so there I am about to chew the flesh off this dead ten year old boys nose when someone shines a flashlight in my face and says �Christian, you have a phone call�

It�s my long lost friend from West Virginia, Douglas the Douche Bag

Hello?

Christian?

Yes, this is him.

Hey, it�s Douglas the Douche Bag

Hey man, how you been?!

Great, great, listen I need to ask you something

Okay, what�s up?

Remember our friend Yvette?

Yvette the Corvette, yeah I remember her

Well, I ran into her last night at the supermarket, and she told me something fucked up

Yeah, what�s that?

She said when her and I were dating, that you and her were fucking, is that true?

Ummm�dude, that was a long time ago

That�s not the point, is this true?

Yes, it is true, but there�s a reason for that!

I can�t wait to hear this one

Dude, Yvette was giving it out to everyone!

You were my friend Christian

Yeah, I was, but there was that time

huh?

The time you pissed me off at that party, remember that?

That wasn�t that big of a deal!

For me, it was, that was my reputation you ruined!

Besides, at the time, you didn�t say a thing

I don�t confront, I wait, and then get my revenge

That�s great

What the fuck man, you call me out of the blue, and you want to argue, you want the truth, there it is

Okay, that�s all I wanted to know�anyway, Yvette and I are getting together this weekend to talk about old times if you want to drive down

Doug, I�m in Baltimore, I don�t know if I can make it

Christian, we want you to be there

Why?

You should be there, really

I�ll see what I can do

Yvette is in love with you

What?

She is in love with you, she�s been trying to track you down, but had no clue how to get in touch with us

So, let me get this straight, you call me to tell me that you�re pissed I was fucking your girlfriend 10 years ago, and now you tell me I should meet the two of you because she�s in love with me, that�s fucked up Douglas

I know, it sounds odd, but it�s true. I�m cool with it.

Well, I�m glad you�re cool with it, it still doesn�t discount the fact that it�s pretty fucked up, let me call you back, as I was in the middle of something when you called

Okay

I�ll call you in the morning.

cool, talk to you then

cheers

bye

The air at the ranch is always cool and dry at night, we�ve lived here for a few years now, me and �the collective� There�s 4 of us here right now. We formed a union a few years back, and have been murdering children in the greater Baltimore region ever since. I am in charge of eating the dead bodies, while the other three do things like burn the bodies in vats of acid, and in the incinerator we bought with saved up lunch/allowance money we collected over the years. You can�t imagine how long it takes to save up when you get 2 or 3 dollars at a time! As it stands right now, we�re responsible for the deaths of about 300 little boys, and about 150 little girls. We generally try to shy away from little girls, as they usually do more searching for little girls than for boys. On the average, they will search for a little boy for three months, little girls, 6 months. Don�t tell me women have it hard in this country! On this particular night, we had this little boy who I was supposed to chew up, but once I got this phone call, I lost all concentration. I made my way back into the house and decided to mull over what Douglas the Douche Bag told me about Yvette. This could be my new direction I thought to myself. This could be the one thing I do finally that is worthy of my time. Right now, I am getting bored with murdering children. I need a new hobby.

before & after