I just ran into the house, as I thought I felt the evil presence I feel sometimes outside. I saw the face of that man from Sunday afternoon hiding in the bushes like on Sunday. That was one of the scariest things I�ve experienced.

So there I am enjoying a Sunday by myself running some errands, enjoying my first �day off from people� in a couple of weeks. I�m smack in the middle of a lot of band stuff from the past few weeks, and a general bustling week of social, mentally draining days that seem to never end. So I took a Sunday off, disconnected the phone, planned my day around the one night I do enjoy some good television shows for once. I stop to get some gas, and there�s a young kid working there, well, when I say �young kid�, I mean a 25 year old kid. I pay him the money and he says

�I�ve never been this scared at a job before�

�Huh?�

�I�m freaking out right now�

�Why�s that?� I�m squinting at the sunless sky behind his crooked teeth

�There�s a guy that�s been walking around here all day�

�Walking around?�

�Every time a customer shows up, he hides�

�You should call the police� I suggest, wanting to re light the 3 inch cigarette stub in my hand

�I can�t�this place next store got robbed the other night�

�Well, you should call the police man�

�Watch, when you pull out, he�s hiding behind a bush in front of that building�

I pull out of the lot, and drive by the bush. Low and behold there�s a man standing behind the bush. I creep by slowly while Coltrane tells me what a few of his favorite things are. I make eye contact with the man and am immediately filled with dread. He stared right through me like Charles Manson would. He was a short man, and looked like what I pictured, and what he�s described as in the book, Randall Patrick McMurphy from One Flew Over the Cuckoo�s Nest.

Every once and a while you�ll see someone who scares you like that guy, or like Bob from Twin Peaks.

I spent the rest of the afternoon driving and trying to find out where I left my head the night before.

We have one more gig, tomorrow night. Well, one more gig out of the 3 that we had in the past few weeks. It should be interesting, but it�s doubtful anyone will show up, as nobody ever comes out to see us now. A few friends here and there, but we haven�t reached any other people really. I think the best thing to do is to keep booking gigs, and pushing ourselves on people like shrewd businessmen, and maybe, someday, a stranger will show up at a gig to see us. If not, whatever, I enjoy playing in the room as much as I do on a stage. In fact, I think I look more forward to the creation process, and the jamming in the room than I do the actual gigs. At least you only have 3 people to deal with in the room.

I need to watch the film Happiness again this weekend. I decided this weekend is �movie weekend�, aside from the graduation party for a friend on Saturday, I am going to stick around at home and watch movies and write music. I tend to write music when watching certain types of movies. Ultimately, I�d love to compose music for a movie, or even improvise over an already made film. For now, I�ll continue with the writing at home on the bed with the films on the tv set. I can�t go out that much nowadays. I feel exhausted each night when I leave here. Before I get to band practice, and after band practice I feel like I am going to pass out. Perhaps I should cut out the 4-5 cups of coffee a day. The brief periods of going out and doing night stuff is long coming to a close. Now that it�s evident that nothing is going on out there at night anymore. The people wandering around are the same as me, losers with no place to go looking for something. Looking for drug dealers, and hookers, and homeless guys to drive around the block. In the suburbs it�s a bit different than that though. You get to drive around and look at the trees, and smiling white faces plastered in front of the well kept lawns. At night I used to enjoy taking a nice drive, but I�m getting tired of it now. I haven�t taken a far away drive by myself in a while now. I think towards the end of the summer I may go somewhere again, like Virginia, or North Carolina, or maybe somewhere more west. I need to take another solo road trip though, simple as that. There�s no rock bands I need to follow around the country or anything, and my old car is about to be paid off, so why not take myself out to dinner?

As much as you don�t believe me, I hate this rainy weather now. it�s not making anything better for anyone, really.

IN TROUBLE? FEELING DEPRESSED? FEELING LIKE YOU WANT TO JUMP OFF A BUILDING? WHY NOT TAKE SOME DRUGS? I THINK CHILDREN SHOULD TAKE DRUGS. I THINK CHILDREN SHOULD EXPERIMENT WITH FIRE AND WEAPONS. I THINK CHILDREN SHOULD BE RAISED TO BE KILLERS. I AM GOING TO HAVE A CHILD. NO, I AM GOING TO QUIT DOING DRUGS, AND ADOPT A CHILD, AS I NEVER WANT TO HAVE SEX AGAIN. I AM GOING TO ADOPT A CHILD AND RAISE IT DIFFERENTLY THAN THE AVERAGE PERSON WOULD. I AM GOING TO TEACH MY KID THAT IF SOMEONE MAKES FUN OF THEM IN THE SCHOOLYARD, LIKE DADDY DID, THEY SHOULD HIT THE PERSON WITH A LARGE, BLUNT OBJECT REPEATEDLY. I WANT MY KID TO DO ALL THE KILLING FOR ME. ALL OF THE KILLING THAT I DO NOW, I WILL HAVE THIS KID DO IT FOR ME. I WILL CALL THIS CHILD TIMOTHY. TIMOTHY WILL BE RAISED BY ME TO THINK HAVING A FATHER ON DRUGS IS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE AND IF ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING TO THE CONTRARY, THEY NEED TO BE HIT WITH A WEAPON. IF THE CHILD IS TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, AND THAT KIND OF THING, I WILL TEACH IT TO JUST KEEP HITTING THE PEOPLE THAT DISAGREE WITH IT UNTIL THE PERSON THAT DISAGREES IS NO LONGER MOVING. �WHEN THE ANIMAL STOPS MOVING, YOU CAN STOP HITTING IT� I WILL TELL TIMOTHY. WHEN IT�S TIME TO GO TO THE POLICE THEY WILL LET MY KID TIMOTHY GO BECAUSE HE IS A LITTLE KID AND HE DOESN�T KNOW ANY BETTER. I WANT TO GIVE MY CHILD LSD WHEN HE IS 9 YEARS OLD AND GOING ON A FIELD TRIP TO A MUSEUM. �DADDY WILL MAKE A BIG CONTAINER OF KOOL AID FOR YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS TO DRINK, MAKE SURE THEY ALL TASTE IT, IT�S A SPECIAL FLAVOR THAT MAKES SCIENCE MORE FUN THAN EVER!� MY KID WILL DO THE LSD, AS WILL ALL THE KIDS AND I WILL HAVE CREATED A BUSLOAD OF CHILDREN ON LSD. AT ONE POINT WHILE MY CHILD TIMOTHY IS GROWING UP I WILL TEACH HIM THE LESSONS OF GOOD PEOPLE AND BAD PEOPLE. I WILL TEACH HIM THAT HE SHOULD NEVER TRUST PEOPLE WHO LOOK DIFFERENT THAN HIM, AS THEY ARE BAD PEOPLE THAT DO BAD THINGS LIKE TRY TO HURT SANTA CLAUS AND THE EASTER BUNNY. I WILL TEACH MY CHILD THAT WHEN HE GOES INTO A SMALL STORE THAT LOOKS LIKE IT�S OWNED BY A GUY AND HIS WIFE STRUGGLING TO MAKE A LIVING, HE SHOULD STEAL EXPENSIVE ITEMS FROM THE STORE, AS THE MAN AND WOMAN ARE BAD PEOPLE, BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO OWN LITTLE SHOPS TRYING TO PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE ARE BAD PEOPLE WHO DO THINGS LIKE HURT SANTA CLAUS AND THE EASTER BUNNY. I WILL TEACH MY CHILD THAT THEY SHOULD ALWAYS TALK BACK TO POLICEMEN AND TEACHERS AND BIG PEOPLE. I WANT MY KID TO START SMOKING CIGARETTES, AND GAMBLING WHEN HE IS IN JUNIOR HIGH. I AM GOING TO TELL MY KID THAT HE SHOULD SPEND HIS WHOLE PAYCHECK ON SCRATCH TICKETS AND CIGARETTES AND WOMEN WILL COME FLOCKING TO HIM. I WILL TEACH MY KID THAT HE SHOULD LIGHT FIREWORKS, ESPECIALLY IN DRY, WOODED AREAS. I WILL TEACH MY CHILD ABOUT SOME OF MY HEROES, LIKE BERNARD CARDINAL LAW, AND OSAMA BIN LADEN, RONALD REAGAN, RICHARD NIXON, POL POT, AND GUYS LIKE THAT. I WILL TEACH MY CHILD THAT ALLAH IS THE ALL EVER WATCHING BEING AND THAT HE SHOULD OBEY ALLAH AT ALL TIMES, EVEN IF IT MEANS CRASHING HIS CAR INTO A SIDEWALK CAF� ON NEWBURY STREET. I WILL TEACH MY CHILD THAT PEOPLE WHO DRINK ESPRESSO ON SIDEWALK CAFES ARE BAD PEOPLE THAT DO THINGS LIKE HURT SANTA CLAUS AND THE EASTER BUNNY. I WILL TEACH MY KID THAT MEN LIKE CARDINAL BERNARD LAW ARE GOOD MEN. I WILL TEACH HIM THAT IF AN OLDER MAN TOUCHES HIM, IT�S OKAY. I WANT MY CHILD TO LEARN THE THINGS I LEARNED WHEN I WAS A BOY. I WANT HIM TO REALIZE THAT IT�S OKAY TO BE TOUCHED BY ANYONE, ESPECIALLY RELATIVES, AND RELIGIOUS PEOPLE. I WANT MY CHILD TO THEN KILL THE PEOPLE THAT TOUCH HIM. UNLIKE HIS DADDY, WHO DID NOTHING, I WANT MY CHILD TO FIGHT BACK AND MURDER THE PEOPLE WHO TOUCH HIM. I WILL THEN TEACH MY CHILD THAT IF SOMEONE TOUCHES YOU, ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER, THEY ARE BAD PEOPLE, AND THEY NEED TO BE MADE TO NOT BREATHE ANYMORE SO THEY DON�T HURT ANYONE ELSE. I DON�T WANT MY CHILD TO EVER HURT LIKE I HAVE. GIVE THE CHILDREN DRUGS, AND RAISE THEM CORRECTLY. THIS IS MY CALLING. THIS IS THE WAY I WILL DO THINGS NOW. I WILL RAISE A GOOD BOY. I DON�T WANT ANYONE TO EVER TURN OUT LIKE ME. I WANT HIM TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS. I THINK WITH THIS VAGUE PLAN, IT COULD BE THE BEGINNING OF SOMETHING AMAZING.

before & after