I have a burn on my thumb now, great. So I had these messages telling me to be happy and all of that fun stuff. I believe I am pretty happy right now, especially today with that snow, I�m one of the people that like snow. I shopped and everything though. I feel better. You watch this space for more information than you would ever need to have. Fuck, the eyes are not the windows to the soul, the little things they say. Those are the windows I look in anyway. Why is it I always see films with a black man in prison. They still have to keep them down, why? I made my way to the counter and did a little better this time, you get more confidence when you are with someone. Yeah, I have friends, you have friends? I almost ran her over on the staircase today at work. She was waiting to come down, and upon seeing her I said �excuse me, sorry� and ran up the stairs so she wouldn�t have to sit and wait for me. She said �it�s okay� in a voice I had never heard before, and most likely won�t ever again. A glimpse of what it feels like to lay in bed and have her feed me chicken soup perhaps? I am not confused I swear to holy God. I did end up spending more money on myself though. So much money, well not really. You see, I really dig this girl, and I�ve been involved in this, what seems like, never ending �courtship� thing with her. I wonder what the hell is going on all the time. Some days I�m fine with this. I really truly just want to take care of her, and be there for her, and give her everything I got. Unfortunately, the clock is now ticking. Look at me the past week and a half. Yes indeed, the clock is ticking. I could spend the 35 bucks and go downtown and get a hooker, or I could call one of the random random ones. I don�t want that though. I want her and that�s all. Why is it like this for me, still? I remember how I was. Tonight I saw the one my friend used for sex a while back. I feel stupid when I see her. I know she knows I know what she did. I know she knows I would laugh at her. I still would have at least called her again. Anyway, look at it outside, cold as fuck. I got this new jacket.

Okay, top ten influential spices of the year 2000:

Dill

Cumin

Cinnamon

Ginger

Vanilla

Basil

Rosemary

Thyme

Red Pepper

Fennel

I read this today

I�ve had a good relationship with heather and stefanie again. It was a little while for them. I got that mouth that drips too much sometimes. I never hurt people with glasses on though. I feel clean. Much cleaner now, watch:

--------------------------------Iced Cold Water----------------------------Iced Cold Water, told you------------------

I never would have noticed if someone I don�t have much value in told me about her. I recognize what has happened now. Watch:

--------------------------------Lettuce, Carrots----------------------------Lettuce, Carrots, told you-------------------

It makes sense to me, I swear, don�t bother though. I think I can remember what summer feels like. A whole bunch healthier though. I mean you don�t fall down in the summer. You are alive. I love dying in the heat for a minute or two. The outdoor parties. I can�t believe they will be gone soon. I will make sure I see them off before they go. It will be good for the both of them to get out of Salem. They saw me off when I went. Did you went? A guy at work today asked me if I �Went�. Never would have guessed, he�s young and looks like girls would think he�s cute. Fuck him and his eyes. Fuck him making me feel like it like I feel like it you know?

I quit lying for Christmas last week.

I started telling better stories for my New Year�s Resolution.

We fucked, and then I went home. We talked about it weeks later, and I froze like a popsicle. I didn�t want the hassle. My karma always shows up when best left in the closet for the spring time. Fuck in the spring. I don�t ever want to know who is fucking who. I lie. I won�t ever tell again. I don�t want to know who and when she fucked. I don�t want to fuck ever again. I hate fucking. I fucked. I don�t ever want to fuck ever again. Fuck fucking.

The car acts as a refrigerator, and I end up acting like a big bottle of milk, hard to see through. Where I grew up we didn�t tell secrets. It was all kept inside. Nowadays, I am the best gossip columnist on the staff. I stopped for New Year�s Eve though. You saw it happen, right her. Live on network television. It was like when they jumped over the Empire State building, which is not in Albany, with a giant gorilla, and an airplane (this blonde woman screaming �help me! help me!�). I learned how to spell �Gigantic� last week, finally. Now I know all of them.

Because I give my name out, and fill cards out, and yell and scream at blonde women, doesn�t mean I need any more guitar lessons. I swear, one more person puts a pair of handcuffs on my fingers, gets it.

For the lady, we have a diamond encrusted muzzle, with pink leather.

I never seek revenge. It all comes around to them in the end, or sometime around the middle. I am in the midst of a series of paybacks from years and years ago. I wish I could explain it all here in fifteen minutes, it�s not that I did anything bad. It�s how I used to think. I know it, I thought wrong. I feel it again from time to time, and get scared, but what the hell, It�s the way shit is. Why changes?

It�s funny to see them play. The men are held back by women. Weak women, with motives up the ass. The men, they actually listen to the women telling them the way it is. How sad it is to see a man get thrown into a jail cell for the remainder of their life. I�ve seen many of these men, years before. They never change, once you become too dependent on women, or best friends, whatever, you lose any self you may have had. Good, true love should not be like this. It�s not the same thing. Counting on someone day to day to make you smile, that�s nice. But you need to make yourself smile when they aren�t around. Most of the time with me, they�re not around. I�ve learned through the years how to operate by myself. I work much better. There have been the amazing women in my life like Tara, but for the most part, I have much more to offer myself, than anyone else can. We all do. Don�t kid yourself. Sell out, and you are well on your way. Don�t say I didn�t warn you. They all play games, trust me. The boys, the girls. The other ones, they will step on the back of your neck to get to a woman. They will step on your toes. I don�t hate women, I love the company of women much better than men, I just get lost here now. Look, I don�t need to go over this again.

I have the guitar strings that are rusty now. I have the voice that is sweet now, as I never use it anymore. I tested it today. I know all the words to all of our songs still. I know the chords. We don�t use any traditional chords. I�ve invented all of the chords we have been using now. This is why shy boys like me turn their backs to the crowd on stage and stare at our feet. This is why shy boys like me never say anything worthwhile in the microphone. Don�t make a fool of yourself kid, once you go in over your head, you�re bound to drown. Who said anything about that? I was just saying. An FYI, if you will.

I need to sleep to get myself ready for new outfits at work. I get to see her tomorrow if she�s feeling well, although I told her I would take care of her regardless. I�m a sucker, no? I don�t know, it�s in my blood and soul to treat women with a lot of respect, and the ones I dig a whole lot, even more than that. It�s too bad they all wear ear plugs around me though.

before & after