Oh Joy!
2001-08-18 || the origin of Art Garfunkel, (How to fumigate a hotel room in two easy steps)
Soundtrack � Bud Powell � Time Waits

�In the western halls of gold

When thou sittest in thy state,

Bards, that erst sublimely told

Heroic deeds, and sung of fate,

With fervour seize their adamantine lyres,

Whose chords are solid rays, and twinkle radiant fires.�

-John Keats

I took one good long look at the rug of the hotel lobby, and realized I would be in for, at the very least, an interesting stay.


she broke my concentration

�your room is around the back, 113. Enjoy your stay.�

�Thanks� I replied and walked out into the thick pea soup air.

August was a hot month for North Carolina. I had already withstood a week of this nasty hot weather, but today was extra brutal. I walked by the pool on the way to my room and noticed an old pale man sitting by the pool. We both made eye contact, and then broke when a young boy jumped into the pool screaming something unintelligible.

The smell of a new motel room is always nice, like a new car. After the stale ashtray of my cars interior, any new smell is always greeted with a pleasant sigh. One time, I was in Pittsburgh, or rather, outside of Pittsburgh. My reservation should have been changed weeks before, but I didn�t, so I stayed in some small blue collar town with all kinds of factories and Ford trucks, and men with moustaches, and white people with nice SUV�s and black people with dirty sidewalks, and fast food restaurants filled with acne covered Puerto Rican boys. This was the epitome of traveling to me. The people who lived in these towns I passed through. The people that live and breathe the towns always make me feel unwelcome. �People watching� is a favorite way to pass time when I have time between travel days. So I�m in this outskirt of Pittsburgh and I show up at this run down motel that is in between a Kentucky Fried Chicken, a McDonalds, and about nine other businesses recognizable from ten miles away(who can�t spot a Dunkin Donuts sign from three miles away?). I get the key to my room. Before I even open the door, I am greeted with an odor that makes me practically gag. It�s the smell of a room that apparently had someone smoke maybe a carton of cigarettes (in a row) in a room with an air conditioner blasting (with a dirty filter). Not wanting to deal with this for more than five more minutes I did what any smart traveler would do, I fumigated the room with steam. This was a trick I learned�that day. �Improvisational fumigation� . I turned the shower, as well as the sink on full blast and turned the heat all the way up on both of them. The steam started pouring out of the bathroom swiftly. First little puffs of steam here and there, until eventually I had the Iron Maiden stage set (during the pre Bruce Dickinson era, Killers [Paul D�ianno, vocals] tour of course. As later tours seemed to have specific themes, like the Egyptian/Graveyard mood on the Powerslave tour, or the Blade Runneresque Somewhere In Time tour {which was the tour I saw them on with Mark �I am going to wear my denim jacket and Judas Priest shirt for my yearbook photo, and quote the quote from the back of the underrated follow up to Screaming For Vengeance, Defenders of the Faith album in the yearbook and have a picture of me inside the yearbook of me fingertapping a Gibson Explorer with a spider web design in front of a bunch of cheerleaders, deeming me the winner of the �best candid photo in a yearbook�ever� award� Badolato}). The room started to get unbearably hot, so I opened the door, with a good weeks worth of facial hair, and an ironic cigarette dangling out of my mouth to discover a family loading into the room next to me. I (obviously) made eye contact and said hello to the young daughter, and then to the father, as what must have looked like a scene from a Fellini film took place behind me, and eventually around me. Smoke and steam can have a cool effect sometimes. If used in an original manner such as greeting a family from Connecticut in the midst of trying to fumigate your room from the smell of cigarette smoke (while smoking), one feels like a character. The smell did eventually go away, and the daughter never came by to visit me like I thought she would. I must have thought I was in the alternate universe of �the world that exists in pornographic movies�, where one assumes that because a human being has a vagina, they obviously want a human being with a penis to stick it inside of said vagina while saying things like �all right�, and �that feels so fucking good�. This world does not exist, as if it did, there would be less miserable people in the world. How much better would things be if you were a woman and you got pulled over in your car, and when the policeman said �do you know how fast you were going?� the woman could reply �No, but do you know how wet my pussy is right now?�. Wait, that could happen, bad example. Okay, how great would it be if you were a guy and you went into a park and you all of a sudden stumbled upon a woman masturbating in the bushes and she invited you over where you said something like �mind if I join in? I have a rock hard cock that�s absolutely starving�. Well, as it stands now, rarely do you stumble upon women masturbating in public, and if you do they usually have nappy dreadlocks and smell like week old bologna. Pamela Anderson isn�t in the bushes waiting for any guy to come by and give her a good shagging. If she is though, I�m sure it will be released on video at some point in the next ten years. Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock getting it on in the bushes. That guy can�t be bigger than Tommy Lee. That man has some sort of tree trunk between his legs. It should be illegal. There should be a law where women should automatically have to tell you if they dated Tommy Lee before so you can quit while you�re ahead. �Oh, you were with the guy with three legs? You probably don�t want the guy with two legs and a finger puppet then, I�ll be leaving now�.

I rested easy that night, as the stench was gone, and in a day or two, Pittsburgh would be a dim memory for me.

Back to North Carolina.

I get to my room and it smells wonderful.

�That new car smell!� I think to myself.

I throw the television on as usual, and go outside to get the rest of my stuff. A suitcase full of clothes, clean and dirty, a messenger bag filled with notebooks and journals filled with bad art, and worse memories, three CD cases filled with a total of 500 CD�s, and my trusty boom box. I can�t sleep in the dead silence, as my ears ring all the time and it keeps me awake, so I lull myself to sleep with anything from Miles Davis to Black Sabbath. Heavy metal is easy to go to sleep to actually. I set up the boom box and throw in the Duke Ellington trio CD (definitely one of the best things the Duke ever did in my humble opinion. With Mingus and Roach rounding out the rhythm section, how can you get a better trio than that?) and immediately skipped to Caravan (track 8, which when one looks at the history of Track 8�s from tons of releases, you�ll see the attraction to this sacred home in album sequencing history, check it out: Bowie�s Man Who Sold the World makes the listener sit through seven tracks before getting to the title track, Van Morrison gives us the beautiful When That Evening Sun Goes Down eight tracks in on Tupelo Honey, the Beach Boys Pet Sounds boasts the greatest song they did in God Only Knows eight tracks in, my favorite track on the brilliant Stones Exile on Main Street, Sweet Black Angel is guess what, track eight. Even the Beatles knew what they were doing when they put the creepy Happiness is a Warm Gun 8 tracks in on the White Album. The Smashing Pumpkins Gish offers the listener Tristessa at number eight, T-Rex gives us Telegram Sam eight tracks into The Slider, and the Sugarcubes give us their best [also most obnoxious] song, deus on Life�s too Good. This is obviously not an accident. Track 8 will be revered for years to come as the key spot to hook the listener and make a classic record just that, a classic record. One example of this not happening is on the seminal Replacements record Let it Be, where the weakest track on the record Seen Your Video is erroneously given the coveted track 8 spot. The albums best song actually opens the record as I Will Dare, or arguably opens �side two� with My Favorite Thing. There are good arguments for both songs. I Will dare boasts the best pop hook in the history of guitar playing this side of You Really Got Me, where My Favorite Thing presumably filled thousands of mix-tapes throughout the eighties. Both are great songs regardless.) , one of my favorite songs of all time, made most famous by Dizzy Gillespie. I turned the volume down on the television set and started to fade off.

I dreamt of this big mountain I was driving on. It felt like I was driving for hours as my eyeballs felt like dry golf balls whatever that means. I was hot in the car as I drove down this huge mountain, and it surrounded me. There was mist and fog along the sides of the mountain that made it impossible to see how high up I was. My ears were filled with hot air. I felt all of this vividly in this dream. Perhaps it was the actual long hours I had been driving in reality, mixed with a steady diet of caffeine, nicotine, and THC I was living on for days that made me have such rich, alive dreams. So I�m on this thing driving not really knowing where I�m supposed to be going in the dream. Just following everyone else for the most part. Everyone is going just fast enough to make it uncomforting, and unsafe. I feel like I am going to drive off the mountain. In the dream I am with someone else, they sit in the back seat, each time I look in the rear view mirror to see them they turn their head away so I can�t see their face. They sometimes obscure their face without turning their head confusing me even more, as I try to concentrate on gravity and speed at the same time. I picture the car driving off of the side of the mountain into the woods. Traveling at speeds well over one hundred miles an hour, this is a very real vision within a dream. I picture the car tumbling violently over jagged rocks and tree branches breaking, and the contents of my car being thrown around like balls in one of those bingo things. I picture myself landing though, and walking away from the car. Nobody is in the back seat. A bunch of broken picture frames and empty coffee cups litter the area in and around the car. I manage to get the crushed trunk open with the help of a piece of the bumper (?) and retrieve my most coveted possession, the boom box, and the CD�s. I start walking through the barren woods, knowing well I can�t climb back up the valley and make it to the highway above. I go through the CD�s and find Simon and Garfunkel � Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme and put it in the boom box and begin my descent into the woods.

I awaken to what sounds like someone hammering nails into a giant aluminum silo. I look out the window, and the father from the family is actually packing things into his car. I can�t figure out what he was doing to make such a racket, but I keep investigating. Pretty soon the mother, followed by the daughter come out of the room and start talking to the father. What looks like an argument turns into a kiss on the cheek from both women as they leave the parking lot and walk towards the gas station across the street.

The family is an odd thing. I can�t really imagine what kind of things go with being a family person. Here I am traveling around the country in my car to amuse myself. I have a ton of money to just waste on nothing but rare blues records and cigarettes, and this guy probably has an agenda each day. �Today we need to leave the hotel room at seven in the morning so we can make our way to Hershey Park by noon. At ten o�clock this evening we will go to dinner at this restaurant I found in the travel book. This is what will go down. This is how my family will spend their vacation� Me, I�m showing up in these towns and cities and grabbing the yellow pages and looking for used record stores, book stores, and women to look at along the way.

I close the drapes in the room and walk over to the boom box, The Ellington CD probably stopped playing 7 hours ago. I press the play button and crawl back into my seven thirty in the morning bed hoping to hit the town later in the day. Wondering how I fell asleep in North Carolina and woke up back in Pittsburgh.

before & after