I�ve never been able to sleep on Sunday evenings. I always need to stay up. I haven�t had a �weekend� in about ten years, as I�ve always worked six days a week as long as I can remember. Saturday, Tuesday, what�s the difference? I don�t need any sleep nowadays, I�m so used to this way of doing things that I can�t imagine what it would be like to lead a �normal� life. I do know one thing though, I can�t imagine doing it how most do it though. But I�m not going to sit here and go off on weaklings again, it�s getting old, as they are. This is where I am now I guess. It changes every month nowadays. Not seeing any of the people I used to see all the time anymore. This is good and bad. I guess I miss how it was when everyone was a big happy family, and as far as I know, perhaps they are. But like it happened when I was younger, the closer friends got to alcohol, bars and all of that garbage, the further away I got. I tend to distance myself from crowds at any cost. I can�t really say I enjoy going to shows for that reason, as well as most bands are just boring live, regardless of how great they might be on record. I refuse to subject myself to crowds of people anymore. Whenever the threat of that comes up I need to either disagree, or just not show up, or leave immediately. I can�t really believe I acted for as long as I did. Acted interested. Acted like I was having a good time. How dishonest can a boy be? Give me the company of one or two interesting people, the rest can go fuck themselves, I have no time anymore to just waste the evening away. So instead I sit here and write bad words about people and then go to bed. I could do this forever man. I could go on and on about how stupid most people are, and how most people are sheep, doing just what society wants them to do. Buy into this dream. Birth, school, work, death. Remember that song? Heh. No more fucking around though. No more listening to the garbage and false rumors. The words are all jumbled up now. I can�t name names anymore, as it upsets people, and causes turmoil. Being vague is a better way to go. Nobody is going to understand. Let the, go on and on about how right they are, and how great of a time they are having and blah blah blah. We all know the truth. You reading this, you know where I�m coming from right? No? Well let me explain then I guess�Everyone lies. I lie. Everyone puts on this mask. I put these masks on. Halloween 24 hours a day. I can�t help this. I can�t help continuing on with this feeling. I can�t help going on about him and her and us and them. They bring me down, watching their intelligence and decision making go out the window the long way. Out the door instead. Let�s say that I don�t agree with a word one person says to me ever. Let�s just say I don�t want to give out any more information. There is a small handful of people that I need to talk to and see from time to time. There�s a small handful of people I need to get that comfort from. Unfortunately, that number of people dwindles away every day. It goes up and down from day to day. None of the people I knew a year ago call me anymore, this is great. Let me tell you how great this is. So great that, I now have more room in my head, as I have less to talk about. The winter makes me just want to fucking�it just makes me want to get so far away and not deal with anyone. A new place to hang your head in shame around the fireplace. A new place to put your cock on the table for measurements and disease checkups. A bunch of immoral fucking twenty something sitting around a table talking about how funny the Simpsons are, and how cool it is to be �free�. Spare me the details and bring me the head of the next cute boy with a ten incher in his jeans. They lie. All fucking ten of them lie. All those bitches that let me down before lie to me. They get away from me, and I need to capture them and punish them with useless conversations. I don�t have to explain anything. I don�t have to go for the ride. I don�t have to feel like doing any of that. Again, nobody likes the way I do things, so they ignore me. Invite me to parties and raves and concerts full of typical bullshit. Who can face people like that every day? Who can keep up with all of that day to day? It seems so foreign to me to even want to do any of the things my friend want to do. Unless I find someone who sees thing even remotely like I do soon. I will surely die a lonely man in the woods. I�ll take them all out for dinner on my birthday. The best birthday gift I could get this year would be for someone to call and ask what I want to do. Nothing. I just want to do nothing. There�s no need to celebrate any of this. Let them celebrate their lives and how exciting and fast paced everything is, me, just come by and say hello once. Just once in a lifetime call and say hello. I don�t want to meet you in the parking lot of Joe�s meat shop. I don�t want to see you and 35 guys with pierced nipples and girls with brains of jelly. They are all stupid. Every single woman I�ve ever met in a bar has had the brain of a fucking dog, or better yet a fucking sheep. They follow these same rules that they make up along the way. �Girls love when guys do that� in a sarcastic tone. The real girl isn�t going to even know who Tori Amos is. The real one is not going to have a longer history than Seka. They aren�t interesting with their new hair color, and their opinions on world issues. It�s all candy and coal. It�s a load of shit to ruin the next man. It�s the same with the guys too. It�s sort of funny in a way watching how dumb guys are out there, and how women eat it up. They eat up these dickhead men. �You are too much of a nice guy for me to get involved with� I heard that recently. Ha. Test me, come on, I can treat you like a fucking dog if you really want. I can treat you like a puddle on the ground if that�s what you really want. I can be cock number 22. Just tell me what it is you want. Don�t you see when you�re being fooled? Can�t you smell it from here. I thought your intuition was supposed to be better than mine. I thought you held some sort of place in my heart. For about fifteen minutes I thought this. I get thrown out and made more bitter again. I hear the stories now and need to cringe. Pillage the village. I want to drop a fucking bomb on downtown Salem this weekend. I want to find Jessica again. I haven�t had the taste of lipstick in a while. I saw her a couple more times about a month ago, and again, it�s just funny how fucked up she is. It�s funny how I can just say her name here and not worry. She knows nothing about me now. I just straight out lied to her about where I�m at now, and what did I get for it. Well, a night of complete silliness in my eyes in retrospect. I can�t act anymore though. Bad for your health they say. Karma. I have bad karma apparently. Well, I know I do from certain things I�ve done. It hasn�t come back to me though. What, did it make me this bitter cynical asshole? Apparently so, as it stands now, I could not give two shits about one fucking person in this world right now but myself. I enjoy hurting people feelings, I�ve taken enough now thanks�Fuck em if they can�t take a joke. I need another vacation. Anyone who would actually take me seriously would have to be a bullshit artist such as myself. Pay attention now, and watch closely.

The weekend was good, I spent time with some good friends, and the weather was nice, a little chilly tonight though.

before & after