What a long fucking day it�s been today. The weekend was great up until this morning. Friday I went out and sat outside with some friends, and last night went out with Breaux, Patrick, Marc, Rayna, and the girl whose name I can�t spell but wish I could cause I�d write her a letter about something like....i don't know. They decided to go to a gay bar, to which I politely declined of course; I got in fairly early, but stayed up too late. This morning I went into the office to get some work done, and near the end of the day I �accidentally� found out my most recent ex now has a boyfriend. I�m pretty sure she did when I asked her a month ago as well. Why the fuck women keep lying to me is beyond me.I try my best to make attempts to be there, or be friends. But, girls don�t give a shit generally. Take Stephanie for example, a month ago something happened, and now I haven�t heard from her since. None of my friends told me about this, no one I work with told me about this, I just found out, it doesn�t matter. And to think I forgave her for cheating on me that time. I do have the word sucker printed on my forehead apparently. I never lied to her.

So I was driving home tonight thinking of everything, and at one point, had the urge to just drive my car, at 80 mph into the trees, hoping to maybe hit a big tree, get thrown from it, and crushed to death. I lit another cigarette, and decided to do it that way instead though. Currently I am: addicted to cigarettes, caffeine, and marijuana. I sleep maybe 4 hours a night, I�m way behind in work, when I stop writing this (it�s 1AM), I have about 3 hours of work to do for tomorrow. I owe a bunch of money, and I can�t concentrate anymore. I see things out of the corner of my eyes now. I always jump aside because I think �something� is there. It�s starting to worry me. The dementia has set in for the summer. This seems to happen to me every summer. Where everyone else is happy in the summer, and depressed in the winter, I�m the opposite. It�s such a good thing I don�t have a gun. It seems just pulling a little tiny trigger to end all of this shit would be so fucking easy. I like a challenge though, so I�ll move on. I keep saying it, but I�m not going to call Stephanie for a while, she hasn�t called me, and if she does, I can�t pick it up. I let her know how I felt, that�s the best I can do. I have better things going on anyway. I would like to talk to Angela, I just wish she wouldn�t have to lie, as I don�t really care what she does now, I�ve been as honest as I could with her until now. I respected her wishes not to write about other girls in here after we broke up, but now�it doesn�t really matter does it?

The band has now hit another roadblock yet again. Why does this shit have to happen when we start gaining momentum? It�s like, I don�t know, I don�t feel like writing anymore of this fucking shit.

�fuck you

before & after