So I had this stash of porno magazines for a while in my closet, and tonight I was doing some cleaning up and found a stack of them (Hustler, Cheri, Barely Legal, etc.) and loaded them all up in my bag. I was going up to the rehearsal room tonight to do some clean up. I seem to be the only guy who will go up there and do that, so I guess I don�t have to pay rent for the next few months. So I got this bag full of porno magazines, I�m smoking some marijuana, and blaring Limp Bizkit in my car on my way to practice trying to think of good (shit, this is Slater from Dazed and Confused and he was just fucking Gina Gershon in this movie. What a shitty actress, she�s always getting fucked in some way in her movies. She does have that mouth that looks like she could suck the skin off of a zucchini though), constructive way to get rid of my pornography that is played out at this point. I have this bag with about 15 of them in there. First stop, the construction sight down the street from my house where they�re building those new condos. They have one of those areas where all the cars and trucks park in the morning. I give them one issue of Cheri, and two issues of Hustler. Next stop, Salem Hospital, they get one copy of Hustler at that bus stop in front of the entrance on Highland Ave. Next stop, the bus stop in front of the new elementary school on Highland Ave, they get two issues of Hustler, one Barely Legal (how appropriate! They should have got my copies of �Not Legal Whatsoever� that I ordered from Denmark last year). Next Stop that weird church in Peabody (perhaps a Protestant, or Unitarian?) They get a couple Cheri�s, one Barely Legal. Next, the Red Cross thing in front of that grocery store that you�re supposed to drop clothes and shit in for victims of that shit that happened in New York a couple weeks back. They get five copies of Hustler, one Penthouse, and a Barely Legal. Who says people that get the shit blown out of them by Muslim terrorists don�t need to jerk off? Do you say that? You say what? They are just interested in getting their lives back together and shit? I think they need to look at some nice tail to forget about all that negative shit. Last stop was Dunkin Donuts near the practice space, who got one copy of Playboy (what a boring magazine, even if that Wild on E! girl was on the cover) strategically placed on top of the trash bucket outside. Just call me Santa Claus.

I just got this e-mail from �[email protected]� :

�Dear Friend,

I have your deluxe 24-Piece Tool Kit from the American Homeowners

Association. It�s FREE. But I need to know where to send it.

Please complete the form at the link below within the next 24 hours

so I can ship it to you immediately�..�

I responded:

�Susan, I�d love to receive this tool kit, unfortunately, my whole family was burned, crushed, and eventually killed by very, very, very hot jet fuel and concrete last week while taking a tour of the Pentagon building, so I don�t really need it right now. Please feel free to give it to Red Cross so we can get it to a family that REALLY needs it.

PS Are you wearing panties right now?�

I get so much fucking cock-sucking junk mail now, I want to blow up buses full of football players. What is with these motherfuckers?

I can�t go into the video store anymore. That is a motley crew of dudes that work in there. Straight from the comic book convention to the counter of Blockbuster Video. First there�s the African American guy who talks like the whitest guy this side of Jay Leno, then there is the assortment of very tall, very large �guys-who-love-Star-Wars-and-the-last-time-they-touched-a-vagina-was-on-the-way-out-of-their-mothers-vagina� guys. They are always talking about Kevin Smith this, and swords, and dragons, and making loud, too loud jokes about video game characters, or shit that motherfuckers like me just don�t get. I have a joke for these motherfuckers. How many dudes that work at the Blockbuster Video near my house �that shit now that I think about it should have gotten some porn mags in the returned video box so that annoying gigantic woman that works there and is the manager finds them� does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: I have no fucking idea, because I have no idea what these assholes are capable of beyond annoying me, and making my video shopping experience a slight nightmarish time. Tonight too, the African American was talking to another African American person in there, and you would think it was the first time he ever talked to another one. I think he�s been hanging with the white folk too much, as last time I talked to him he was telling me how amazing Money Train with Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes was. We all know the only Wesley Snipes a motehrfucker needs is Passenger 57. Which is probably being rented quite a bit right now, given the current events.

This movie now sucks, as Gina Gershon has failed to take her clothes off for the past twenty minutes or so.

Shit, the Slater guy from Dazed and Confused just shot Gina Gershon in the tummy! I wonder how many times the real life Gina Gershon has had something shot at her tummy like that? The Gersh is now all fucked up on the bed, this Slater guy holds a startling resemblance to C. Thomas Howell, a hot piece of ass if I don�t say so myself, at least in those S.E Hinton movies he was in. Slater survived the whole ordeal. He should grow his hair long and start doing bong hits again, the rookie cop role didn�t suit him well in this movie. Wait, now she�s alive and in a cop car? What the fuck is with her? Oh, it was a dream.

I have a stomach ache now, look what you did. You are an asshole, stop reading my private diary!

before & after