Oh Joy!
2000-07-03 || the last big party of the summer and I'm wearing sneakers instead of shoes
So what are you scared of your own shadow now? I just pulled in from a long night of being social and I saw my reflection and jumped a little. Ha. I went out with Matt, Christian, and his brother Jon who I used to be best friends with (he moved away. It was good to see him I hadn't talked to him in years. We then went to the bar and played some pool, I had one drink and remembered the taste was yucky with drinks. I ran into some old friend and started talking to him for a while after a "how old are you now?" conversation it turns out we have the exact same birthday, down to the year. 11/3/69. Strange stuff...The things you learn in a bar. Normally I can't get a sense if someone is "doing their thing" or hitting on me or whatnot. Perhaps because it never happens! Anyway, a person I've known for a while, but never talked to was with this group of people I knew and one of them started talking to me and sending me those signals immediately. I backed off exactly when that happened. It's one thing to have a friendly conversation with a "stranger", another to come too close in someones space. That loses points immediately with me thanks. I think I'm a good judge of character, and I don't think what I'm looking for was leaning against a pool table next to me in the bar tonight though. Currently, and for the past couple of months I think I've completely shut off any of that "who is that girl?" thinking in my brain. You feel like you're not able to think about that at all. The young witch clenched her eyes shut and shook her nose three times, and she was where she wanted to be, with no distractions. She thought she knew what she wanted, and apparently she did, as she was brought there immediately. Is it that easy for witches? Steve Hill also got hit on tonight. His girlfriend is out of town for a few days so we joked after that he should have taken advantage of the situation. Anyway if you know Steve you just know he can't handle that type of situation, and to have some girl come up and say "you look like an interesting person" and to have him reply "I'm not really though" was funny. So i saw everyone I wanted to see today for the first time in a couple of weeks. Nothing has changed, everyone is still alive and well I guess.

At 4:02 AM EST it seems that there's a situation going on. Every single time I walk through the door I feel the wind blow harder on my face. I feel the room. There's a magnet on this chair. There's a magnet on the weights. There's a magnet on the bed. There's a magnet on this chair. There's a magnet on the cigarette lighter. There's a magnet on the words that she says. There's a magnet on the guitar. There is something that pulls me here and there everyday. There's the subtle cry for help here and there. There's the confusion about who I really am when I sit here. There's confusion as to who I really want. So what is this phone call for? So what did I just tell you? Wait a minute, I'm not sure I put it correctly. I wonder how the magnet on the alarm clock will work on Wednesday. What happens at work? I have no clue, I haven't been there since Junefucking16th. I hear birds that are signalling me to get back into the swing of things and get to bed early. I hear voices telling me "sorry, I can't help, you're on your own kid". I hear this and I wonder how to approach it. I hear the voices of people I haven't seen in months or years and they tell me the same thing they told me the last time we saw each other. I always feel like something is pulling me to just stay down. Duck for cover, you're about to get hit by a hand grenade that's going to blow everything to hell around you. I hear that I can't talk about anything serious. I joke too much with people about things I shouldn't joke about. I talk too much when I'm alone. Why is that? I can't hold a conversation that they want me to hold. It's not in me tonight dude. I can't talk about her, and I can't talk about your dick. I don't want that conversation tonight. It's the same conversation we just had on the phone, and now it made my ear still ache from it. Not inside, but outside. It's always her and her and her with you. They all would love you if you took off the sunglasses I think. Johnny Bravo has now left the building. Remember when he blew off that camping trip because he was too cool? I think you should go on the camping trip with us all. It just feels like a better way to be. It's not me when I nod in agreement, perhaps it's the guy you want there. Perhaps we can all find a place to talk like that, but at a little after 4AM right now I don't even want to be talking about it. Maybe a Tori Amos CD would work.

before & after