I've just returned from the last Phish show in Connecticut. It feels very good to be settled here now. I don't have work until Wednesday either, so that's a bonus. I can't believe how time acts to me when I travel. There were days where the time would speed by me, no waiting for anything, no long lines, just a jet plane flying by me. I've had absolutely no idea what day of the week it was, what state I was in. Right now I'm in Catatonia, Massachusetts, I mean Salem, Masssachusetts, enjoying the cool ocean breeze, digging the future before it happens. The shows were some of the best I've seen, I have now seen the band 63 times. Yikes...4 more coming up in September. I met alot of good people over the past two weeks, no one I'd like to spend quality hours with, as we all come from different places, and times, but I had a good time with the small talk, and the stories of how you spent your time in traffic, and how your ride was, and what other cities you were catching the band in. "The circus is the place for me, with bears and clowns and noise, I love the shiny music that descends from over head" that's a line from Roggae, which they played tonight, it sums up the whole thing for me in that one line. I loved it more than ever this year, and I look forward to yeards more of this. Hoo hoo.

You ended up having bad skin, losing too much weight and getting rid of that original sparkle in your eye. You got rid of the way you used to look at boys. You stopped kissing as good as you could. I remember you being the best kisser in the world. Listening to Dag Nasty records while we drove around and I showed you how to drive. I couldn't tell you what we talked about, but we spent alot of time staring at the ocean and staring at our feet. You lost that fucking look you had. Where has it gone, can I go search for it, and give it to you when I go searching for you as well? Can we meet up on the Sally Jessie Rafeal show? Can we have a reunion, and see if the spark will still ignite the night as it did in the Pontiac? Remember how fucking destroyed everything was in the aftermath. I still have the letter. The famous letter of apology from you. You said we'd meet sometime again on the avenue, the only avenue I see us meeting on is the avenue of nothing. I know where you are, you're alot closer than I thought. I'd have you like that, in a split second, I'd have you over for cigarettes and new wave cd's. I'd have you come over and apologize now, years later. I wonder how you would feel if you knew I even thought about this. The letter said I was the most important person in your life ever. Why can't I come by work and visit you? I know where you are. I know damn well that you would feel strange seeing me now, this far along. We've not seen each other in years, yet you would be apprehensive of me, after what I did to you. You would have to hesitate. I told you I would never stop, I told you I would keep this up forever. You cannot be forgiven. You can be my favorite person in the world again though. Whether it's my favorite person to fuck, or my favorite person to pick on, I'd let you have that.

before & after