Oh Joy!
2000-09-22 || first time and last time, wait, first time and...ummm
Soundtrack � The Beatles � Abbey Road

�Well�do you want to go for a ride?� That was one of the first things I said to her. Well, not the first thing I said to her, but the opening to a long ass great friendship. I knew her from around town. She knew some of my friends, she was a million years younger than my friends, and a billion years younger than me. She definitely didn�t act it though. There was something really good about her. Just a straight up cool, well read girl. So she started hanging out with our group of friends. I never really talked to her that much. I ran into her late one night by herself at the coffee shop. We talked for a little, and then I offered taking a ride. We drove around for a long time. We might have even gone up to Gloucester. So began our friendship. Most of the time we would meet late at night and take these long rides and talk about everything. Boys, girls, music, books, movies, life in general. There was even a period where I had a crush on her for a little while. I think I may have even given here a letter or a story or something at one point, and never said anything about it again. I have a habit of doing that I guess : ) The crush didn�t last that long, sort of off and on. I thought of her as my best friend, and felt strange when she would talk about other boys, not jealous, just strange. I knew her as this friend that I talked to and shared all sorts of secrets with. Every once in a while we would get drunk and talk and go to the movies and that kind of thing. The late night �let�s go to Maine right now� or �let�s go to the pharmacy� were an occurrence all the time. Something happened along the way though. I don�t know what, but something happened. Not anything drastic, but recently, I�ve seen this best friend as someone different, someone more mature, older, more independent. Perhaps I miss the old young version. That�s quite ridiculous though, as she is the same fucking person. Just a little taller, and maybe a little more�I don�t know�I have so many fucking issue with myself that I hate admitting, I have so many qualities that just suck. I know this. I have issues with people, and I can�t help but open my mouth when I do. In the heat of the moment, I say things I often don�t mean. I just say them. I need to produce some sort of reaction. On here though, I�m myself. What I would otherwise be thinking I will just say. The downside of this is, people I know in real life will read this. People I care about and love will read this, and it�s bound to get around. Some people think the idea of a �public diary� is sort of ridiculous. An attention getting device. I guess it is in a way. And I think most people are smart enough not to show it to their friends. I would assume if they did, they would be more careful with what they say. But again, in the interest of being honest, as it is indeed my journal I write in the most, I say what ever is on my mind. Regardless of me being filled with rage, or me being filled with love. Passion. Passion in rage is a bad trait I have. I get too vicious. Passion in anything can be dangerous. Too much of it. How stupid of me to even think it�s justified, because it�s �honest� though. It�s way too immature and dumb. People read, real people read this. So when something I apparently wrote in here got to my friend I was just talking about in here, she was pissed off�rightfully so. I don�t deny that. I don�t really remember writing what I was told I wrote, but let�s just say I feel like an idiot if I did indeed write it. I think I remember the circumstances of the whole thing. I�m not going to go into it again, but I just don�t like some people. There are a lot of people I think are completely useless. It�s a bad way to think I know, but there are some folks that just don�t do it for me. When I hear good friends of mine are hanging with them I get pissed off. I should just give them the benefit of the doubt and realize that they are smart enough not to take some of these people seriously. Especially in light of events that lead to this thought process. Jealousy. I don�t really get jealous anymore. I don�t care if people are having a good time and I�m miserable. Without sounding like an asshole, a lot of what most people think of as fun makes me want to go to sleep. I guess I feel away from everything for some reason. This is no reason to put people down though. It�s no reason to get myself into trouble over. The past month or so I have been getting what I feel, is a whole lot better at this. I have been trying not to judge people. Here and there comments slip out. For the most part, it�s sarcasm though. Me being a jerk in a playful way. What an idiotic thing to say. I have no idea why I would ever stoop so low as to talk about such an amazing person in the way I have here and there. I know for a fact, without a doubt, she doesn�t do the same thing. She told me this, and there would be no reason for her to ever lie about that to me. I guess I wanted her to be all mine in a way. Not �all mine�, but I feel like I�ve faded from her, and maybe this is what I do. I say negative things and put her down. She doesn�t deserve any of that, and I want to see her this weekend and talk about this, and tell her that. I almost don�t want to because I always get into these situations where �we have to talk� It�s no fun. I have to clear this up though. I have to apologize, I have to do everything I need to do to make it normal. We talk about how alike we are from time to time, and then I go and do something completely opposite of what she would do. I let her down. I�ve let people down in the past. I�ve never felt as shitty about it as I do right now though.

From out of the blue things happen. From beyond things come out and get me. Good things. Good things show up. I told her today that I was glad I was introduced to her recently. I meant that. I meant that more than anything I think I�ve meant in a while. I don�t have any doubts really. I don�t have doubts about the speed of things. The speed of things should be a snails pace. I talked about running a few weeks ago. Fuck, just a few fucking weeks ago, I was talking about running. I can�t run. I can�t run into anyone. I haven�t done that here. I haven�t been able to. It is just perfect the way it is now. Brand new shine. A brand new thing I haven�t experienced in a long time. It�s a mixture of a million things. It starts in newspapers and news broadcasts, and rumor mills. It continues at dinner parties, and marathon phone calls, and then I arrive here. Tonight, here, a mixture of bliss from her, and a mixture of guilt and depression from what I was just talking about. A strange balance, but it works fine. I can�t imagine dealing with anything right now if I didn�t meet her recently. I can�t imagine where I would be inside from what has recently happened. A bunch of strange ironic things. I am not going to take the cheap way out and say it�s only because of meeting her that everything else isn�t as bad as it is. Nothing is bad. I had a minor road block, and I�m back here again. A little stronger in some respects, and a little weaker in others. They are all on the way to being balanced. The autumn equinox is here to turn green things to tan and orange and brown. Jealousy. No sorry, I don�t have that green feeling here in the autumn. It�s not possible. Those feelings are as old as the hills. Those feelings are not near me�on an island somewhere. I like her smile and how I feel the times I talk on the phone with her. I like how she makes me feel. I haven�t had that feeling in a long time now. I thought I was going to have it a while back, recently rather, and I didn�t. Nothing can be further from what I had. It�s a brand new shine I just said. I say that again. She told me today �did I ever tell you I think you�re really sweet?� That kind of thing makes the day go so much better. When I think of what an asshole I am in other things though, I feel like an idiot. I am going to fix it. I want to fix it. It�s not broken I hope. I hope it�s all just wounded. Everything in me right now is good. Everything around me is good and bad. I want it all to be good though. I can get there. I can get to the top of this. I can get to the bottom of this. I don�t want to be on the bottom of anything anymore. Nobody is below me. Nobody is above me. It�s all the same. We�re all full of shit from time to time I guess. I just need to realize that, and get on with it already. Thanks for listening anyway.

before & after