So I have 5 Rush CD�s on random in the changer right now. I used to be a huge fan when I was a younger chap. I still like them, and dig these remastered reissues that came out a couple years back. Especially good is the inclusion of Beneath, Between, Behind which was absent on the earlier versions of Exit Stage Left (at least I think that�s the song�or is it Broons Bane. Anyway, I like most of the eras of Rush, but this one holds a special place for me. I saw the band for the first time on the Signals tour, when they played Bytor and the Snowdog. I saw them a few more times. One of the best times was a few years back on the 2 set, Test For Echo tour. 2112! Okay, I�ll never have sex again if I keep talking about Rush. There are two types of people in the world, people who like Rush, and people who have sex.

So I got a picture in the mail from Sarah today from when she visited over the summer. It�s a picture of me in my room, and I must say I actually look good. I hate when the majority of photos of yourself suck. This one I�m happy with though. I have no idea how to put photos in here, so I can�t really show anyone. I�ll put it on the cover of my bands album instead I guess. Heh

Today was a long day off. I just couldn�t make it in to work, stayed home, went to lunch with my brother, where the attractive waitress kept calling us �boys� Then to the coffee shop; Annu was working and we chatted and I started reading The Man With The Golden Arm, and Matt came in. I haven�t seen Matt in a bit. He�s one of my best friends here, and he just started working with autistic kids recently, hanging with a new girl, and playing in a band, so I never see him. We did some shopping. My third consecutive day in a Newbury Comics�I only bought two CD�s. I can�t go in there without spending a little bit of money. Stevie Wonder � Songs In The Key Of Life, and a Lee Perry CD for those keeping track. Saw Nicole working in there. I like her, she�s a real cool girl. Down to earth, good taste in music, cute, all of those things. I talked to her for a little while, and made it to practice later in the evening which was okay. We jammed for 25 minutes on one of our old songs that we haven�t played in months. It�s getting really good in the improvisation aspect of things with the band right now. I now have a stomach ache thanks to the crackers I just ate.

I need to make decisions that I can live with. I need to start thinking and moving quicker than I have in the past. I need to figure out what the hell it is I am doing here. The road goes by quickly. Do I really want to move out of state, to the midwest like I�ve been thinking about? Do I want to quit my job and find something else? I have a lot of things I want to do. I think this year is the last year of slacking. It�s been a long time since I�ve done anything remotely drastic. I want to get married and move to Nashville and drink beer and listen to country music. I want to leave this behind. Not this, this place. I want the winter to make decisions for me this year. I want it to push me away from everyone so I don�t have to use knives and swords to cut anything loose. I�d much rather have the hammer or the pulley. The knife and sword should only be used under circumstances that you can�t handle. Is there a ghetto I can avoid in Nashville? I hope so. I can�t live where I stayed this past summer. I look in brochures and just automatically think it�s going to be fine. It�s Nashville, everyone there has cowboy hats and smiles 24 hours a day. My Motel 6 had a Hooters in the parking lot, a strip club, and Waffle House. Tits, pancakes, and ummm more tits. I ate at the Hooters the first day I got there. The food was horrible. The waitress, despite the makeup, and outfit was really pretty, and friendly. Being on the road by myself for so long at that point I was a minute away from telling her to give me a tour of Nashville when she got out of work, and then a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night. Instead I think I walked back to the hotel, watched this Carrot Top movie, and got stoned�Or rather, got stoned and then watched a Carrot Top movie. I never laughed so hard in my entire life. You gotta love the madcap zaniness. I miss the vacation. I miss exploring these new foreign cities driving by myself looking at people and buildings and wondering why I have to stay in one place. I have way too much shit that�s why. I really did love that city though. I practically did nothing for four days, but there was something relaxing about the whole thing. Becca should have came to visit me though. I would not have been irritated at her talking fast and such, I would have thought it was cute, no doubt about it. It�s funny when you talk to people when you�re by yourself after days at a time. You almost want to tell them your whole life story. The most talking I did on that trip was to Stephanie and Heather actually. Calling them, them calling me from time to time. Certain nights wanting closure and wanting someone to talk me to sleep with familiar voice. They were both a big help, ironically enough. I am looking forward to next summer. I won�t have to be anywhere at any specific times, and I won�t have any deadlines to meet. Nomad. You need it from time to time. As depressing as it always gets, every time there comes that point of �where the fuck am I?� �What the fuck am I doing?� There�s times when you can�t speak. There�s times when you just talk to yourself constantly. The ride from Maryland to Knoxville seemed like it took two days of driving time away from me. It felt like a million years of sheer boredom. The phone rang not once�actually it did, there was a cop behind me though. I had just entered Tennessee on this long highway that was real dark and dirty looking. Real long. It felt like purgatory. I think I was stoned and the phone was ringing, but I thought I would get pulled over talking on the phone in the car so I let it go. No emergency phone calls or anything. Long open sunny roads. Long ride through the Blue Ridge mountain parkway that killed that day, or at least a few hours of it. I need to do it once more though. Well, I NEED to do it a million more times. But I definitely need to do it once more next year. Perhaps on the way out, and the way in. I need to push myself off of the cliff soon. I need to stick to this life. I need to stick to what is in my head right now. I need to stick to the plan I have. I need to really mover myself out of this. Once your gone, you can�t go back. When you�re out of the blue, and into the black.

Those fucking big eyes, and that fucking body. Fuck man. The voice. The questions. Everything about you is perfect what the fuck do I think I have to lose. Everything is clear. Everything seems obvious. You can�t be real. It�s too much like it was before. I bet it�s the same to kiss you. I bet it feels the same as kissing her. You remind me of her, and that scares the fuck out of me. You remind me a lot of the girl that made me feel perfect and then broke my heart. You remind me of that. Mick Jagger on vinyl. Making out in the car, in your apartment. Chewed up fingers and shit brown eyes. Don�t lie to me. Don�t you ever fucking lie to me.

before & after