It's getting hot. I've been hot all day. It's a bit cold out, but me, I feel hot. Everywhere I went today, it was fucking hot. So after a tiny bit of post rehearsal confusion, I'm home. It's 11:30, and there is some serious shit happening on the "home front" that I am not really going to get into in public, but I felt compelled to come home and deal here. Some nights I just can't be outside. Some nights the last thing I want to do is talk to people. Some nights I feel like if I do alot of talking, I won't be able to do any thinking later on in the night. All of my information will be released into the air. Sure I can gather information, and get high off of the great people that I hang out with. Tonight though...I had a slight bit of "that feeling"( see entry "==========" ), so rather than go out and be a bummer I need to come home and release it on the weights or by going to sleep. Tonight was one of those nights. I hate that part. I hate when it comes out. Today I actually said to myself "I wonder if I could go the rest of the time at home without having that feeling overwhelm me". I have nothing for it tonight. There are so many people I love. But there's so many times I wish I hadn't just seen them. Would it be better to just blow them off and not show up? Perhaps they notice, "oh, he's probably being an asshole...well that's thoughtful that he didn't hang out and take it out on us". I don't like ever showing this side of me to people. I have no way to explain it but...forget it. This feeling along with this new shit here is not a good mixture. There may even be a possibility of me just staying here instead of going away to Tennessee. I highly doubt that, but...I can't smell beer now. Not that it makes me want it, I just have turned that thing back on. Not because I "hate drinking blah blah blah", but because I've gained weight, and lost money doing it. I really can't be spending money on it right now, or else I'll just buy 18 Jack Daniels drinks. I'm still planning on visiting the Jack Daniels distillery though, if I go. I hate how in the face of crisis I go internal. I never know what to say. I have a million things to say, I just can't get them out on time. It's later on that that happens. My Chinese fortune cookie said the other day: "Your life is like a kaliedescope". Eh?

I'm leaving for my vacation on June 19th, I just remembered the significance of that date.

June 19th, 1985

"Okay my mother is out, we can do it there...okay...wow, that's no big deal huh?...I know...Hey, let's do it again"

The things I picture are being able to always smile when the phone rings, learning how you came to be, witnessing the time go by together, waking up with the sun staring at me.

The man at work that wants me to represent him met with me today. He really is serious I guess, I am ready to hang up that part of my job, concentrate on my actual job they pay me for! I can't be bothered with people who seem to be looking everywhere for wrong doing, not just admitting they may have been wrong for once. Whatever...good luck.

So after all the talk last night about Shawn and Sarah getting hit by a dumptruck, I never really talked about the gig itself. It kind of sucks nowadays, but after seeing so many Phish shows (number 59 next Thursday!) you get spoiled on the way they do things: 1) Seating is...laid back. Sometimes a little too much, like 50 people in a row of seats that holds 43. But usually people just kind of sit where they want, people don't ask you to move. 2) The band never talks to the audience. Why should they? A little talk now and then is cool. But to me, talking to the audience is usually just too "rehearsed" sounding. I remember REM had screens on the Green tour that said something like "Hello(insert your city here)!". 3) If you go see 4 shows in a row, you will not see the same song twice. They have a ton of songs they play regularly, but it's different every night. 4) Improvisation. It seems like 90% of the bands you see are just up there going through the motions everytime you see them. I can't imagine seeing say...Metallica 5 nights in a row. Who wants to hear that horrid Bob Seger cover 5 times in a row? : ) There's a ton more things also, but that's what I can come up with right now. Anyway, you get spoiled with all of those things. The Cure though, was pretty good to see. They played a ton of songs I was happy about: The Kiss, The Figurehead, A Strange Day, Cold, Pornography, Sinking, Play For Today, 100 Years, Open, End, among others. They sounded great though, they really can recreate the soundscapes they make on record well in the live setting. Most bands can't do that...I also might add that Robert Smith is one of the most underrated guitarists out there. Check out The Top, or Siouxsie and The Banshees-Nocturne, which he plays guitar on for proof...even if he has that Jerry Garcia "hiding-my-stomach-unsuccesfully-behind-this-guitar" thing going on.

I have that I should stop writing right now thing going on

0vT

before & after