so yesterday, I somehow lost my ATM card. fuckers. so on the way to work today I had to deal with the bank, and then the police station. I have applied for a gun permit. I am feeling increasingly creeped out when I go out now, when I come home at night, and with the talks of there being another terrorist attack at some point, what better time to get my hands on a weapon of death. I would love to say I shot and killed a terrorist, or a bad guy out in my backyard in the middle of the night. I found some cheap ones at a place last week, so I think I will probably get it in a month or so�.oooh. rock and roll. I am scared shitless of people. I don�t trust them, especially nowadays. I think that at any minute someone could lunge at me and start stabbing me. I will feel a lot more confident now I think. If I go on the road by myself again, this will help me feel a little safer too.

� I did something to my index finger last week, and I�m having a hard time bending it. isn�t that exciting? why the fuck are you reading this you fucking loser, do some work, or go to fucking bed.

� I stabbed 2 prostitutes to death last week, one of them I lit on fire, they found her body last week. she talked way too fucking much for the money she was charging.

� my favorite bill evans song is �peace piece�

� the first time I got fucked by a man, I had just seen an episode of Mork and Mindy an hour before hand

� a man with sunglasses can�t be trusted.

� the last time I got fucked by a man, I had just bought a pack of cigarettes for 87 cents, and I could read and write pretty well

� I would go on the record as saying I think the people I hang out with are generally cool, just really stupid sometimes

� if it came down to choosing between living the rest of my life with no sight, but I would have all the money in the world, I would do it

� if I ever went deaf, I would kill myself immediately

� if I ever went deaf, I would kill myself instantly

� if I ever went deaf, I would kill some people, and then myself

� today, in the shower I had an image of myself walking up to a couple of my friends, and shooting them in the head. I could see that spray of red blood and smoke come out the other side of their heads. one of these people was a female I know who�s fucked up anyway, and one was someone I haven�t seen in a few years, but I still consider friends. I shot and fucking killed both of them, and amongst the screams of people standing around, I did that real quick gun in the mouth thing and just blew a hole in the top of my head. I imagine the aftermath of something like this must be so crazy. this is the only reason I don�t want to go out like this, I want to see the reactions of everyone. I want to see what happens to the people that have to witness an incident like that. when I do it, I will probably end up just doing it alone in my room when nobody is around, or maybe outside so nobody has to clean up.

� why does the motherfucker not understand what you ask for, and then take more money from me?

� I feel like a real man. I haven�t cried since I had a temper tantrum in 6th grade and threw a brick at Eric Millers head and split it open.

� I also haven�t cried since I stabbed my brothers friend Jack something or another in the hand with an umbrella

� I laughed when I ran Tom Bufalinto�s ankle over that night. He thought I was messing around, as I was laughing like it was a joke. he had no idea I knew he fucked Kerry, so when pulling into the lot, and he did that usual stand in front of someones car joking around, I stepped on the gas pedal, and accidentlyonpurpose ran over his ankle and snapped it. that was a funny thing that happened.

� if you saw the new star wars movie, or any star wars movie and liked them, you should be kicked in the face repeatedly with a steel capped boot until you have no more teeth.

� if you have ever met me, do you really think I would buy a fucking gun? come on�do you really think any of this is true? well this is:

There is so much shitty music out there, why? I went to the record shop yesterday in New Hampshire, and was happy again to talk to a fellow Zorn fan at the counter, who informed me of a limited edition CD with him and Mike Patton, and Ikue Mori, limited to 2500, and autographed by the 3 of them. The girl who told me said she ordered 4 copies to make sure she got one, now that�s dedication. I was going to order one until I realized I lost my fucking ATM fucking card. fuck. fuck . fuck. fuck. fuck. the best records this year so far I think have been the new wilco record, this Zorn IAO record, as it�s all about the devil and satanic rituals, and has quite possibly one of the scariest �meta� songs I�ve ever heard, and of course the Tom Waits records. Which I bought at the same time, but have only been doing one at a time, I�ve yet to hear this version of Alice yet, but I did have a bootleg for a few years now. Other than that, what am I going to do go out and buy a Dashboard Confessional record? fuck.

so I stayed home last night to watch Six Feet Under, and do some writing. I wrote a couple new songs, and I wrote some more in my short story �The Fishing Trip� I�ve been working on for a while now.

I am going to go on a fishing trip I think. I always wanted to do a little fishing from time to time. so I noticed some people I don�t know have taken me off their favorite diary list, and then some people added me. it�s funny, they hop on for a day, and then someone mentions something about incest, or murder, or whatnot, and they don�t like me anymore. I swear I�m a nice guy, I go home and listen to jazz records, smoke cigarettes (not around my cat), read, and jerk off, who am I bothering?

before & after