I get in these moods where I am full of negative thoughts about everything and everyone around me. It surprises me how fast these moods go away at the littlest thing like a smile from someone, or a note. I guess I just crave too much attention all the time, and once I am around a group of people who couldn't care less about trivial things like that, and just treat everyone equal I have to get away from it. I sometimes wish I was a bit more relaxed and social, but I always feel insecure inside about what the smallest things like what I'm saying, wearing, doing with my hands, and I get too self conscious.I think back to when I was a teenager or early twenties and I feel like I haven't grown at all. I still have these issues within that I will probably never get rid of at 30 years old. I just have a little gray hair on my temple, and I have more stories to tell.

It's funny how being interested in someone "romantically" takes up so much space in my brain. I've had so many big crushes I can remember all of them.

Marie-The mysterious (fake) red head that used to come in the supermarket I worked at when I was a little teenaged punk rocker. She had a tattoo of a bat on her ankle, and always wore these dark sunglasses.I ran into her working in a fabric store at one point and realized I was defeated, as a guy like me has no business being in a fabric store unless he's stalking the woman behind the counter.

Jennifer- A real live redhead that worked at a bookstore. I fell for her while she was vaccumming one night and had the best pair of shoes I've ever seen on a girl. I probably bought more damn books that summer than I've bought in my whole life. She must have thought I was really smart.

Alison- High school, senior year. A dead ringer for Molly Ringwald, who was every punk rockers dream in 1987. I knew the minute I saw her that I wanted to marry her. I found out a while into first noticing her that she was my cousin(from marriage, not blood!), and we became close friends. I remember a specific time when a friend of mine fooled around with her and I got pissed at him(my crush was pretty secret) "Hey...you can't do that, I li-...she's my cousin!".I should track her down. She moved to Los Angeles and was working at Tower Recods on Sunset Strip. I was out visiting LA once and dropped in to surprise her. I spotted her and went to approach her, when all of a sudden Billy Idol walks up to her and starts talking to her, she sees me, and gives me a hug and a "What the hell are you doing here?". Meanwhile Billy Idol is waiting for her assistance and says something like "Well allright, looks like you two haven't seen each other in a bit", and flashes me that raised upper lip thing he does in the White Wedding video while twisting his fists at the camera. What a surreal scene that was. Billy Idol.Is he fat and on VH-1 yet? Later in the day we went out and saw the singer for the Red Hot Chili Peppers in his blue Mustang he is in in one of the videos.

I think the big crushes like that are best left as crushes, it sort of adds to the mystery of the whole thing.

Okay, the fingers are getting tired.

Out-

before & after