No bombs went off today really, just inside me anyway. I wish I knew the correct way to go about certain things. Regardless, sometimes I don't feel that good about things in general. I'm at the point now where I don't even feel that good about being on vacation. It's great to not have to go to work and have any sort of responsibilty for a couple weeks, but it's also non-productive. I've just spent my Saturday night taking a little drive with a friend, and then coming home to lift weights and work out, taking full advantage of the sweltering weather we're having in Boston today. I couldn't bear to go out and be social tonight at all. I've never been a crowd person, or a party person for that matter. I do much better with the one on one, or by myself. Being in a crowd of people makes me nervous and generally unhappy in more ways than one. So, even though I'm going to be alone for a week and a half (before Jeremy meets me in New Jersey on the way back up north for the last 4 days of the vacation), I had no desire whatsoever to be around people tonight. The same old faces of people I don't know or care to ever know. The same people my friends are friends with that I don't really care about. The frat boy is leaving for good soon. This is good, I don't think I've ever met a more fake, weak person in my life. His life revolves around alcohol, and himself. He offers nothing to a person but his opinions. The night he lectured Matt for two hours was a low point also. Nothing better than belligerent drunk bullshit coming out of a 20 year olds mouth. He is definitely not fit to be a daddy that's for sure. Good luck. Bon Voyage...ad nauseam.

I haven't been drunk in a few months now, or maybe two who knows. I feel a little better. No more headaches. I'm told not to drink and mix it with...stuff, so I don't.

As of June 18th, 1:00 AM EST I feel like I am in the middle of a whirlwind of emotions. Haven't felt like going out much lately. It's hot, and I guess I should get out. It also seems like nobody evere wants to venture outside of Salem Massachusetts. I remember back when we never hung around here, it was either the city all the time, or up north, or just a long drive now and again. People want convenience nowadays, maybe people are impatient, they don't want to deal with the long drive to nowhere. I've gone from feeling on top of the world, to down with frustration, and exhaustion in a matter of days. I can't get things out of my head. They're not bad things, just things that are making me think way too much. 9. etc. I have candles lit in here tonight, and I feel like I'm in that room. I know that room by heart now. From the first time I ever walked in that room I felt good. There is good energy in there I think...

I recently walked into this restaurant near here for dinner. The smoking are was pretty empty for a Thursday night at 8pm. Green everywhere. Green chairs. Green booths. Crisp salads being eaten. I was overwhelmed by green. The waitress with the big teeth and bad eyeliner was wearing green, as were all of the relatively laid back wait staff. Perhaps because of the fact that there were only 6 people in the 20 something table room. So here I am surrounded by green sitting there thinking about how much I hate the fact that I look around at the two couples and one man at the bar and I can't be that right now. I can't have the nice dinner out. I also can't have the contented look like the blue collar guy at the bar. He probably makes good money. Likes to have a beer after work before going home to have another beer and fall asleep in front of the tv before they even get to the sports on the news. I don't get contentment. I get uneasy. I get jealous. Jealous that I can't deal with people or situations like most people. Jealous that the kid with the Rage Against The Machine t-shirt is happy that his girlfriend is going to also call him tomorrow as well, not just tonight. Everyone else learned how to act. I'll be green the whole vacation. Traveling by myself seeing people for a minute, ten minutes, an hour or whatever. I can watch a couple of hours of television in a sterile hotel atmosphere before I start pacing back and forth ready to pick up the phone. Or looking at it to see if it's going to ring, or rang when I wasn't paying attention. Is anybody outside the door waiting? Is this little world inside there surrounded by cigarette packs and empty coffee cups that glamorous? Yes it is actually. I love the hotel/motel life. It's so surreal in there after a few nights. Again I picked the same chain a bunch of nights in a row (Motel 6-thifty! and you get HBO!). It always feels strange when you walk into the same exact room 5 nights in a row, all different cities. I'm excited about getting to leave every single light on in the room. You never get to do that. You can go out and leave the television on and all the lights. Hell, why not be completely not politically correct and leave all of the water just running while you are out for the day exploring and shopping, etc. I look forward to seeing some new places I've never seen before. I've always wanted to go to Nashville. I also thought of it as maybe checking it out as a place to live. That's a wild shot though. Just a thought. I'd love to relocate though. I love Boston, but it would be nice to "start over" somewhere complately different from here. The attitude up here is so shitty sometimes. Hence my disdain for crowds, etc. Either way I llok forward to sitting in the room listening to Elvis Costello and making pretend there's a big 8th letter of the alphabet on the ceiling.

before & after