it�s cooled off here in Cambridge Massachusetts the past few days. Thank fucking god. I love the heat, but I think I like the winter better. The winter feels better on my skin. The winter feels better on my mind too. The summer is the time I get the most depressed it seems. I looked through some old journals I had, and this theory is correct. The summertime makes me feel like shit mentally. Last night was the culmination of a shitty last few days. Reina and I had dinner, and I was in a shitty, miserable mood, which was the opposite of hers. She wanted to go out and be around people afterwards, but I wanted to go home and stare at the wall. Anyway, I got home early, and fell asleep after about 30 minutes. In the middle of the night though, I woke up, as I often do, turned my shit back on, put the music on, etc. Poured a glass of milk with some whiskey in it, and wrote the following:

it�s hard to understand why anyone would want to be around me

I feel selfish and and and and like a child

I have not grown up

I feel like a grown up though

�this is the bureau that has my bills in it�

�that one has my drugs, and my ticket stubs�

Judas Priest

Ozzy Osbourne

the Grateful Dead

Kiss with Cheap Trick at the LA Forum as a 7 year old boy on Ridalin

what a fuck head I can be sometimes

tonight, I sit here and look in the mirror

I slapped my hand really hard with a metal ruler

there is a red mark on my hand that looks like a square

I have offered myself something I can�t refuse now

indelible damage to my psyche

I really know how to pick them though

We are going to repossess your car if you do not send $839.49 immediately

We are going to put a lien on your shit if you don�t send Uncle Sam $743.22

I am going to put a cigarette in my mouth instead (30 cents please)

I am going to put Mingus Ah Um on, and go to sleep instead

I am not going to open that envelope from the credit union

I am going to open my eyes finally

I am going to try and kick myself instead

I haven�t been fucked in a while now

I�ve been fucked all the time though

There is a list I have made

The people who created you

The early stages of the community

It was easy back then, spotlights, pockets full of cash

Now, I�ve retired and moved into a planned community

I have no money

My guitars all sit around me and ask me when I can fuck them like Izabella

My nose is perfectly healthy from never snorting anything in it

My brain on the other hand

Well, my brain is awake right now

Wide afuckingwake at 4:27 AM EST

Wide awake because of girls and boys

Girls who don�t understand me, and lie, and spread rumors

Boys who know me, but get angry at my lack of tact

I have no clue who I want to love

I have no clue who I want to hate

I just want a good recipe for dinner

A bottle of whiskey

a carton of cigarettes

and all of the very very very very important people to leave me alone

the men in suits

they call me

the women in straight jackets yelling outside of my window

the men with swords and spears that run through the woods towards my house in the middle of the night because they need to come into this house and scare me

fuck the sun is coming up

this is good

I can�t sleep in the sun

I can�t sleep in the sunlight like this

solitary

I would have enjoyed her company

once the sun comes out though

the one thing about the sun coming out

(and I don�t think people realize how fucking serious I am about this)

is that nobody can scare me in the daylight

those people in the backyard that haunt me

those people who come running through the woods over brittle branches

those people with leather skin who want to hurt me

they can�t hide in the sunlight

they can�t hide when I have the lights on in here

They can only make a little noise

the sparrows tell them to shut the fuck up

and now the sparrows are telling me

they don�t think I should fall asleep

the sparrows are telling me that tonight

was the best night of my life so far this summer

and I should stay awake

that first time in the morning sun was the best morning ever

try to relive it by yourself in this room

I can do it

I can relive that moment

Let me shut my eyes

and sleep on the left side of the bed

before & after