Another "early" night. Okay, last night I wanted to go out and be social and have a good time, etc...Once I got out though I wanted to come back home. I went to the coffee shop where everyone met, Annu was working, and I had vague plans with her. They were all going to a bar, I declined, and her and i went to eat dinner. I think she feels "out of place" around my friends maybe? I like hanging out with her though, even if she did say "I've had bad luck with Scorpios" : ) I don't really know. I still, at 30 years old have no clue how to interact in a large group level, I do better with the one on one thing; she felt the same way tonight anyway. Maybe someday I'll find someone like me...right. I feel kind of odd when I go out to dinner with a female friend on the weekend. You see all these couples that are either going to a) go home and watch a movie, one of them will fall asleep b) go home and argue for 3 hours, or c) go home and fuck. I miss all of this. I am going to go home and listen to records and play on the computer, get up and go to work.Tomorrow I am going to come home from work, mope around for a little while, go to bed, get up for work. Go to work, come home, mope around with rope that holds me down like rehearsal, and the lessons. The only responsibility I would like right now is to make sure I'm saving money, and thinking straight. I have one of those down right now anyway. Not having a working stereo in the car is really having an awful effect on me. My early ride home today was sprinkled with some good acapella versions of Roxanne by the Police(bass, not with the falsetto like Sting), Let's Do It(Let's Fall In Love), My Funny Valentine, Ripple by the Dead, and others. If I can't hear music, I need to make it I guess. I would never do that in public though...well I guess I have to with the band. No love songs though...This no stereo thing has brought more into my head though. The trip in the summer. I'm pretty sure Dorian is going to go now, I hope she can sleep in a room with music on. I cannot fall asleep to silence, it freaks me out, and keeps me awake. Not because I think too much, I do that anyway. My ears ring. I like the sound of outside in the summer though, I'm looking forward to that.

Sometimes I question how sane some people are around me with regards to drugs. Hard drugs that is. I've never done anything but smoke, I would never try anything stronger, I can't imagine it first off, and I've had too many shitty things around me that were the result of cocaine, or heroin. I remember when my friend found out his girlfriend was on heroin, what a strange thing that was. He said to me one night "so this is the shit we deal with when we're adults?". I had already dealt with this stuff when I was younger though. I have memories of waking up at night from a bad dream or a monster in the closet, etc and couldn't wake my parents up. I don't resent them for that or anything..I don't want to really be talking about this shit here.

before & after