my muscles ache, and I feel like a useless piece of shit right now. but, I am going away for the weekend. this should be interesting. going with a couple of girls from work to work at a festival and sell our artists music. They are already there, I am meeting them tomorrow. It�s funny, all this talk of wanting people to leave me alone, I�ve been by myself practically every night this week, and I�m already fucking bored with myself. I sometimes need at least someone to look at, someone pleasant to look at anyway. I can�t imagine wanting to stand there and stare at Breaux for a whole weekend. I like his company, but I don�t need to look at boys for more than 5 minutes. I was saying to a friend how I will call them in their hotel room down the hall or whatever in the middle of the night and harass them. I don�t even really know them, they work in the marketing/promotional department so I have little contact with them. I don�t see why a 3AM �do you girls know where to get coke at this festival?� phone call would be out of order. Or a late night call where I say �hey, I�m just sitting here watching a movie, does one of you want to come down and watch it with me?� When they hang up on both of these phone calls I will make believe it never happened the next day.

XX XXXXXXX is really pissing me off at this point in my life. They think they can just never tell me what�s going on. They think they can just show up from time to time in my life and take take take and then never call to just say hello. fuck XX XXXXXXX and their crippled wives and husbands. I won�t hesitate from hurting people�s feelings now. And why not? I haven�t been anything but sober for two years now.

I have no one I can count on right now. Imagine that. I made a list of every person I�ve known, or know last night and what they�ve done for me, and what I�ve done for them. My giving outweighed the taking overwhelmingly for the past 5 years of my life. I didn�t count money, or car rides, as that doesn�t count. I mean talking, and people listening. They don�t pay attention. I smoke pot 24 hours a day yet I manage to pay attention for most of the time. hmmm�

example 1:

Hey Jimmy, you�re at home right now right? Yeah, okay good, you know how I am going to be seeing you in about 20 minutes from now? Right. Can you bring that recipe book I asked to borrow, it�s probably right in front of you. Yeah, you see it there, yeah, just bring that with you. I asked you last week and the week before to bring it.

Oh hey Jimmy, good to see you, hey did you bring that book? No, you didn�t? Oh, okay then.

example 2:

Hey Doug, it�s Christian, yeah. Hey what do you think we should do about that leaky gutter in the building? I was thinking we could call that guy we know and have him come down and install one of those new things there, yeah you know. I spent a little time coming up with some ideas for this, what do you think? Doug are you there? Did you get my last e-mail? Hello?

example 3:

You love me? Hello? Hello? Hello?

example 4:

Okay Tim, so you want to meet me at 11 o�clock tonight where we will discuss the upcoming �event�. Oh, you have to see if something better is happening first? Oh, okay then. I guess I�ll go to the club and wait for you to come. Do you have a clue when you might know? No, oh okay.

example 5:

I wonder what the ring tone on my phone sounds like.

Last night I was invited next door by the woman and her daughter for a cup of coffee, so I obliged and sat on their porch for a little while smoking and talking. It was odd that they were by visiting my family, and then the daughter who I think is close to my age, asked me to come by as I looked bored. They�re pretty nice people, and hey, she�s pretty. Anyway, I felt like I was invading their space, and left after a little under an hour to �go get some paperwork done�.

This made me feel kind of stupid this morning: So I drive in to work drinking my expensive white man coffee in my Toyota Camry listening to the Wu-Tang Clan this morning. Shortly after arriving, checking my e-mail, talking to the guys in my office about how great the Billy Higgins/Reginald Workman rhythm section is, I walk by the bathroom, and the African-American maintenance guy says �Hey man, how you doing�, I turn to see him on the floor cleaning the toilet and say �Okay, how are you doing?�

someone just read 40 pages of my diary, who are you?? Aren't I boring?

before & after