Oh Joy!
2003-01-09 || Blandman Essay Contest #3
�Jesus fucked little boys�

With the hundreds of priests being accused of child molestation in the past year dominating the news more than the war on terrorism it seems, folks have been looking at who to blame. The pope? Sure, let�s blame the guy with Parkinson�s Disease who shakes more than a black woman in a Nelly video. I don�t think the pope even remembers what his job is at this point. Plus, if you�ve ever heard the fucking guy talk he sounds like a 9000 year old vampire so you�re not going to get any answers from him. He is cool to listen to, if not kind of creepy.

There are a couple of avenues one can explore if looking for blame. Personally, if I were molested by a priest, I would be looking for a stomach pumping, as well as an enema to wash all of that �pearly blood of Christ� from my insides, not who to blame, or a 7-digit settlement.

It�s clear from some of the research I�ve done on the subject that it can be traced to the one and only imaginary creature known as Jesus Christ. Part Jim Morrison, part magician, Jesus has been the sex symbol of the church for years now, and what better place for him to hang out (no pun intended) than in a church looking down at all of the homosexual priests that fill these churches? I had long assumed that the overwhelming majority of American priests were both heterosexual and just plain faithful to their vows. Now I�ve read that just about half of those entering in recent years are homosexual and that an alarming number of both gay and straight priests lead double lives.

Believers in our society are indoctrinated to ignore the bloody history of religion, and to pay lip service to belief in God, Jesus, the bible, and God's holy representatives on earth. Ordained ministers and priests are "men of God," above us normal humans, anointed. It is then no wonder that clergymen who wish to misuse power and betray trust are in a unique position to do so. Does the Christian ministry attract sexual deviants, or mold them? I say it molds them. When one looks at fallen televangelist Jimmy Swaggart, one may surmise that the more he ranted against the temptations of pornography and illicit sexual relations, the more he was trying to overcome his own impulses, and fighting his own nature. Everyone loves to orgasm, I don�t care what you believe in.

Imagine the young boy in the small town, conservative parents, pillars of their community, active in the church. The boy is told to look up to this figure known as Jesus Christ, he�s told that he will live eternity in heaven if he follows this creed, and respects the laws of the church. The representative of the church is his priest. You know, that guy who mom and dad tell him about. �You should listen to Father so and so, he speaks to Jesus directly�. Imagine telling your children this? �Son, you know the man in the church who speaks to all of us, he speaks directly with this man who can turn water into wine and walk on water�you know, he�s in that book with the talking snake and where in Chapter 39:9,10 God questions Job 'Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib? Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? or will he harrow the valleys after thee?', that guy, you need to listen to everything he says� �So there are talking snakes and unicorns mom?� �Ummm�well, there used to be unicorns and talking snakes�. �Oh, okay cool, that priest must have some cool stories talking to that Jesus guy!�. So this kid is told to worship this mans word. You get the priest to take the boy under his wing (or under the altar perhaps?) one afternoon asking all these questions about the bible and this great man Jesus. Of course he�s going to believe everything this guy says and tells him to do. I personally remember when I was sent to receive communion as a child, I was eventually taken out of it thanks to liberal parents who listened when I said I didn�t want to do it. �The priest drinks the blood of Christ?� I thought to myself. These people are creepy.

Over the last 20 years or so I�ve been inside churches for weddings and funerals. Looking around at all of the people reading along with the priest, and then looking at the stained glass pictures on the windows I�ve come to the conclusion that this is some sort of scary group of people who believe in this man who could walk on water and do this and that and a talking snake and unicorns and the devil, the red guy who hangs out in fiery pools and sticks you with a pitchfork if you steal a lot or fuck your friends wife. Naturally with all of this creepiness going on, and then having pictures of this arguably cute hippie with a loin cloth on hanging around the church where celibate men are what else is there to do but fuck little boys? The last time I was in a church was in August for a wedding, now I�ve been known to be a heterosexual for most of my life. From time to time I will see a good looking man and notice him though. A particular picture of Jesus that was hanging in the church in that compromising S & M position upon the cross got me a little excited. Looking down at my pants I realized I was harder than Trigonometry. Jesus was getting me hot looking down at me with those sad puppy dog blue eyes of his. I immediately excused myself from the pew and made my way to the bathroom in the basement. A young boy walked by me on my way in to the men�s room. He smiled at me, and I got myself a stall. I was going to experience my own personal rapture in the men�s room of this church. I did, quickly and quietly.

I think if they started allowing priests to have sex with men and women from here on out the molesting would stop. As it stands all of the pent up sexual frustration is let out on little boys. This is a direct result of having hot half naked men hanging around the church, along with the little boys having that same look on their eyes as good old JC.

Recent studies have led folks to believe that Jesus Christ, was a homosexual himself. In 1958 a scholar Columbia University found parts of a manuscript in a monastery in Jerusalem. In the manuscript was the following: "The youth, looking upon him (Jesus), loved him and beseeched that he might remain with him ... they went into the house of the youth ... And after six days, Jesus instructed him and, in the evening, the youth came to him wearing a linen cloth over his naked body. And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught him the mystery of the Kingdom of God."

Jesus fucked little boys too apparently.

before & after