Damn it, tonight I was absolutely slayed by a girl asking for the time. She looked right in my eyes and I kind of fumbled for a minute and just said "ummmm12ummmmquarterof12". I don't think I'll ever forget that, it was just one of those moments where I felt completely defenseless and defeated by someones eyes. Jesus Christ o mighty. So as I sit here listening to Dizzy, sweating a bit from the heat coming over New England, pissed that I drank a beer and half a mixed drink before escaping(I was 2 for 4 in pool tonight, and against 2 of the best players out of my friends as well) with Lindsey to "take a drive". I had made plans early with Dorian to go out to eat, and we went and got Tracey who had $100 worth of trade for this popular Italian place. We spent 60 bucks or so and dined well, before venturing to the bar(the same place I complained about last night, and how I hated them). It was way hot as piss in there, and after that little incident with the time(which actually turned into a "where did you get your tattoos?" Complete with what everyone does when they see them, touch them. "They're not going to get any clearer if you hold my arm, but for you, no problem"). So after that bumbling conversation I escaped for some different...atmosphere. I was going to start making some mix cd's to take on the trip after I write here, but who knows, it's getting late.

"It feels so good to be alive" This is how I'm feeling today. I don't think I can even explain it fully.I have all of this great stuff, and great people around me, and I trap myself inside myself and get caught up in me me me without even thinking of what the others may need or want. I get the feeling that I am getting a little bit better. But I also get the feeling that I'm reverting to how I once was. Some of the shit I used to feel years ago when I was with a different pack or what have you. Who am I kidding? Do I really think it's going to be different this time? Do I really think I've grown enough to do it correct this time? I highly doubt it. It's the way it is, and I'm not going to avoid it, I'm going to be the same old way. It's the way I know. It's me. I haven't been me in a while. I feel good about this strangely enough. Masochism. Everyone has their bullshit, even the coolest guy you know has his bullshit, and issues he deals with. For me to think it would be okay to dish it out again on someone else is absurd and selfish of me. At the rate I'm going now, I'll never find what I'm looking for. Don't kid yourself buddy, your chance of making it in this is slim to none. As long as it feels good to be alive, nothing is going to get me like the way some people can look at me and ruin me for the night. This happened Tuesday night at one point in private, and then tonight, in a completely different situation. I don't really feel "defeated", or "defenseless", just happy that simple things can make me smile for the night and destroy any shit that was floating around my head like it was tonight for a few minutes. The party get's started and broken up immediately. Am I really sick of seeing the same damn faces every night, or am i just looking for something to complain about? I'll find out when I go away and miss everyone, and everything around me within...4 days or so. A ghost just flew by the window. I have to go now.

before & after