| Oh Joy! | ||
| 2001-09-27 || Piss, Paul Stanley, and the roast beef thief | ||
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Sometimes a motherfucker will get angry. Other times a motherfucker will get confused. So I stay in work until like 7 o�clock tonight because some motherfuckers are just slow, and don�t do shit, so the motherfucking boss has to pick up the slack. Why does the boss have to stay late and shit? Because the boss is a motherfucker that needs to stay late I guess. So we had band rehearsal tonight. First off, a motherfucker gets hungry when he works all day without lunch. At one point today, well, over the course of three or four hours I had to piss. I�m under the philosophy that if you have to piss, and you have shit that needs to get done, don�t take the piss, drink a little bit more water. Having to piss makes one more intense. Shit gets done when you need to take a piss. You have this uncomfortable motherfucking feeling going on down in your �area�, yet you set yourself a goal, and say to your self �Okay motherfucker, you need to piss? Well, how about you make some fucked up motherfucking formulas in excel even though you sucked at math when you were younger, and THEN and only THEN, you can take your sissy piss. Only girls, or men who would feel comfortable in all leather, or hanging around a gym with a bunch of guys named �Brett� and �Blane� take pisses when they have to go. You know how it is. If you�ve ever been in a car with a human being that can bear children and they have to piss, they HAVE TO FUCKIN PISS. It doesn�t matter if you�re being chased by a bunch of Russian spies because you have a microfilm with some pertinent information to their cause (or ours for that matter), if the chick has to piss, you best stop the car. The young lady ain�t gonna piss in the Mountain Dew bottle like every guy in the world has tried at least once. Motherfuck. You ever try this shit? I did this once. I was in my car at this big rock concert that was taking place on like an airstrip or some shit like that. The nearest porta-pottie was like a mile away, so I decided to try this�in the back seat of a car. First off, a motherfucker can not piss if he�s sitting down on anything but a toilet, secondly, I am Italian you know, but even a dude with a little �mr.special� would not be able to line that shit up without pissing all over their hand for about 9 seconds of the experience. Which brings another thing to mind, what kind of an asshole washes their hands after they go to the bathroom? Motherfuckers always ask me �Why didn�t you wash your hands just now?� �Because I pissed in the fucking toilet, not on my hands, did you piss all over your hands or some shit like that?� I should hope (unless I rubbed my �family jewels� all over a homeless persons face) that anything in that area is clean as anything, so I�m not worried about getting germs on my hands. The only person that should be worried about getting germs from �downstairs� is your momma. So here I am pissing in this Diet Dr Pepper bottle in the middle of August in the backseat of a fucking white Ford Festiva or some shitty rent-a-car like that. Finally some shit starts happening down there. This is when you realize �Shit, I piss more than 16 oz!�. The uncomfortable warmth of the bottle is another reason that my maiden �pissing in a bottle� experience was also my final one. Next time, I will hold it in. Then, and only then, I will get some shit done. Like maybe getting up the strength to walk a mile. So I leave work, and like a motherfucker, I am hungry, I have a few minutes before practice, so I stop at this roast beef place and get myself some dead cow and shit. There�s some drunk/bum dude in there. The guy behind the counter seems like a nice guy, I�ve been in there before, and the motherfucker has hooked a motherfucker up with some good flesh sandwiches. He�s a typical dude that works in a roast beef joint. The motherfucker is also a thief! The dudes shit came to 5.75, the guy puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and then for the �.75� he puts another three bucks down. Roast beef dude hands the guy a motherfucking quarter. I saw the dude count the shit! He knew what he was doing! That dude could have been drinking Chivas Regal, instead he�s drinking fucking Natural Ice tonight, thanks to the Roast Beef thief! The sandwich sucked too. I ain�t ever going back in that motherfucker again. Since all the pansies left work early today and I was there late, I got to throw some rock and roll in. I threw my Kiss compilation CD I made a few months back. Man, those motherfuckers. As silly as those motherfuckers can be sometimes, I love them still. The only thing is, and I realized this after I went and pissed in the toilet (at 6:49 PM EST), and came back to the sounds of their biggest song �Rock and Roll All Nite�, I don�t think I would want to Rock and Roll all Nite and Party every day. The partying every day thing might get to me. I guess it would be fine if I could just �keep on shouting, keep on shouting� that I wanted to do both things, but I doubt I could really go through with it. I guess in the realm of Paul �Star Child� Stanley (who proudly adorns the September page of the Kiss Calendar in the Presley practice space) I am more of an �all talk and no action� type of a guy. Now put me in a song like �Ladies Room�, and I will be more than happy to be an �all action� type of a guy. I�ll meet you in the Ladies Room, sure, no motherfucking problem at all. I will have sex with all of you ladies, when I meet you in the ladies room. A song like �I Was Made For Loving You� is sort of a mixed bag. That song is a great song, it�s also the worst Kiss song. The band�s first foray into the disco world was a success for a minute, but once one discovers the rest of the Dynasty album one begins to get scared. This is where the side of Paul that all nice, clean cut American men like myself did not want to see. Some refer to this as the beginning stages of Paul�s �coming out of the closet� phase, it hasn�t really happened yet, although it sort of did when on two occasions later on. The first being him singing the song �Heaven�s on Fire�, and then again when the Starchild starred in the stage production of Phantom of the Opera in Toronto I think it was. These were two instances where guys like myself second guessed the song �Ladies Room� and if it�s true meeting was �Yeah, I�ll meet you in the Ladies Room, where I�ll put a fucking dress and some lipstick on� . A song like �Lick It Up� is obviously another �all action� song. Quite possibly the best song about eating pussy this side of Squeezes �Pulling Mussels From a Shell�. Sure I�ll lick it up, I�m not gonna lie to you, and Paul ain�t either. He tells the listener �Life�s such a treat, and it�s time you taste it. There ain�t no reason on earth to waste it. It ain�t a crime to be good to yourself� In other words, Paul is telling the listener that �there is nothing more important in the world right now than me eating your pussy, let�s do this�. The world could be on fire, yet all you need is Paul Stanley eating your pussy. Good for Paul! I�d also like to state that I would feel comfortable in a song like �King of the Night Time World�, �Let�s Put the X in Sex�, and my favorite Kiss song, well in my top three, �Got To Choose�, where the narrator puts his foot down. He hears from some neighbors that �someones� come around who shares your time� , he needs her to choose �whose your baby?�. Check this song out, and if it�s not your favorite track, I�ll refund your money. Go out and be a good motherfucker and buy Kiss Hotter than Hell on CD, it�s usually cheap, and as well as the aforementioned song, you get the title track, the Simmons classic stalker song �Watchin� You�, a classis pedophile song �Goin� Blind� ( a nice ditty about being so old that you�re going blind, best line �I�m 93, your just 13� or something like that), �Parasite�, as well as some others. Why don�t you sing my guestbook and tell me what kind of a motherfucker you are in the world of the following Kiss songs, a shit talking sissy, or a motherfucker that takes action? �Shout it Out Loud� � Are you gonna stand up for partying? This song is about �getting your party started�, and just fucking yelling that you are about to party, You need to shout it out loud so motherfuckers can hear you, or you need to go pull out your sissy Chicago records. �Christine Sixteen� � Are you gonna go hit on that 16 year old girl walking home from school, or are you gonna go home and masturbate to the Mary Tyler Moore show? �Deuce� � Is she worth a deuce? Doubtful. �Cold Gin� � It�s Cold Gin time again, you know it�s the only thing that will keep us together. Are you gonna take a taste of alcohol? Check out this shit: 978-853-6900. �Calling Doctor Love� � Are you gonna call the doctor, or sit there and twiddle your fucking thumbs? �Take it Off� � Are you gonna wave your panties in the air, lick your lips and shake your hair? On another note, band practice sucked tonight. I think maybe everyone is exhausted or something. Dan is sick, so I don�t think he was up to it, and we didn�t really have any energy. We decided on trying to take on some covers. Some ideas, we, or I have thought of, or have done: �Cortez the Killer� by Neil Young, we�ve done this a few times now, and tried it tonight, and I forgot the first line, so we didn�t end up really doing it. �Web in Front� by the Archer�s of Loaf�, we used to do a kick ass version of this when we started playing in the room we�re in now. �Ceremony� by New Order. I haven�t brought this up to the band, but if they are reading this, they should seek out the song and get back to me. �Shake Dog Shake� by the Cure. This could be heavy as metal can be. �Academy Fight Song� by Mission of Burma. We did this before once, and it was okay. The whole Meddle album by Pink Floyd. I swear we�ll make this happen some day. That�s about all I can think of. Any honest ideas for cover songs, send to [email protected]. Any ideas about why you are so lame can be sent to [email protected] |
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