You put me here, I swear to fucking god you put me here. Listen, let�s try and start from the beginning. Well, no let�s not, you won�t allow that. In fact you won�t allow a word in edge wise here. You won�t let me get you a drink of water to clean your dirty soul out. You won�t allow me to do anything to you at this point. So long to the days of cheerios and stares out the car window. It�s been turned around now. It�s not the same, it�s never going to be the same. I stop. I stop everything, and now I go from town to town checking the mailboxes of housewives and thieves. These girls come up to me with a little display case that has a bunch of wedding rings in it, they tell me to pick one out for them. I pick out the ring, the best one I can see in that little leather case. I hand it to one of the girls and she says to me �this isn�t good enough for me, neither are you� and walks away. Ha! Sound familiar? Not really true but. I can�t picture what the hell you look like. When I see you from time to time you are someone else, regardless of what�s happened on the street and in the swimming pool, you are someone else. Forget your hair, forget your body, forget your clothes, you look at me differently. You don�t look at anyone like you used to. You certainly won�t give me a dime to call a taxi home that�s for sure. I bet at some point I will kick myself for not being more persistent with you. For not writing a book about you, for not taking drives off of canyons for you. I�ll regret that I didn�t take you to the edge of my head with me. I�ll regret that I ever kissed you. I�ll tell you that. I�ll tell you it was the worst night of my life. I am going to tell you that the next time I see you. I�m going to just tell you straight up that kissing you was not on my agenda. I woke up and next thing I know I�m thrown into this world of parties and bad rockabilly music and dumb drinks and even dumber shoes. Either way, I have fun. I have fun with all of these folks I know. These people who come in and out of my life. Whether it�s you, someone I�ve known, someone I don�t know, someone old, someone new it�s all fun to me. I know where I�m going to be at the end of the day. It�s all predictable shit. I try and ignore the things I know that could and would bug me about you or her or her or her or her or her or her or her or her. I can tell when I�m being tricked into something, talked into something. People spread rumors, ask questions, accuse me, accuse you. You have started something and not brought it to the okay committee. I wonder if you know I can sit outside your window for hours and watch you have your fun. Do you know I can do that. I still remember where everything in that room is. I still remember where my feet landed on the floor the first time I got up. I looked at my feet to see if I could stand up. I looked to see if I would fall over. Little boys and cocaine addicts tremble, but you sort of made me tremble. Just a little bit. I get up, I get down and I turn back around again, and poof your gone. Just like that. In a cloud of perfume and menthol cigarette smoke. In a cloud of rum oxygen and conversations. I get lifted certain times of the day. Sometimes you are involved in that, sometimes you�re not, it�s someone else. This fact makes me not really regret that I ever kissed you, it does however make me want to strangle Mick Jagger some nights. It makes me want to throw ashtrays against the wall. It makes me look at guys with pierced tongues and eyebrows and all of that and want to throw a hammer at them.I put these new girls to sleep at midnight. I put you to sleep when I go to sleep. You stay up with me, you out stay me every night. You don't come up for air. Relentlessly plowing through my dreams at night. Making sure I consistently finish all my cigarettes all the way down to the filter every single day. All 35 cigarettes I smoke a day get smoked all the way down because you tell me this is how it�s done. Fuck that I can�t listen to your rules anymore. I can�t buy CD�s that I think are going to help me understand you more. Fourteen bucks to learn how to tell you how much I�d like to fall in love with you. Fuck, I can get that on a Satchmo record. Let�s fall in love, why don�t we fall in love? You fill me up from time to time, yeah. Not all the time. It�s a short and sweet time of the year right now. It�s none of what you thought it was. All along I played with that yo-yo, hoping you would follow it with your eyes enough to become a target. A target for me to throw my issues at. Like the paperboy in the morning. I�ll whip something at your screen door baby. I�ll whip my issues at your door, and you can send whoever is your pet dog at the time to go and get it for you.

I need some new fucking music bad right now. This week I�ve had a steady diet of Led Zeppelin, The Smiths, some jungle/drum and bass/trance music, Phish, Jimmy Smith, Lester Young, Miles Davis, James Brown and the Ramones. I�m getting a couple of box sets that will keep me busy for a few weeks. The new Hendrix one I will probably get this weekend. There�s tons of stuff on there I want to hear. Then there�s the Guided By Voices box set that comes out next week. 100 unreleased songs or something ridiculous like that. I�ve been buying a little more �techno� music lately, or jungle, etc. if you will. Oh and then the new Radiohead.

I need this weekend like nothing else. I have been out way too much lately, I had those shows, and then I�ve been out every night since. Tomorrow night I will go out, I have something good to do actually, which is a little bit nerve racking, and a little bit of a nice feeling. I don�t know how else to explain it but like that. The rest of the weekend should be left to sitting around doing nothing. No parties, no bars. I realize now, I won�t go to a bar no at all. I was sort of used to the ones we went to, and now that they�re closed, I don�t need to go out. All the other ones pretty much suck, people I don�t need to surround myself with and that kind of thing. Same goes for the parties. I don�t need to meet new people. Boring. That�s boring me right now. That whole party and get to know me thing is redundant. That dead horse sure can run though. I have a better time in here. I lifted weights for the first time in a few weeks tonight. That felt good, that felt productive. Where I�m being let down by people left and right, going to a party and meeting more people only seems like regressive behavior to me. I don�t need anyone close to me right now. I�m having a fun time like this. I�ve been like this for months now, and sort of like it. Nobody calls me, they do and I do the thing and talk the talk. I make phone calls for no reason whatsoever. To get a couple more �points� or something like that. To gear myself up for a night with books and keyboards. To get myself psyched up for silence for the night. Silence of voices anyway. Me and the records have such a better time than any person could even think to give me right now. This is the real way for me to go right now. I could bring a passenger from time to time, but this is the fun way right now. Lot�s of laughs and good times, lot�s of ideas for writing material. Drama in real life creates even better drama on paper. You can talk about blondes and vodka until you are blue in the face, but you can talk more about the average girl with the ponytail and the shit brown eyes. Even if it�s nice words. The bad words come out the wrong way. They are taken out of context. They�re not read like a rule book, or a self help guide at all. They are read as malice. Couldn�t be farther from the truth. So my eyes get heavy when I think about what I should do this weekend. Ummm, sir, why don�t you go to sleep. Well, there�s always a new idea to ponder over the weekend. There�s always essays to write, there�s always stories to concoct. There are a million things to do in a couple of hours time. I�m an old man with a match under him. I feel like this is the only time I�ve ever spoken clear about this. I write the same old boring thing in here every single night it seems. I look for the one person searching the personals looking for the completely wrong guy. The guy with the stupid tattoo, and the friend with even dumber ones. Had enough coffee from me? No, okay let�s see what else we have to drink in here. I am here at your disposal. I write the same tired things to you. I have these blurry ass pictures sitting here on the desk, and over on the floor over there. I feel like I should go to sleep and worry about all of this in the morning. It will be a long day tomorrow. If nobody calls me it will be a success in my eyes. If nobody tells me they need to talk to me about something important. If anyone approaches me with anything not approved by the guard, I am throwing them out of the building/car. This is the last stop on the train, sorry. Get off here, and we will pick you up tomorrow.

Today I finally talked to the girl that works in the warehouse. Well, I�ve talked to her before, but she invited me to go have a cigarette with her today, and I went out and talked about things. She actually did the talking�about her life pretty much. Never ask someone where they grew up. She apologized on the way back in though �I just told you my whole life story�I�m sorry�what a geek� or something like that. She�s pretty cool I think. I�m only writing about this because, well, I just wanted to because it happened today and I remembered it.

Tonight I hung out with Annu. It seems like she�s the only one left now. She is the only one I really talk about things with right now. I think we have a lot of the same personality things going on. I�m glad I became good friends with her. I think she is crazy, and that�s why I like her.

It�s cool outside tonight, and far away from my room my eyes are being turned in another direction for a few hours. Either way, I�ll be awake tomorrow the same person. No one else will have this. No one will have what I have right now. The ultimate contentment. The ultimate way to think right now. The ultimate breakfast, lunch and dinner. Now mine for the low low price of�.something, don�t ask any questions kid.

before & after