Oh Joy!
2000-09-21 || throw the mother fucker down the stair case
Soundtrack � Kim Gordon/DJ Olive/Ikue Mori � Perspectives Musicales (SYR5)

This CD is the fifth in a series of experimental CD�s that Sonic Youth has released over the past couple of years now. It�s basically stuff they couldn�t release on the major label, so they have been putting these CD�s out. This one just came out, and is pretty cool so far�

So I apparently am just not good anymore. I have no tact. I have no real rhyme or reason with anything I do. I have no idea how to treat people. I have no idea how to approach people with issues, I don�t know how to have friends, is that what it is? I guess it is. Well, either way I do the same thing everyday, and I am not doing anything correct. Well, a couple of things. For the most part though, I am not a good person. I am the judge. I am the asshole. I know this; I have always known this. It�s not news to me anyway. I feel like I am in a completely new place. Tonight was strange. I didn�t talk to anyone �old� tonight. I was with people I don�t normally see. I saw Angela for a little while, and then Breaux and some of his friends who are more or less�normal I guess. Stephanie said on the phone today she is distancing herself, or moving away or something to that affect. I have been doing the same exact thing for a while now, for the same exact reasons though. Ha, nobody would realize what the hell that means, but I generally feel the same way. I don�t really think people are talking about me behind my back and that kind of thing, I just feel no loyalty really. That was her issue. People talking about me behind my back, I could give a shit less. I haven�t really any trust in many people anyway, so why would I even let that bother me. At 30, the last thing I could give a shit about is if people were talking about me behind my back. I can handle that. What I really, really can�t handle is regression, conflict, confrontation, and disagreement. I can�t deal with things when everyone doesn�t agree them upon. I can�t take sides. I realized since this contract thing at work started, I keep thinking in terms of �change�, and �trading this for that�, and having things taken away, or given to me. It�s weird, because I bring it home into my life. Everyone knows this isn�t good. I can�t handle when I disagree with someone or something and can�t really say anything because it�s not �appropriate�. I get films made inside my head that don�t win any awards for �documentary-nonfiction�. Fantasies and images that I make up, or at least try to make up so I can have something to worry about. I worry about people before I even know if something is wrong. I worry about people before I even realize what�s going on. I see things differently than people. I think people are different than when I was growing up. Younger people today are much more liberal and�I would use the expression �open-minded�, but it wouldn�t be appropriate in this situation, as it�s quite the opposite of open minded, or different. I find the same tired cliches in people all the time. Sheep. Addictions. Attractions. Fulfillment. Ideas. All shit that I don�t agree with or want to adapt to. I shouldn�t have to. People should be different, they should be allowed to judge each other if it feels beneficial to the person they are judging. Nobody truly knows what�s right for anyone else, and nobody knows anyone better than themselves. Certainly I don�t anyway. I don�t like to give anything away. But I hate to see things the way I have seen them over and over and over and over. It�s the same old games, the same old people with different names and different faces. I don�t know, I feel like an asshole in a way for how I�ve said things about Stephanie from time to time. It�s too big of a situation that I got myself into with her, her roommate, and just how I am towards people and relationships. I know how I am, I know exactly how I am, and know when I�m wrong, I don�t like to admit it, but what the hell. I�m human. I just�again, don�t want to see certain things I see as regressive. Jealousy is the furthest fucking feeling inside me right now though.

So I had this dream last night, I was walking through this series of buildings, this complex if you will. It started with me walking up a balcony in some sort of theatre. A real steep balcony, with soft lights on the stairs, and red velvet at the top, glowing from another series of 4 or 5 lamps of soft light. It was elegant, but dirty at the same time. Contradicting the red velvet on the walls was a dirty, grimy, sticky cement floor. Old dried up soda, and chocolate covered raisins. Cigarette butts, and dank beer smell. There was a group of people sitting in one of the aisles. 5 or 6 people that looked familiar. No faces whatsoever, but they looked real familiar. As I passed them, they started blurting my name out. Right at this moment, I was all of a sudden with a girl with no face, no personality, nothing, just �a girl�. We were rushing by them, and I seemed to feel particularly embarrassed by the whole situation for some reason. We made our way out into this courtyard type are that was real European looking. Lot�s of real old buildings with amazing stones, and windows and doors. The doors. The fucking doors. No, not Jim Morrison and his motley crew of �Doors� Doors I kept opening. Looking in the rooms and hallways for something. One doorway would open to a wall. Another doorway would open to a long hallway with more doors along the walls inside it. There was one door that held the room I always see in my nightmares. A big room with huge ceilings, and a floor that is basically big rusty beams. Real damp, and dark this room. I always end up in this room. Scaling the walls, trying not to �fall in�. This room is huge, probably 20 yards wide by 30 yards long. I opened this door and shut it immediately. The next door I opened there was a man there. There was a stairway that looked exactly like the one in Heather and Stephanie�s apartment building. Four stories high, old wood banisters. Doorways with apartments you�ll never see. So I open this door, and this tall blonde guy with a Hawaiian shirt on. I pick the guy up by the collar and heave him down the stairs. I run down after him swearing. I throw him down the next stairway. I run down after him, and do it again. I do this until he�s at the bottom, and start kicking him in the stomach over and over. I go back into the courtyard. The alarm clock goes off.

Shit I feel weird right now. Good weird. There are emotions pulling at five different directions. I enjoy talking to Angela a lot. I like her, she is down to earth with me as far as I can tell, and I haven�t felt this comfortable talking to someone in a long while. I mean I haven�t known her for very long whatsoever, but you can tell when something is good. When someone is good. Intuition is a good virtue. Apparently a virtue that didn�t exist until now though. I am in a good mood. I just wish I wasn�t in a bad mood.

Is anything really going to matter in a year from now?

before & after