Okay, so my lungs do not appreciate what I'm currently doing, but my brain doesn't seem to mind. Check out the frying pan. The mix of the weather being all over the place, the car situation, and planning the trip has made me moody and "nutty" lately. One second I don't want to talk to anyone, the next i do. I can't imagine thinking that a crowd of people is any different than another one. I don't want to be in a closed place with any crowd. There's nobody there I want to meet, there's nobody I'd want to take home. No mattet where I am they're still the same. I'm not paying attention to the shoes, or hairdo on any girl or guy. The face is the ultimate window. Everyone is very image conscious. I think too much TV will do that. I hate when he shuts the door to the office at work. I'm going to rip the fucking thing off the hinges this week if he keeps doing it. It gets hot, and I feel blocked in. Especially if I have my headphones on. Sure it's great to be over in your own little world, but I feel too boxed in, I'm going to explode and start yelling. Haven't done much yelling lately.Not that I've ever yelled, except maybe at Kerry, way back when. I wonder what she does now.Sugar and spice, and everything nice. I quit. I quit trying it. Sure the games are fun, and the smiles are good for me, but I'm not getting anything from that. I play these games with myself. Let's act "shy". I'm not fucking shy, I just can't think of anything interesting to ever say to you. Although the weather can sometimes be a fun thing to talk about. That one today at the book store was gourgeous though, I'd seen her before at the bar, and always made some sort of eye contact with aknowledgement, but that's as far as it goes. Too many people in the way to make anyting interesting. I have no piercings hanging out of my face, and tattoos are not different nowadays. What do I have to show anyone in a place that's so image controlled? Devo doing Head Like A Hole? Interesting...Half a heineken, and I was bored out of my skull tonight. That music will drive you nuts after an hour. The Fratboy dude showed up as we left, we talked briefly. He's leaving at the end of the summer though. I never liked him, I don't really like him now either, but they all do. It's like Jesus showed up, Righteous, and Wicked. What a scam, I'll enjoy watching people itch when the wool is pulled off of their faces in a little bit though. I don't foresee a problem here do you? then why do you always have to stare like that. There's no words on my chest for you to read, so what's the big deal? This ain't the place for you and I, you realize that now, correct? I forgot to call her tonight. I should really take advantage of some of these "Call me"'s I have lined up. A normal every day guy would I guess. I need more that one of those nights out though. It's unsatisfying, and guilt filled. No religious thing inside me is making me feel moral or anything. Guilty of being male. Visions are just as good for now. Why don't you go and fucking deal with people and paperwork, and fax machines, and lines, and cash? If you had originally just knew what I wanted, we wouldn't be going through this. I wouldn't be going through this rather. I could easliy take a drive on Route 1 tomorrow up north to break in the new thingy. You were always so...I don't know, a hippie? Very late nights with candles and Galaxie 500 on the stereo. I found a box of letters and remembered I was with you. I haven't seen you in probably 6 or 7 years now. That was one of my favorite times, and the worst when you ended it because you wanted to be "alone", and started dating my best friend a month later. If anything it's always one thing with a group of friends and dating someone in the middle. You made the rest of that year difficult for me. I never did get to shake your hand for that. Last I heard you were doing the smae thing going back and forth on your emotions. Leaving the country for this reason and that reason still. As good as it all was, and as much as I enjoyed talking to your amazing mouth and mind, I never forgot until a few years ago. I now just remember there was 2 or 3 winters of resentment. I want to get mad at you again now. I'd love you now if I even ran into you now. I'm always itching for something to indulge my depressions in, and you're it for this brief moment. I don't think I need to give you the attention at this point though. Tell him good luck from me to him. I still let that happen years later too. Same old story, same old excuse, same old bad hugs at the end. That light pat on the back is a surefire sign the relationship is over. If anyone get's that months or years into a relationship, you're just as dead in the water as anything. There's no turning back from that. There's nothing you can do. Once any sign of doubt, or rethinking comes into either persons mind, call it a day. Example: Shawn and Sarah breaking up every fucking weekend. I'm so fucking sick of hearing that shit at this pont. It's alwyays, so they'll be back together tomorrow? And they quite literally are. I would not out up with her crap. I can't stand that piece of shit. Every time I see her I stick my middle finger up to her. I like fucking with her, she knows deep down I can't stand her, but I try and play it off like I'm kidding. It's a good way to be able to tell someone to fuck off from time to time without the guilt or drama that would normally show up in that situation.I'm not going to bite my tongue because it's a friends girlfriend. That's all she is, a friends girlfriend. She means nothing to me whatsoever. She's a fucking weak brat, and that's all there is to it. Apparently blondes have more fun. I guess it's true. I want heavy metal right now, this music is driving me annoyed. Don't annoy me this late at night. Elcis could easliy put me to sleep tonight. My wrists hurt, and my eyes shake from side to side when I do too much of this, I should stop, but I have so much shit on my brain right now. No work tomorrow, so what's the sweat for then? Do it, push yourself even further. I need to get ready to push myself on vacation. I love the fact that I'm on vacation, and I'm congratulating myself with 8 and 9 hour driving days. After tonight I don't think I would feel confident with Dorian driving at all. I hate being a passenger, and I'm stubborn enough that I would drive with my eyes half open before I would let someone take the wheel. Case in point: August 16 1998, in Northern Maine, way the fuck up there. Canada across the street, literally, wake up at 7:30 am while Shawn and Heather still slept, went for a drive around the town, got a paper, etc. Woke them up at 8:30 am to smoke, and watch the sun heat up the otherwise chilly morning. Go see Phish in the day and night, and drive all the fuck way back to Boston, by 4:30 am I was seeing things, and people dodhging in front of my car, and standing by the side of the road. A quite frightening drive down 95 south in the middle of nowhere, but with people haunting me the whole way home. You just can't escape them ever. Whether they are in the back yard or following me on vacation. No one is out there tonight thank god...at least I didn't hear anyone out there on the way in. I'm tired, dog tired.

before & after