I haven�t written in here in a few days now. I haven�t felt like talking to anyone this past. I haven�t felt like doing much of anything. I�ve had nothing to say. We have this new song in the band, and it�s a struggle to write words for it, as I have nothing I need to say. Aside from the obvious, a bunch of people at work were laid off. Friends, colleagues, people I see every day, or communicate with every day, now have nothing to do every day. I can�t imagine what this feeling is like. The last time I was not working at all was when I was 14 years old I think. Right before I got a job at the Jewish deli in the mall near where I grew up. I washed dishes. Me, and this old retarded guy. Every Saturday I would go in this place and get soggy fingers for probably three bucks an hour or something. This was 9th grade I guess. I remember specifically hanging out at this mall almost every day with my skateboard and punk rock t-shirt on. From there I went to the supermarket stocking groceries, and delivering groceries to old women. I remember some old woman told me not to trust Italian people. Me being Italian immediately asked to use the bathroom, where I made a pit stop to her pocket book and decided it would be best if she added 50 bucks to the 1 dollar tip she had already given me. She never mentioned anything about Italian people after that. I can�t understand what it would be like to be unemployed. This to me is a predicament I would rather not experience. I have this drive. Granted it�s a drive to have some sort of plan each day, or something to answer to, but it�s a plan nonetheless. So these good people for the most part I work with don�t get the monotony of work to look forward to. I have felt almost more depressed about this than about the recent terrorist act. It�s strange as I personally think you need money and some sort of day to day routine to survive. People, families and the like seem to come and go, and people move on. Love. People survive without love. Death. People seem to survive after death. Sudden, unexpected death is obviously traumatic. But for me, I think I need some sort of thing to answer to every day to survive, regardless of how tedious it is. Most folks I know seem to not be able to move on. They can�t survive by themselves. They need a love interest at all times, they need friends, or people around them constantly. I need some oxygen, and I need a paycheck basically. In an ironic way, it�s strange that these two huge symbols of money (the �city of gold� is now New York) come crashing down, everyone is rallying around this. Hey, I�ve even grown a little more patriotic in the past week, but it�s still pretty silly that when this stuff is happening in Israel every day, or in �safer� far away places, we are happy to sit here with our convenient little lives and ignore how shitty this stuff really is. Most people I know don�t read a newspaper. It seems anytime I ask someone �hey did you here what happened�?� they have no clue what I�m talking about. The people who forgot what Peter Jennings looked like, or who Wolf Blitzer was are now best friends with the news. I am just as guilty of being selfish, but I never ignore the news. I read at least 2 newspapers a day, and have for years (�because I read the fucking PAPER!�). I read the news online as much as possible, and for the most part try to keep in touch with what�s going on. This whole thing was bound to happen. Considering we basically fund these people and then turn our backs on them. Americans seem to forget about the rest of the world at 8 o�clock when their favorite television show is on, or when the football game is on. Anyway, I have no place talking politics or what�s going on, as it�s over at this point. I haven�t really paid attention the past couple of days. I guess we wait until we bomb the shit out of these people, and then we can have more rallies and celebrations.

I got more music this weekend, I�m still unsatisfied. What the fuck is up when nothing good comes out anymore? Even the new Dylan I talked about the other day still hasn�t hit me. I guess if he had just left that first song off of the album, it would work better. It still hasn�t earned the five star rating Rolling Stone gave it. I get these metal records, or punk rock, or indie rock records and the shit is so fucking boring now. People are just being handed mediocre records and eating the shit up like candy. I got the Bjork record and heard two songs and shut it off immediately. Well, because something good came on the television, it sounded okay though. I quite like the single anyway. I heard that Tom Waits is doing another record, not sure if this is just bullshit or what. I look forward to that as well as: the Phish live CD series that is released this Tuesday, the Who Live at Leeds Special Edition. I love this series. I already have the Blind Faith, Bob Marley � Catch a Fire, and Alice Cooper Billion Dollar Babies ones. I ordered the Rick James one that is coming out in two weeks as well. The only one I am avoiding so far is the Peter Frampton Comes Alive one. I didn�t think it was really necessary, even though he is a good guitar player. I witnessed a close friend get a Hall and Oates CD, as well as a Sarah McLachlan CD. Imagine being in that position? I wonder how far a career in pottery is for that guy. It�s strange to think how some stuff just doesn�t sound right to others. Aside from being a proud �music snob�, I also have a little place inside for some shitty music, as some people may deem it, from time to time.

Angela and I saw the Jay and Silent Bob movie tonight. It was okay I guess. It was far better than Dogma, which was just a little too much useless talking for me. The movie was good for a little while, but eventually just got stupid near the end. Plus, putting a disclaimer at the beginning was a cop out to me. Anyway, the Jay and Silent Bob one was a good laugh for the money I guess. I didn�t expect it to be Annie Hall or anything, but it had its moments.

I have insomnia tonight. I think because I have Tom Waits on. He makes me want to go to sleep, and not go to sleep at the same time. I need a late night job. I can�t get up in the morning. I have this desire to work every day, yet I can�t go to sleep early. I can�t get to sleep before 1 am.

I want to kill people. I want to kill all the motherfucking people that complain and whine that life sucks. What�s with these people. If I hear one more person say �my life sucks�, I am going to cut their feet off and then we�ll see how bad their life sucks. Nobody I know right now has any reason to complain that their life sucks. None of my friends have been inside of a building that a plane crashed into and evaporated them. They all have all of their limbs. They all have friends. They mostly have jobs and homes, yet their lives suck for some reason. No women. Too many women. Women that are mean to them. Women who disrespect them. There�s no reason to let a woman, or a man let you believe that life sucks. There�s no reason to let the fact that there are no women around allow someone to say life sucks. There�s 8 million other things to look forward to every day. Oxygen. Food. Photographs of naked little boys tied up in leather. All that good stuff. Throw the fucking Cure records out and buy some Iggy Pop records and get on with it already.

We went to the hippie show last night. As great as the music was last night, the heat killed us, and the large amount of people made it uncomfortable for me. I am most likely going to just stop going to big shows all together now. �High profile� concerts seem more of an inconvenience at this point. I hate touching people, and I hate when people touch me, so to have to maneuver through a crowd of people, I get dizzy. There�s no bands I really want to see that are coming around right now anyway. I guess I�ll go see Dylan in November, and continue to go to the Lizard Lounge every other Thursday, but I just feel like I am having an unpleasant experience every time I go to a gig nowadays. Even the club shows. I just start lingering away. Imagine going to see a band like Low? That would make me want to shoot up a school or something, or fall asleep. A bunch of fucking assholes with those glasses and dumb looking sweaters and shit acting all hip. A bunch of motherfuckers that just wasted twenty bucks to be put to sleep, or be put in a melancholy mood. If I want melancholy music, I�ll listen to �round midnight by Miles, not a bunch of art fags. Who cares about your discovery of minor chords? I certainly don�t. Imagine going to see a Bjork show. Imagine what the crowd would be like there. Now imagine what the feeling of a brand new Glock 9mm handgun would feel like in your hand if you were standing across the street from a Bjork concert. Imagine what a Sarah McLachlan concert would be like. Imagine that shit. Now imagine what it would be like to sharpen a 26-inch broad sword. Imagine what a Britney Spears concert would be like. Now imagine holding a copy of the May 2001 issue of Barely Legal in one hand, and your hard swollen member in the other. Imagine what a rave would be like. Imagine what it would be like to carry an ice pick dipped in ammonia around with you. Imagine what a fucking loser you are because of the shitty music you listen to. Imagine what it would be like to have a fucking clue.

It�s been relatively nice out lately. I like this time of year, it�s a little cooler out. The bugs are all dying, and people are thankfully staying in their fucking houses for once. The sun has been shining. It�s quite a strange feeling to have all of this sunlight, and all of this negativity in the same space. Nobody is really noticing how great it is outside. People wallowing in their own piss and shit, and misery of the world around them. Nobody is paying any attention to how great it is to be alive. Take a moment to remember the folks who died senselessly last week, and then take a moment to remember how good your life is. Aside from your absolutely shitty taste in everything you do, you are alive after all. Fuck you.

before & after