Oh Joy!
2000-07-02 || the curtain closing on you, instead of me, the big star
soundtrack-Getz/Gilberto box set

It's "early" in the AM and I feel achey isthathowyouspellthat? I am going to do some after vacation things like get pictures developed, wash car, make phone calls, lift weights, make sure all calenders are correct, as well as clocks, refile all of the music I took with me, go sell some used CD's that I do not need anymore(like the new Sinead O'Connor which I had with me on my trip[a promo copy] but never touched, I've decided to sell it without even hearing it now), find all the bills I need to pay, get a high powered rifle and take out the drummers in the marching band in the park down the street presumably getting ready for some sort of Independence Day parade of sorts.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, so what do you want to do with it? Do you want to die an avoidable death at a young age before seeing the great plains, or the grand canyon? Do you want to continue to be the person you are? Do you want to remove yourself from the former lifestyle which you lead? Do you want to play games still? Do you want to learn how to play the guitar even better? Do you want to sing songs about girls you don't have? Do you want to sit in front of a computer all day and night? Do you want "those thoughts" to keep coming into your head? The ones that kept you up in the middle of the night for such a long time now? The thoughts of horror, suffering and tragedy? Do you want to live forever? Or do you want to take it one day at a time? You have all of this information at your fingertips. You have all of this love surrounding you, is that the way out? Is attention the main key with you? Is bringing others into your bullshit the only game you can play? Is it worth it to lose people for your own selfishness? You say you never asked for things to get difficult, yet you were always more than happy to just jump into the deepest end. You were always happy to take the risk. You're scared to fucking death of what's going to happen aren't you? You think about dying everyday without a smile on your face. You think this is it, there's nothing you can do. You think this is the end of everything, the end of the road. The elevator stops here, now get out, and jump back to the bottom, we can't help you. You keep thinking that this is going to just change, it just goes away because you avoided everything for a few. Look at you though, immediately back in the limelight with your mouth and hands. Look at yourself in the mirror and see the change, do you even see it? Do you see the same person? Do you feel like your money was well spent. Did the doctor do his or her job correctly for you. Are you cured? Did you find the cure you were looking for? Did you find the people you needed to be with for the advancement of just you and only you? Did you find yourself there? Tell me now if you're really going to change, because I am really sick to death of trying to help you. I thought I gave up after the last episode. I thought I gave you enough chances son. I thought that we had sorted everything out, and we were well on our way to becoming the monster we wanted to be. Not the bad monster that eats up Japanese subway cars and steps on news trucks, the good monster that rocked the world with positive energy and good things to say all the time. I thought we were now one person, not 16 different ones. I thought that we could finally draw the curtain and turn that old dusty orange lamp on (i always hated that thing) and sit in peace. I thought we were now ready to walk off into the sunset with our suitcases and get away for good. I thought that there would be that day when the credits rolled and we would not ever have a starring role. I thought that nobody would ever hear any of this. I thought we knew each other alot better than this. I guess it all boils down to you looking in the mirror to look in your eyes, not to check to see if there are any blemishes on your face. That's your main issue. You are worried what people think about you. I;ve told you a million times it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about you. Be yourself, be happy with that, they don't matter. Nobody matters in the long run. Look at your eyes, the bags look great on you. I like that you look ten years older than you really are. I like that when you look in the mirror you're thinking of what they all see. They see someone different I'm sure of that by a long shot. Who do you see though? Do you see you, or some asshole you just met? Your problem has always been insecurity, your problem has always been with people. You care too much. Nobody minds that you wear that, nobody minds when you say that. But it bothers you every night in bed, it keeps you up late at night. It makes you crazy to know that people may be talking negatively about you. It makes you happy to know you're getting some sort of attention thouhg. It makes you smile to know that they look at you as the odd one. It makes you drunk wth contentment when the phone rings and someone smiles and says "hello you" on the other end. It makes it so easy for you to forget all of this shit I'm reminding you of when someone smiles at you and makes you feel liked. It makes you feel like a million bucks when you get up in the morning and the sun is shining on you, not them. It makes them cofused the way you act sometimes. How come you can't tell them what's up? Nobody will care. They'll care, but it will be a good care. Nobody will let you jump out of the window, nobody will let you waste your money on badly mixed drinks, and mean women. Nobody will let you fall down. Nobody is going to let you jump out of the window without a net on the bottom. I know you want to see yourself in the mirror before you land on the ground. I know you want that last look at yourself before the final time. I know you feel as if you can't get help. I'm here to tell you you have all the help right there in your head. You have all the answers. You have all the pieces to the puzzle in your hand there, it's now your job to put them back together. It's not a big blan white puzzle with pieces that all look the same. There is a big picture there. It is one of a kind. It's the same puzzle you did as a kid with your dad. The one of the castle in the trees. All of the pieces are different. A 9 year old boy can put it together, yet you can't even lay them down on the table to put them together. The easiest puzzle ever created, and you are deciding to just sit there and look in the mirror all day. How's the hair? How's that shirt? I think you look okay. I really don't want to just sit down with you again and go over all of this. I want to have to leave now and go on somewhere else, this place is not where I wanted to be at this age. This is not where I planned to be, and it's definitely not where you should be. I won't give up on you, but please remember that it all doesn't matter really.

before & after