| Oh Joy! | ||
| 2002-05-17 || sit down, now. | ||
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Sitting here watching Steel Magnolias again, wait, sitting here late, smoking, sullen. Wait, sitting here at quarter to 2, ain�t got a dime and�wait, sitting here about to shut the tv off I hate tv, yeah�no, wait, sitting here trying to fall asleep, but the wind from one thousand lonely nights keeps blowing the shutters of my soul open, wait, sitting here in my room, alone, dead, no wait, sitting here like a bump on a log, no stupid, stupid, stupid, sitting here like a cocksucker in heat, that makes no fucking sense whatsoever, sitting here lying to the ceiling with the smoke coming from my unhappy cigarette, no wait, sitting here like a loaded gun, waiting to go off, no wait, sitting here trying to come up with a line, oh wait that�s what I am trying to do so you can�t admit something like that right up front like that so wait, sitting here like a river, flowing through my soul no that doesn�t make any sense sitting here, just plain fucking sitting here, no wait, sitting here drunk on a thousand moon lit nights in the labyrinth of my soul, no too stevie nicks, sitting here trying to understand the math equations�of my soul, no, sitting here, wait, no, wait, sitting here, I, sit, I sit here and I wonder, sitting self, why are you sitting there, what is the point of you sitting there, wait that gets confusing, wait, sitting here looking at the clock, as if it�s some sort of window, to my soul, no wait, sitting here with the cold metal barrel in my mouth, it feels cool, the hot, and cool steel in my mouth, will blow my brains halfway across the fucking universe, no wait, too depressing, sitting here thinking about you, although I don�t know who you are, your soul, is like a unicorn, flying through the universe of other souls that have unicorns flying through them, wait, sitting here a little depressed as I lost my mind today, a couple of times today, no wait, sitting here after a long day at work, I can�t concentrate, I hope they fire me, no wait, sitting here, me, bill evans, and a pack of wounded cigarettes next to my heart, no wait, sitting here, beaten, bruised, soulless, no wait, sitting here, just got done dancing, no wait, sitting here trying to come out on top of all of this, no wait, sitting here about to jerk off in the bucket next to my desk, while looking at pictures of that dyke from Three�s Company, Joyce DeWitt, no wait, sitting here, after just getting in from the Red Sox game, no wait, sitting here playing my guitar, the notes, ah the notes, they come out of my guitar, via�my soul, no wait, I sit here and I sit and I sit and I sit, and I wonder when the moon will cut through the clouds, and take me into the galaxy of life, togetherness, and ambient audio ecstasy star clusters, no wait, sitting here like a broken fucking record, just got molested by a priest, no wait, sitting here in a cave with some of my fellow Al Queda home boys chillin out, ready to crash Jeep Cherokee�s into fruit stands all over the Midwest, no wait, sitting here listening to black Sabbath on a cassette, no wait, sitting here with a violin in my lap, the violin, it plays songs that penetrate my ears, heart, and soul, no wait, sitting here trying to get started here, sitting here not able to deal with OCD for much longer, sitting here only once, not twice, sitting here trying to figure out when the fires in my soul will be extinguished, and when they will finally be tame, no, no, no, no, sitting here on a train, a train that travels through time, until it comes crashing through the barn full of American citizens who only speak in gibberish, no, wait, sitting here thinking about a time when we lived across from the baseball field, oh those were days, me and my cousin Timmy would go over and play catch on the hot days, walk over to the fire station and buy a coca cola (can I say that?) in the glass fucking bottle, how fucking good does that shit taste in a glass fucking bottle, for 25 cents at the time, we would play ball there, years later I would be involved in an incest incident in the same parking lot where I would (an incest incident, that has a nice ring to it) years previous, play an innocent game of catch with my friend Timmy, I think Timmy got leukemia and then died, so that kind of sucked for Timmy, sometimes I wonder if he was ever involved in any type of incest incident before he went and died from Leukemia because God didn�t like him anymore, I miss Timmy some times, God, you are a mean man/woman, why do you let little boys like Timmy go to heaven, and not people like Steve Guttenberg, and Sting, why do you do bad things God, I wonder how you would feel if we had inflicted your son, that guy from the Hoagy Carmichael Octet, with a disease like that, and then sent him on his way to heaven all early, how would you feel then you, well, I won�t be mean, as I love you, I found you and your son recently, and I am going to join you all someday soon, nobody will know what happened, all of a sudden jesus is in my heart, I am accepting jesus Christ as my savior, I am dead fucking serious, I read the bible afuckinggain, and I enjoyed it, I want to be with them and the animals and people in my neighborhood who talk to me but briefly, until the scurry on back in for nightly excursions in the bedroom, I wonder, wait, sitting here about to suck the cock of this one legged midget with Parkinson�s Disease and a lisp named �Santiago McDonalds Cheeseburgers�, no sitting here like a guy who just got bit by a shark, ooooh fuck, no wait, sitting here intense, tense, in tense situations, sititng, I mean, no wait, sitting here like a man who has just discovered his goldfish has passed away, sitting here like a pile of cocaine, expensive, and bad for your heart, no wait, sitting here like one-thousand dollars, won, no wait, sitting here like a self-loathing-woman-hating-republican-loving gypsy from Paris, no wait, sitting here, drunk, no wait, sitting here drunk on the night, no wait, sitting here messy, all fucking messy, my hair, it turned so fucking grey today, I know it happened within hours too, this is how it always happens, the grey develops over a couple of minutes, a little stress, boom, here�s your fucking grey hair, I kind of like it though, makes me feel dignified, sitting here, like a big April Fools joke gone horribly wrong, no wait, sitting here like a forest where no sound is made, because no trees have fallen, yet I�m sitting in the forest, so I of course would hear them anyway, no wait, sitting here attempting to kill someone in fifteen easy steps, no wait, sitting here, eventually dying, no wait, sitting here, waiting, waiting for the night to come, and sweep my soul off of this planet, into a vortex of erotic souls, and banshees of fire and sword wielding astro fairies, no wait, sitting here like the third baseman of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, a fucking loser, no wait, sitting here, like the whole recorded output of Charlie Parker on Verve, no wait, sitting here like a cigarette that�s burned down to the filter, like my soul, burned down to the filter, you know, no wait, sitting here, sitting here, no wait, sitting here, frozen, ice, frozen, cold, winter, death, no wait, sitting here like a bad Siouxsie and the Banshees song, no wait, sitting here attempting to see if I can completely go out of my mind without the medicine for one day, no wait, sitting here not wanting to tell anyone I have to take drugs to be well, no wait, don�t go there in here, no wait, sitting here not wanting to let any information get out, you should abort the mission, as things are generally not what they seem, I mean look at the history, when is the last time I didn�t hold a knife up to a back, I mean how much information is allowed at a given time, no wait, sitting here, no wait, sitting here no wait, sitting here, no wait, sitting here no wait, sitting here, no wait, sitting here no wait, sitting here, no wait, sitting here no wait, sitting here, no wait, sitting here no wait, sitting here, no wait, sitting here no wait, sitting here, no wait, sitting here no wait, sitting here, no wait, sitting here no wait, sitting here, no wait, sitting here no wait, sitting here, no wait, sitting here no wait, sitting here, no wait, sitting here, remembering the time I sat in the chair and spun around like a child, well, I was fucked up on something that night, the booze, the pills, oh yeah, the nights of pills, multi vitamins, and Advil, that was it, I haven�t taken a pill, you know, a real pill, I never took a pain killer in my life funny I should think of that now, the things they make me pull out in the meetings, like how did you feel when he took his penis out in front of you, what was it like getting pulled into a car and almost kidnapped by an asian man when you were a child in the 70�s, I mean how did this affect you, do you think your friend Bobby Gonzalez from down the street turned out fucked up like you, remember the time you and your friend Bobby Gonzales decided to fuck, do you remember you were a little fag when you were a boy, remember playing doctor with other little boys when you were a little older, and trying to pass it off like you were molested, when you knew what you were doing, you were going to fuck another little boy, your parents were always out, so they wouldn�t catch you, I remember thinking of girls though, I wasn�t thinking I was with another male, I made pretend it was a girl, the girls at that age, they weren�t really developed, so it didn�t make much difference with the lights off and just some light touching of the area, you know, remember watching all the drugs being taken around you by family members and not able to think about it much, remember knowing at a young age that you would grow up wrong, remember realizing a few years back that you would never, ever, ever, ever, ever be able to have a social relationship with anyone because they all seemed different to you, you didn�t know if you had some of the same things in common, how would you bring it up, so ummmm, were you sucking cock as a young boy like me, just wondering, and then saying it was a joke, just wanted to see what you said, I�m no faggot, I was a faggot, or whatever they call them now, men of mirror image lovers or something like that, or you see yourself, you�re a man, so you do it with the mirror, or another one, remember the time you took yourself halfway across the universe, no wait, sitting here trying to back this truck out of here, as I really, really, really, really, really, need to go home, no wait, sitting here, 20 cigarettes, one John Coltrane ballad, no wait, sitting here, French kissing a witch, that came from the planet Jupiter, no wait sitting here, completely normal, don�t say I don�t know what I�m walking about, this is 10 hours old now, sitting here, trying to pour whiskey into a Dixie cup, sitting here, no wait, sitting here, like a retired military guy, no wait, sitting here not wanting sympathy, or an explanation, but understanding that this is exactly what I needed, a vacation from the vampires and ecstasy dealers, I wonder if I cleared my head out with a bullet, but did it at an angle so as to not kill myself, just blow some of the dirty stuff that�s clogging up space in my head out of there for good, no wait, sitting here 900 words in, dead, no wait, sitting here, maladjusted, and feeling like a priest, the priest, they never touched me, now that, that, would be something that could fuck you up and make you not normal anymore, getting touched by friends, and relatives that�s nothing, I remember at 10 years old, 10 years old, me and this girl Jamie went in the bushes and played doctor, how funny what happens in the bushes behind the backs, like the scary man in the bushes in the direct sunlight on Sunday, I never called anyone on that, I left the scene of the crime, and made it back to the castle on time to see the sun go down for the evening, and pet the cat until she fell asleep, I mean most nights now, I come home, read for an hour, lift weights for thirty minutes, throw the new on, have a cigarette, maybe pray to Jesus Christ, and then hit the bed, I mean, usually, usually, on a good night, I�ll be in bed by 8:30 (this is supposed to be me 16 years ago), on a good night, I�ll listen to some punk records, and, yeah, I�ll be in bed by 8:30 or so, there�s nothing happening late at night anymore, no wait, sitting here like a broken record, did I say that already, I swear to fucking Christ, I will delete this whole fucking thing if I just repeated myself, remember the time, okay, this is a good one, you would go to that house with your dad, and you would wait out in the car while he went and bought expensive cocaine, you would flip through the Penthouse magazine in the backseat while he went in the house getting cocaine from that guy�Billy, that was his name, remember the cocaine, I am so glad I never did cocaine ever, I am also glad, and you can quote me on this, I am glad that I finally decided to quit smoking cigarettes, it�s been 5 years since I had a cigarette, I give off the appearance of a cigarette smoker, but if you look close, look closely at me, you will see, do you see, I don�t smoke, who are you kidding, don�t kid yourself, just because you have 20/20 vision, doesn�t necessarily mean you will always have it easy, just because, no wait, sitting here with this CD, this is crazy jazz, loud, dischordant, I think if I continue with the rock band, I will play the loud dischordant guitar over the melodies and beats that the trio provides on the spot, they can provide the beats, and the underlying melodies for which I will play the dischordant guitar over, that�s it, new idea, I will call them three tomorrow and apologize over a couple glasses of tomato juice that we all hate, and tell them how it was a cruel joke, I never mean anything but good, I mean look at me, I run in the house as I�m scared like a rabbit, I mean look at me, I open up this book for all to see, and nobody pays attention, this is the window I will provide right now, this is the window, this time, and this time only, I will delete after 24 hours, I swear to fucking god, I swear to fucking go I once took this painting of a basket of fruit, I gave it to this old blind woman that lived in the coffee shop above the pirate ship sales office, and I gave her this painting, and boy you should have seen her, she loved it, absolutely loved it, you should have seen her, she said if she could see it, she would probably cry, but the sheer magnitude of it all was so fucking intense for the little old blind woman, that she just stood there grinning, almost like the Grinch who stole Christmas or whatever it was, I thought to myself that if I suggested to my friend that we pick up someone on the side of the road and murder them, we might win some points with the big boys, and then work our way up to vegetables, and various stimulants that help you figure things out, I mean think of it this way, I�m sitting here, it�s close to 3AM, I have a meeting in a few hours, I�m smoking cigarette after cigarette, I�m drinking this old cup of coffee, the tv is turned down, but Marlon Brando walks tall on the screen, all day today, I thought I had tinnitus, every once and a while the sound would go out in one ear, see, see, perhaps it was good I didn�t play the guitar loud like a piano tonight, see, see, and the reason I think of this now is, my ear aches, both of them, my cruel fate awaits me, I will go deaf within the next month, deaf as a bat they say, you�ll have to, I mean this is if I ever leave this house again, right now I am scared, I mean really scared to ever leave this house again and face anyone, I am embarrassed a little, but more or less, jealous of everyone else knowing how to do things right, I drive by the big expensive buildings late at night and hope at one point, they�ll at least let me on the roof, but I mean I sit here, like I was saying, writing to myself, trying to come up with the right way to explain this, and then I realize I just explained it, well, not in here, well, not in here where anyone would catch it, somewhere else, where the horses and the geese, and the ducks all run free, somewhere where no faggots will persuade me, I mean I ma petrified of them, I am petrified of the way things always work out for me, not the way I want them, I have been this much selfish for along time, but I mean, seriously, I sit here and wonder when it becomes evident that this is all worth it, then, and only then, will I realize that it doesn�t matter, none of this matters in the grand scheme of things, so I have some issues, I don�t have the issues some people have, consider yourself lucky son, consider yourself alive, and well, as there are people with real problems that make you seem like a walk in the park, I�m never difficult, I�ve never been, I�m easy to read, and I will never lie, I�ve never told a lie in my entire life, the only mistake I�ve made was that time I signed up for that thing, that thing I didn�t want anything to do with, does that make sense, I mean normally, like I said earlier today, I try to write as if I�m just talking to myself, a lot of the time you know, in the car, driving of course, I have these conversations, but for just tonight, an exclusive engagement, one night only, I write this stupid diary as if someone may be reading it, that is why this is honest, and right here for you to sleep on, if I had it any other way, I would be like the others, after tonight, I go back to the old me though, go to work, go to band practice, go home, go to bed, repeat until you can vomit again, so I write this as if someone, just one fucking person perhaps, is reading along going yeah I get what you�re saying, that�s what I�m trying to say, I hope this is clear, as I�m still not comfortable, or able to come up with an introduction to this.
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