Is it 7 years bad luck, or 7 days bad luck when you break a mirror? Years seems a bit strong, couldn't they just give you a year? Can you appeal it at some point, say...3 years into it? 7 days ago at this exact moment the last thing I thought I would be doing was writing in this frame of mind. Quite possibly the best and worst state of mind someone can be in.No i have no answers, I didn't really give any answers, yet I think I accomplished something. I got a bit of an answer to what was going on. The swelling has gone down. I want to go back and delete the past few days entries. Ironically, this seems like it would be the time to put one of "those entries" in here. Bitterness and depression are not going to get me anywhere though. I've never been a big talker with my mouth, with a keyboard yes. With a pen and a blank piece of paper yes. With a microphone and a guitar to drown out what I'm saying, yes. I've never sat with someone and spilled my guts though. I've never told anyone about how I felt about them. Wait, isn't it assumed when this comes up? Why do I have to confront? Why do I have to be confronted? Only a fool, or a childish person would ask these questions. Only someone who's scared of something, who the fuck knows what, would ask those questions. I have a ton of shit to say. Lot's of good stuff. When the right person comes along, sure I feel I have a ton of things I want to know, and a ton of things I want to tell. This is all I wanted. This is still all I want. I don't want an idea of something. I don't want an image of someone I think is going to make me happy. I want a specific person to tell me everything, and I want that person to listen to me tell them everything. I want the word "want" to just mean "be". Be happy with myself. I want her to be happy with herself, and I want to share that. I'm sorry, but any words that come out of my mouth are not going to justify and way I happen to feel. It's not something I'm going to flick off my tongue on command. There's nothing blocking it, and there's nothing there making it come out. I go on vacation in 8 days from now officially, but as far as I'm concerned right now, the best thing I can do is start this vacation right this minute. I have nothing else to say here, and I have nothing to say in general. It's going to turn to mush anyday now, so I might as well start this now and turn myself inward again. Nobody is going to change anything for me right now. See you soon.

-christian

before & after