She's alright, if you can count having 3 abortions in a year okay", etc. So I always get in these moods on holidays. I just dropped someone off in downtown Salem and there were people all over the fucking place. Some guy started beeping at me because I "cut him off". Thankfully I had my medication, I get pissed too easy if not. I always want to rip someones head off. It's all a bit strange to me, that that guy comes out of me. Sort of like that movie last night. In America anyway, holidays seem to be the time where people think they have some sort of excuse to escape from the everyday, let loose, forget about everything. Isn't that what the weekend is for in general? It's just funny watching television or reading the newspaper and seeing all the ads for beer and lawn chairs and red meat. They might as well just come right out and say it: "THIS WEEKEND GET AS FUCKED UP AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!!! DRINK 26 BUDWEISERS, DRIVE A CHEVY!!!!!DON'T WORRY ALL OF YOUR INSECURITIES WILL STILL BE THERE THE NEXT MORNING!!!!WE'LL HAVE YOUR MONEY, YOU'LL HAVE A HEADACHE, A LITTLE LESS OF A LIVER, AND GUESS WHAT, YOU STILL WAKE UP WITH ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS STARING YOU IN THE FACE!!!!IT'S OKAY THOUGH, YOU CAN DO IT EVERY SINGLE NIGHT IF YOU'D LIKE IT WON'T HELP YOU ONE BIT, AS LONG AS YOU KEEP BELIEVING IT WILL THAT'S COOL WITH US!!! And oh yeah, please drink responsibly".

It's strange when I think back to all of the old friends I've had over the years, i can't really remember anything about them, or why I'm not friends with them anymore. They all still hang out, I'm just not there. I wonder if that will happen now. I always seem to piss someone off at one point, and that's it. I've known most of my current friends for a long time now though. I think all the old ones just sucked, that's all.

So there was this guy I knew a long time ago. He had a friend he considered one of his best friends. He could always call this friend for any favor. He could call this friend at any time to just shoot the shit and the friend was always willing to sit on the phone and listen. This guy always counted on the friend and trusted the friend and what came out of the friends mouth. The friend had some problems like everyone. Sometimes though, the guy would get pissed because one night the friend would be telling them all about a specific problem, and then the next night go out and partake in the problem that the friend just told the guy about. The friend once apparently told the guy about the root of their problems and what caused them, and then went to that root for some reason the guy could not figure out. I think the guy told me that there were a few times when he just gave up on the friend because the friend was "beyond help". I told the guy, "no don't give up on the friend the friend seems like a good person, perhaps the friend just needs something bad to happen and they'll be scared into change". Nothing bad ever happened to the friend as far as I know though. The guy eventually just realized he was maybe growing apart from the friend and that it wasn't that big of a deal. People change for the better, and some for the worse. The guy needed to just deal with himself and stop worrying about other people. It's a selfish world, when you're dealing with escape artists, there's no key you can give them to help.

I love the feeling of my arms after lifting weights, it's painful and soothing at the same time. Your stomach burns and you get filled with energy and positive vibrations. This doesn't happen during anything else for me. I like the feel of some sort of progress with myself. I think I want to get my physical being in charge before I even begin on the internal things. It's far too much to worry about right now thanks. If professionals can't help, I'll leave it alone. Maybe body and mind is the balance, and that's all it is. I'll get back to you on this. Until then, yes I'm normal, there's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with getting high and lifting weights is there?

So tomorrow I get to get asked "How was your trip?" I'm going to say 22 times. I'll put the total up on here tomorrow most likely...

So the band may have a show at the end of July according to Breaux. Why do I have to be in a band with people with strange names? "Breaux", "Aarne". I talked to him today, we are going to get some recording soon, and put out a CD. That should be pretty cool I think we're ready to take on the world : ) I played guitar for a little today. I can't wait to play tomorrow night. I could play for 3 hours straight, it's so meditative. I get lost in it most nights, it feels nice. Improvising and coming up with songs like that is our main thing. I can't really sit down and just write a song anymore. Most of the time we just put our instruments on, hit record on the tape deck, someone starts, the next one follows and embelishes, and so on. We then listen and find good things to put together, put some lyrics around it and we have a song. Right now we are more than ready to step on a stage though.

Today I was thinking of the situation with Jessica a few months ago. What a silly thing that was. You get curious at one point in your life. A long ass time ago. I remember hanging with her when we met years ago and we would go and drink, her attitude was always so negative and bitchy, but I thought she was cool because her personality was so fucking strange and neurotic that I wanted her. Nothing ever happened though. I grew apart from her slowly and that was that, no more. She would get in fights, etc. When I saw her a few months ago and then hung out with her I realized she was the same person just older. I got to see the side of her I wanted to see 10 years ago, and it was exactly like I pictured it. Very good, as well as very bad. All of that is too heavy for me anyway. I know a lot of people who can just kiss people here and there, to me though, it's just as close as sex. I can't just have some kiss here and there. I need to feel it inside. Sure it can be casual, but never with someone I just met. How fucked up is that? People do that apparently, sorry but when I was growing up there was something called "herpes" going around. She called a few weeks ago and I still have not called her back. I don't think I could ever call her back she is so not someone I would spend time with. She would end up being let out of my car in the middle of the night somewhere if I had to put up with her : )

There are 3 people in the world I could throw out of my car at any given time. I'm a bit too tired to even list them right now though...

before & after