Oh Joy!
2000-07-04 || Okay first we're going to take your head apart, and then we'll tell you what we did with your girlfriend
sound = Stones - Their Satanic Majesties Request

I think that this record is overlooked, it's good. If you don't feel like listening to the Stones, but you sort of do, this one works well. I highly doubt it will make it all the way through this entry though, as I get picky with the music this late at night I can spend 15 minutes trying to find what 5 CD's to put on random in the changer for my "going to sleep now music". I cannot for the life of me go to sleep in the quiet, partly because I hear a slight ringing ala Pete Townsend, and partly because I need music every single waking moment. It helps me through the day, i cannot imagine what it must be like to not have it. I specifically have never murdered anyone because I'm not sure if they let you have music in prison. Moral and ethical issues aside, that is what holds me back from killing people...kidding : ) Anyway, to go to sleep I need 5 CD's with a little consistency. You're not going to fall asleep listening to Billie Holiday, Guided By Voices and...Ozric Tentacles say. I usually just pick 5 by the same artist, but sometimes I'll get a little wacky and throw 5 different people on at once. Oooh watch out, don't let me get to crazy. All of this trouble for something I'm going to hear for about 10 minutes before trailing off to sleep. I have problems sleeping lately, aside from the dreams from some fucking place I do not know, I just lack the desire to go to bed early. I need to get in the practice of that though. I'm thinking of going "Junior High School Style"(only going out on weekends) for a while, but who knows, someone always pulls me out of the house for something "exciting"(okay no more Stones, the soundtrack is now Can - Anthology this will work a little better with this state of mind ;)).

I'm so fucking addicted to things I cannot stop doing to myself. I'm addicted to this smoke, I'm addicted to this coffee. Why would one sit up late at night smoking pot, cigarettes, and drinking hot coffee in the hot summer night(cheesy as it may be, "Summer Nights" by Van Halen is one of my favorite songs that involves Sammy Hagar. Nobody in their right mind should ever even have to comprehend a list of "favorite songs that involve Sammy Hagar, but if I had to choose my top ones they would be, in no particular order: 1) Summer Nights- Van Halen, 2) Poundcake - Van Halen, 3) There's Only One Way To Rock - solo, 4) that's enough of that, I forgot this is public, one should never admit any sort of adoration for the Red Rocker in public[which brings another list to mind then since I'm feeling a little "open" tonight" here are my top 5 artists I like that I feel like I shouldn't, and why: 1) Huey Lewis- come on he's got so many hit songs, and you know you know the words to every single one of them 2) Queensryche - not really embarassed by this one, but most of my friends do not like them at all 3) Rod Stewart - another thing actually one should not be afraid to like, he's got some great early stuff from the Faces up until that "Do Ya Think I'm sexy?" era 4) Rush - my junior high yearbook lists my hobbies as "Rush, concerts, guitar, and Dungeons and Dragons" I can never get sick of them though. 5) Steely Dan - I'm seeing them live in a couple of weeks, some of the most brilliantly clever lyrics around even if the music is a bit "white jazz"{Wayne Shorter played with them!} 6) Michael Jackson - I'm sorry but nothing else could have gotten us through the hour traffic jam into the Phish show in Hartford the other night like Off The Wall did], he's a silly man that looks like a cross between Robert Plant and Bette Midler)? Perhaps it's a death wish that I don't know about? Perhaps I am after all the weak person I never wanted to be. Either way, some things have a hold of me, and I am going to try and stop. Everything is just as good, if not better, through a clean window, as it is through one with extra sparkle. Let's get high and lift weights now. After Phish tour I told myself I would quit smoking pot. I ran out exactly at the last show on Saturday or whenever the hell that was. Last night someone approached me and said they had some for sale. "Sure I'll take some" I replied. It's as if I don't even listen to myself talk. I do so much fucking talking to myself and thinking about everything all the time, but it goes in one ear and out the other. What is the purpose of making promises to yourself if you can't keep them? I know how I am straight. I feel so much better, yet i feel this desire to get high. I don't even get high anymore though. It's now just something I put in my lungs for a little while and feel a tiny bit euphoric. They say marijuana is a gateway drug. I've never had the desire to do anything more though. It's funny watching people more than happy to just drop acid at the drop of a hat, or snort ridalin, or do ecstasy. If that seems so absurd to me, who the fuck do I think I am? Do I really feel better because I "just smoke pot, no booze, no hard drugs"? Do I really think I'm escaping something? There is nothing bad for me to escape here. Do I enjoy the lack of energy I have lately? No I don't. I'm going to try this time for real, and I'll succeed. There's no reason to continue something that has been such a big part of my life for years anymore. It's not giving me anything. I want shit handed to me, good shit. Things you need to work for, things I deserve. I don't need this anymore. I don't need anything but me right now.

Christian and I saw Me, Myself and Irene tonight, it was funny as hell I thought. I love Jim Carrey. The funniest part of the movie was actually before we even stepped into the theatre though. I went into the bathroom and ran into Matt. He was there with Dorian, Christians ex-girlfriend who I think it's safe to say he fancies. He asked who I was with and I said "Christian, you're in trouble now". They invited us over to her house after the film, but we never went. Not sure what his intentions are, but there is a bit of confusion on his part I think. I'll stop there though, I shouldn't really be talking shit here.

I need to get back to band rehearsal. I need an outlet. I've been writing alot on here, as well as in private since I've gotten back. I've been working on some stories for a hell of a long time and I want to concentrate on those ideas, as vacation gave me some great material to work with. One of the main reasons I take those trips is to take in all the people you meet and see along the way. New cities, new faces, new environments, new shit to look at, new words in my head. I want to write more songs, I want to play live in front of an audience, it's been so freakin long since I did that. I love the feeling of walking on a stage as horribly nervous as I usually get. I hope I can remember our songs, it's only been a couple of weeks, but I need to plug the guitar in again. I played for the first time tonight, I learned Loving Cup by the Stones, and re-learned Stuck Inside of Mobile (With The Memphis Blues Again)[my complete-all-time-without-a-doubt favorite song of all time] tonight. I can't see ever covering them with this band though.

I always try and remember the little things like what you were wearing this particular time. The words you said to me on this particular night. I don't think I can forget the details of anything we've done together. I don't think I can ever get you out of my head. I don't fault anyone really here, you warned me a little bit. I could not back off from a warning I took light hearted. The curiosity was killing me for a long time. Spending time with women with dark lipstick, and even darker pasts could not cure me. No, it's more that wanting to "get a little". Who the hell wants that any more? I certainly don't. I'll take the "little" I've gotten in my life and deal with that. I want alot, perhaps too much for me to handle. Like how I pick 5 things out to do instead of 2. Like I order 2 servings instead of 1. Like how I put myself in front of the judge and tell him I want to plead my case and then don't tell him shit. Like how I hide behind a facade of smiles and marijuana smoke. This is going to help me sure. In the face of reality how will I handle myself though? Will I crawl under my desk clutching my stapler hoping to put myself back together with it, or will I ask you to pull up a chair and look at my paperwork? How do you approach this sir? Well first we look at the progress so far, and then we look at the past. The final thing though is never ever under any circumstance let your mouth do the talking...always use that thing in your chest son.

before & after