So I�m a little fucked up, as I just drank 4 bottles of cough syrup. But more importantly, I just went and got a cup of coffee. Pulling into the empty parking lot I realized the car was filled with pungent marijuana smoke, there was a sole police officer standing at the door of the place. To avoid him I parked all the way across the lot, which must have seemed peculiar to him. As I opened my door to get out I noticed a CD on the ground. It was a home made CD that read �favorites 2�. I grabbed my coffee from the ogre like�person behind the counter. Excited to hear my new CD, I sprinted to the car. I put the CD in the player hoping it would play, as it is pretty scratched up.

I�ve been making mixed tapes and CD�s for fucking years now. I think there is an art to it. As a matter of fact, recently, in Germany a couple of gentlemen put together an exhibit dedicated to the art of the mix tape. Anyway, this mix has got to be the most fucking bizarre mix of music I have ever experienced in the 9 minutes I took to get home, and skip through it to see what was on it. First song �Africa� by Toto. Fuck. Now this has to be in a list somewhere of the worst songs ever written. Listening to the whole song just now though it�s not that�I mean�it still sucks! Next song �Caravan� by Van Morrison. What the fuck? How the fuck do you follow Toto with Van Morrison? Better yet, how do you precede Van Morrison with Toto? What an odd pick for a song too. How do you get punched in the face by me is the question you need to ask yourself whomever is responsible for this mix. It only gets better though. Track 3 is some sort of new school soul thing...wait, this is Will Smith�that �Summertime� song by the Fresh Prince�okay this song is�okay. It ain�t as jiggy as some of Will�s later shit. Now I�m thinking �what kind of a motherfucking white asshole is responsible for this CD, and what else is going to happen here?� Van Morrison �Brown Eyed Girl� What? A Will Smith sandwich, with Van Morrison bread. And now some fucking new school hip-hop crap talking about getting dirty on the bathroom floor. Creeping with the girl next door and shit. Listening to this as I type this, I want to find the person who made this CD and beat them while this song plays in the background. As if hip-hop music doesn�t just plain suck anyway, this shit needs to exist? �Black Magic Woman� Santana. Peter Green wrote this song when he was running the show in the Fleetwood Mac camp, I bet the cocksucker who made this CD doesn�t know that. Now some new school country song. I don�t even want to know, but I will listen until the chorus comes up�unless I have an urge to go murder my cat while this plays. �Okay, so nice, another day in paradise�� Fuck you guy who is singing this song, and fuck the person that thought it would be a good idea to put this on a CD that also has�well, it comes later. Paul Simon �Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes� I like this song, and I�ve never had sex with a man. Imagine that? Pat Benatar �Love is a Battlefield�. This isn�t prime Pat Benatar! Prime Benatar sounds like this: � �

Pat Benatar needs to understand that my existence is a battlefield, and if she comes near me, she is going to step on a land mine, and her legs will be blown off and she won�t be able to ever do that stupid fucking dance she did in the video for this song. Oooh a ballad. How gay is this song?? Wait a minute, it�s an upbeat smooth jazz song that sounds like the theme music for an 80�s tv show. What and why is this on this CD? Better yet, why am I still playing it. As Jack Black says �next song!� �Dancing in the Moonlight� by one hit wonder King Harvest. Not as good as the Thin Lizzy song with the same name, but not that bad I guess�James Taylor I don�t even know what song this is, as soon as I heard his voice I thought of child molesters. Only because James looks like a child molester. I don�t really like him, but I don�t really hate him. I will never marry a woman if she owns a James Taylor CD. Oooh, new school hard rock with some guy singing about Leaving life bleeding in his hands, this sounds like that band Live. I think I have to use the bathroom now. This is where I need to find this person and shoot them in the face with a 357 magnum at close range while dressed up as a clown. The Pixies �Where is My Mind?� This person obviously knows this song because it�s at the end of that stupid fucking Brad Pitt Edward Norton male bonding movie. This next song skips, could be Jennifer Lopez. Okay, I need to go into the bathroom again. �The Way it Is� Bruce Hornsby and the Range. Hey man, what do you say all of us white guys go out tonight and get some margaritas, hop in the SUV, and crash into a fucking utility pole. Bad Religion that 20th century something song. What the fuck is this song doing on this CD? Please? I like this fucking song. And I like that Pixies song, what are you doing to me? This is like what happened in the fifties and you were a white girl and you were seen talking to a black person. And the last song�that fucking �Black Velvet� song. So what I�m thinking is, at one point. At one point in the person who made this CD�s life I bet this CD was playing while they were having sex. Can you imagine that? Honey, I want to fuck you to this James Taylor song, this way, midway through the Live song, I�ll be having my orgasm. Perhaps when we get to Black Velvet I�ll be ready to fuck you again. I am going to put an ad in the paper next week in the lost and found that reads �Found: Dunkin Donuts parking lot, Vinnin Square, Salem Massachusetts. CD entitled �favorites 2� CD obviously made by some white person call 978-853-6900 to retrieve CD. When the person calls, I will tell them to meet me, and when I see them I will crack the CD in half in front of them. And then, I will throw a gallon of white paint on them, and drive away in my Lexus. I�m so glad I�m not white.

So I�m in work today, and I had some stressful shit happening all around me, from every direction. I got maybe three hours of sleep Thursday night, and started getting this headache right when I sat at my desk and remembered I had 4 reports due, had to cover someone�s duties that was out, and realized I needed to put a jacket on as the new air conditioning system is super fucking cold. This is good though. I don�t get headaches that often but when I do, I fucking suffer like a bitch. One thing I like to do is bang my head lightly to try and �hit it out of my head� For some reason, since I was a little boy I thought that when you had a headache you could bang your head and it would come out of your ear or something. For years I thought jerking off would help. Often times it does, but just for 7 seconds exactly. So today I took a walk over to the other building and decided to hit the bathroom to�freshen up. So I�m standing there and all of a sudden I�m reminded of the headache in my head that is making it so I can�t concentrate on my work whatsoever. I need to hit my head. Normally I do it lightly, if you were watching me you probably wouldn�t even know what I was doing. If anyone saw me in the bathroom at work today though, they would have asked questions. I punched myself in the back of the head so fucking hard, that I saw stars for 2 minutes. It was actually kind of cool. I�m one of the people who likes seeing stars. It�s cool to �follow them� with your eyes as the little blue lights shoot outwards like sperms running away from an egg that is �standing room only� so to speak. So I sat in the bathroom for a few minutes enjoying my private little acid trip wondering what was stopping me from passing out, and what the folks in my office would think if their boss passed out and died in the bathroom because he punched himself in the head too hard because he had a headache. When I got back to the office, I asked one of the women for an aspirin, and went back to my work. The aspirin didn�t do anything, but when I got in my car, the second I started it up, the headache was gone. Thank No One It�s Friday. Weekends are lonely.

Whoa shit

before & after