name: your fucking consciense

email: [email protected]

url: http://satchmo3.diaryland.com

message:

i'm such a fucking hypocrite. everyone sees it. noone is fooled. i have to play the role of the big bad tough guy who feels nothing because i'm fucking scared shitless. i have to quit the band over an e-mail because i can't confront anything face to face. wow deja vu. i have to slag all my "friends" on my diaryland because i'm too much of a pussy to do it to their faces. i'll just pretend to be their friend in person. oh wait what am i say, i am big and tough, i am big and tough, and god dammit people like me.

date: 10:17 am - Friday,May 17, 2002

Okay, so a long time ago, I�m about to get fucked by my uncle, and I have a thought �did I forget to take out the trash last night?�

Which brings me to this, so yesterday I �quit� my band. As usual, I gave up, I always give up on things and run the other way. I have some faults I guess, doesn�t that suck that I have some faults? So anyway, I�m driving in the car on my way home tonight. And for the first time. So yesterday, we were supposed to have this gig at a club in Boston.

The top reasons why I never want to play my guitar again:

I

And then, I think if I try hard enough, I can make something. Sometimes, I feel as if the sound I hear isn�t the same.

Once and a while, if I�m sitting there, or rather, standing there. You know, I am self righteous. Is that how you spell that? I really do think the world revolves around me. For so long, I thought that I should lie, and cover up when I write in here and say things like.

The first one is because I can�t sing. We all know this, I never claimed to be a singer, and I never want to put anything that looks like a microphone up to my mouth again. Unless it�s a cock, as I do that sometimes. I would have fucking punched that old fucking hag with the fucking Seattle shirt on.

So we had this gig, and this is the clincher. I never.

So we had this gig in Boston, we actually never got around to playing in Boston Massachusetts as far as I know. So we had this gig at the Linwood. As you know, I. I�m not supposed to be talking to people straight on like.

The 5th time it rained this week, I got a little more upset. I have like, what you call a boiling kettle. I have this problem with patience.

You know, I am definitely the funniest guy I know. I know it. People really dig me. I have a lot of friends, and I never piss them off, as I do it behind their backs, when they are not looking. After all, my favorite record by Metallica is Master of Puppets.

The second one is, who wants to listen to someone fucking masturbating on stage. Oh I do, right. Well, I like playing music you know. As it stands. This is the only time I will admit this:

The third one is, the fucking miserable fucking fuckheads of bands that you play with, and the fucking miserable assholes that show up at these gigs. The fucking friends of mine that have no fucking life, that they have to come out on a Monday night to watch us play 3 songs. I feel bad, I�m so fucking glad. I mean so fucking glad I don�t hang with any musicians. These people are like fucking leeches. Just play your fucking guitar and shut up. Don�t call me and ask me for favors. Sometimes.

I feel like a rapist. Well, I felt like I would have to dig up old skeletons just to try and sell a CD.

I like the way 100 and 50. or, 150 pounds of plastic can feel.

You motherfucker: President Bush insisted Friday he didn't ignore warning signs about the Sept. 11 attacks and said "second guessing has become second nature" to Washington Democrats. New details emerged about terrorist threats last year, putting him on the defensive.

I get on the defensive. I mean I grew up a struggling little gay boy with long hair, attempting to make pretend I wasn�t a little faggot. Oh yeah, I then saw what looked like Lou Reed, I mean Bruce Willis on the side of the road.

If you have

The 11th one is that if I plug

The 6th one is I have no ideas left

The 2nd one

So yeah, I lie a lot, and play with puppets. Who doesn�t like doing one thing and saying another. Who doesn�t enjoy just doing whatever the fuck they have to as long as they are comfortable. Why should I give a fuck if I hurt someone�s feelings? I�ve been pissed on enough, now I get to.

I had trust issues for years after that fucking (***************) motherfukiger

Imagine going your whole life never having had an argument? I never get in arguments. I think people who argue are fucking homosexuals with agendas. I mean I really think arguing is some sort of art I never mastered, so yeah, I run the way, because I�m a pussy, or spineless or whatever I�ve been judged as. Perhaps it was all the *** pumped in and out of me as a little boy. Perhaps.

The

I don�t confront people ever, I�ve never been in a fight. Okay, once, when I was like 14. I think people who get in fights, would probably be comfortable hanging out with Barbara Streisand. How anyone could ever accuse me of being a tough guy, when I am so fucking not, is beyond my comprehension. I run the other way, you said it! How could I be a tough guy. I don�t confront people. I delete the last sentence.

The 4th one is this cocksucker. I hate the fucking smell of alcohol all over the slutty women and men that hang at our gigs. I can�t sit there and pretend I�m enjoying myself.

I can�t play guitar, or write good songs. I don�t want you to hear it. If I have to, I will fucking destroy every fucking recording that has my person on it.

Aye, at 3:44 AM, I am not done yet.

I am self righteous. I have to look that up in the dictionary first though, as I�m still confused as to what it means. I am actually not that smart of a guy, this must be part of my allure, and manipulation techniques. Top ten things I don�t know. I have no idea why people are fighting in Isreal, I have no idea why there was a war in Vietnam, I have no idea what an adverb is, I have no clue how to divide numbers, I have never read a book and understood it if it was written anytime before 1951, I have no idea what communism is, or why I�m supposed to hate Mussolinni, I don�t even know how to spell his name, I�ve seen the Seventh Seal a bunch of times, and have no idea what it�s about, I don�t understand what the stock market is, I have no idea how to speak any language but English.

The 11th one is look at me, I�m a fat old fucking useless stoned waste of time, why would anyone want to watch me play guitar?

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

(say this thirty more times)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I want to get fired from my job and kill myself (repeat)

I think I am going to take that much, much deserved trip this summer. Watch.

Stephanie wants to move to New Orleans, she will die if she does that though, she doesn�t understand this.

Like timmy with the leukemia who died because god didn�t love him anymore. Jesus took timmy because he was a bad kid

I want to get killed in a world trade center bombing incest fire ball incident

We�ll call it the tomato incident. The funny thing is, I saw the tomato plants tonight, they looked innocent enough, not like they could be the fuse of anything.

Sinsimelia

I will not . I don�t believe in democracy anymore, how could I ever make it as a rock star. It�s too late. I know I said I felt one way. Without what I�m supposed to have every 24 hours (with food) though, you see a valley, and then a hill or something jutting out.

They told me it was best if I just rest

They told me to just calm down a little

Everyone has a nervous breakdown

I swear the last few night, I mean like the last week or so, I�ve been a zombie, okay let�s say the last 15 days okay. I�ve not listened. I felt my demise coming. I felt like I would eventually break something in half and then run away from it as usual. I am such a fucking loser sometimes.

I never, never, I like all of my friends, but I also hate them, as stated in the letter to the editor 555

4am now, my arms are light, and my head is lighter, I am ready to sleep, so this may start to not make much sense now from here on out. This is

apparently. I mean Jeremy and I think we�re funny, everyone else should. What kind of world would we live in if we didn�t have freedom of speech. I�ve always tried to be a little friendly. This is why people like me so much. I don�t act like a dickhead. I never tell people to �fuck off leave me alone� I do on the other hand, lie and talk about them behind their backs, and act like a selfish asshole from time to time, but so fucking what. I thought we all agreed that the I am proud to be an asshole was a great title to spew. ?

the 8th one, or 4th where were we, the next one is, come on, nobody is fooling anyone, if anymore of my friends came up to me and told me my band was good one more time, I was going to explode in a barrage of laughter and whatever you know

I am white, how could I possibly be a good musician? If you can name me one white person that has ever recorded a second of good, worthwhile music ever, I will suck 356

As it gets closer to the time when the birds may come out to sing or whatever they do this early, I finish this pack of cigarettes I opened as I walked into Fenway Park earlier tonight. 20 cigarettes in 8 hours, excluding 3 hours at the game, so that�s 20 cigarettes in the, oh shit, I don�t know math and shit, it�s a lot of cigarettes or something

So we make inside jokes, most people say �stop�, or they ignore them. I ignore things that bother me for the most part. I generally, as a rule, so as to not look like an asshole (which I don�t really have to do) don�t tell groups of strangers, my friends friends, to go fuck themselves. Just as a common courtesy, I don�t do that. Even if I am in a shitty mood because I am depressed over a girl or whatever, I leave the pissy mood at home, or I jerk off, and it goes away. If you pay a certain amount in Lynn, you can get off within walking distance of that 7-11. just to not portray myself as an asshole, I leave it inside where nobody can see it, or I manipulate from behind the scenes, once you start showing it though, you look sort of like the guy on the cover

One of the last thing is, why deal with those fuckheads with the fucking spiked belts, and the tight jeans rolled up with armadillos in the trousers. Why deal with them, why put yourself in that league. I have this idea. A bunch of hippies sitting in the back yard

The speaker crackles as we tune our instruments, a bunch of clouds move away from the sun, and then

Today at work, I wrote 7 pages in Microsoft Word that I was going to forward to that same group of people that were solicited with a tomato plant deal that was out of fucking control, I then was going to put it here, I then deleted it. I got paid though.

I am going to sell all of my musical equipment next weekend, and pay off some bills I think.

I may head up to Maine in late June for a weekend, and then retire back to the merry-go-round to live out the rest of the summer.

New England is always alive in the spring, I wouldn�t want it any other way.

before & after