current goodness: air conditioning, gin and tonic, cuillin.diaryland.com, my guitar playing, the block of hash I�ve been holding on to for a month now, Beverly Massachusetts, the framed photo of Marcia Brady I got over the weekend, my excel-spread-sheet-music-database-complete-obsessive-compulsive-disorder-project.

fuck, it�s hot as piss out today. this office is about 80 degrees. any iced beverage I may have brought in here today is warm within the hour. This is not fair. Any other time, I don�t mind the heat. When sitting at a desk in an office though. I get tired, and cranky. I don�t even want to know how hot it is in our rehearsal room tonight. fuck me.

Today I did not smoke marijuana yet. Today may be the first day I haven�t smoked marijuana by at least 3pm in months. Actually, I went a day a few weeks ago without it too. Anyway, I�ve been telling myself for�5 years now that �After this one runs out, I�m not gonna buy any for a little while�. Once I start winding down, I feel like a crack head. Packing bowls, and making sure I get every single piece of dust in there, etc. Eventually resorting to that nasty �resin session� in my room at 3AM with black, sticky fingers, and a cough in the morning that would make Tom Waits proud. Anyway, this time, I�m just about out. I probably have a day and a half left of the shit. I have no money, but I have a dealer that�s a friend who would easily front it to me (or I could give him a winning scratch ticket as collateral again). It�s so easy to just make the call and head over there. Especially when I have Thursday � Sunday off this week. That�s it. I am going to get one more, and THEN I will stop, once that one is done. How am I to create any good music if I�m happy, or not on drugs? Exactly.

Last night at the show, we almost saw the drummer for the headlining band get kicked out of the show for smoking pot in the pavilion. That would have been pretty funny�well, sort of.

The weekend was generally good I guess. I was with Dan 3 days out of a possible 3. Friday we came into the city to see a gig at this Irish bar. It was pretty fun, although no one was there. Dan got pretty drunk, and I�drove. Saturday we drove north and pretty much sat in traffic for 3 hours. What a waste of a nice day. Saturday night I went to the bar, and was out by 11 or so. I wasn�t up for it for some reason. Perhaps because it was empty in there, or maybe because I�m just getting bored with it generally. Not sure, either way, I came home and got on the fucking computer again. I stumbled into cuillin.diaryland.com, and proceeded to read like 900 entries in there. Why I didn�t know about it before is beyond me. I enjoyed her insight, and some of her views reminded me of me, or whatever. Anyway, that�s a good place to read if you don�t feel like reading me complain, or whoever else talk about their trip to the supermarket, and the cute guy they saw there.

Soundtrack � Masada � Tet

It�s now evening, and I�m home. It�s still fucking hot, and I�m contemplating if I should smoke the rest of this Moroccon hash I�ve had for a month and a half. If this headache ends, perhaps I will. Or, maybe that�s why I have a headache. I don�t really want to go into work tomorrow. I�m tired. Fucking tired in general. Okay, two more days of work, and then I�m out. My phone is conveniently being turned off on Thursday as well.

The little disaster. Well, from what I hear around town, she�s still rocking and rolling like Nancy Spungen on crack. Thankfully, the little disaster was never my girlfriend. Okay, I thought she was�for about 72 hours, this past spring. I met her so long ago now that I think about it. She�s the same sign as me, Scorpio, and we hit it off pretty well. Over the years, I became good friends with her. We told each other everything, and spent countless hours driving around New England in the summer, and in the snowy winter. Company, and someone else to talk to I guess. It was like that for about 6 or 7 years I guess. She started getting fucked up on the alcohol, and the drugs, and the endless boys. I was always there to listen to this and that about all of this. This past spring, when I had recently broken up with Angela, whom I had been with for a year and a half or so, the little disaster was away on a road trip. I was out late one night, and called her, she had just gotten home. We decided to go out for coffee, even though it was 3:30 AM in the middle of the week. Upon dropping her off, we kissed. This turned into conversation about how much we had liked each other off and on over the years, yet never did anything about it. The next day we went out, and continued the conversation, �etc.� This was 2 months ago I guess�okay, April 26th to be exact. Since then, I have maybe spent 12 hours with her. No phone calls, no visits at work. Just nothing. What the fuck? The few times I have seen her, or talked to her, this doesn�t get mentioned or anything. She came here and watched a movie with me a month ago now. When I drove her home she attempted to kiss me, and I turned away and she said �I don�t know how you put up with me� I replied �I don�t�. That was the last time I hung out with her and was moderately happy, until the end anyway. I don�t really mind if someone�s not interested, or confused, but you need to communicate these things a little better. I imagine she has somewhat of a conscience from time to time. Anyway, this just adds fuel to the never ending battle of trusting people, and not trusting them. At this point, everything between us, for me anyway, if strange. I�m not going to look at her the same way, and I certainly have no desire to be her boyfriend, or anything close. If anything, a little closure on that chapter of us would be great so that we can move along. Like anything shitty though, something good will come out of it. Our new CD we�re recording includes a good amount of songs about her I�ve written, so�blah blah fucking blah, etc�

I�m surrounded by bi-polar women. I attract, and am attracted to them for some reason.

before & after