So this fine recording I�m listening to of Satchmo(my number one all time, any type of music whatsoever performer�hence my �name� on this thingy) was recorded in my home town of Boston at Symphony Hall in the winter of 1947. Every time I listen to this record I get the chills. I can picture the folks dressed up lining up on the corner of Mass Ave and Huntington�..wait is that where this place is?  I can feel how hot it must have been inside from the music and energy coming from the stage. Anyway, I�m not going to sit here and go on about romantic visions of music I will never get to see in person�I�d rather go on about the winter. I fucking love the winter man. I�m sick to death of the summer now. It�s pretty much gone at this point. My summer ended last Saturday as far as I�m concerned. I look forward to walking in the quiet snow along the streets in the city. I �m such a geek like that. I stay in in the summer, but like to walk around in the snow. What am I an asshole over here? There�s something comforting and completely serene about the winter when it snows. Late night snow. Not the 6 o�clock drive home in gross brown exhaust pipe snow, the snow that falls along my feet as I walk by myself, or arm and arm with my date. Okay, again, I�m getting soft here. Enough of that, I�ll save that for when I get a job at Hallmark.

This weekend I�m going to Albany, New York to see Phish for the 70th and 71st time, and then two more here in Mass on Monday and Tuesday. This will be my last �hurrah� of the year I think. After this, fuck it, I�m doing it. Wait, I�m doing something. I�m getting the shit together. I lost my copy of Mishimas� �Sun and Steel� I need to get another copy of that thing. If anyone wants to buy me a copy of it for my birthday, feel free�it�s November 3rd, same day as Adam Ant, Roseanne Barr, and�Mike Dukakis (do caca poo poo). That book always puts me in the mood to kill. Not kill, murder. Kill, doing things. Kill things with myself. Get shit done. I can read it in a sitting, as it�s only one hundred and something pages. I recommend it to anyone wanting a little boost. Right now, I need it. I�m doing good emotionally right now. I�m doing a little better motivation wise. I haven�t smoked pot in a week or so. Well, I had some Saturday night, but I was drunk and didn�t notice I was high�if I was. Some of us don�t even notice if we�ve just smoked pot, some of us end up throwing up in the backyard�Not a bad thing though. So, I have all this energy right now. I think my office is ready to strangle me. Even though I complain and complain about that woman in my office, I can�t help but be loud and obnoxious in there when I�m like this. I think, �shit this is how I really am maybe?�. Outgoing, silly, loud�I feel like an idiot, as people who know me know me how I usually am, quiet, sort of silly, but quiet and slow�I�ve been doing the stuff for a hell of a long time. I was doing the stuff EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY for a very very long time, up until this year, where I�ve had a lot of off and on times with it. Not doing it for a few weeks, and then doing it a lot. I can�t say I really know what the hell it feels like at this point. I know one thing, it makes me nervous and insecure. I�ve felt good all week though, and I want to continue it. I know this weekend, I�m going to be pretty much engulfed in the marijuana situation, and that�s fine (what did the Phish fan say when he ran out of pot? This band sucks : ) ). But I really, really want to start getting away from it as much as I can. It�s not helping me at all, and I�ve sort of mentioned it to people I know. �Hey, I think I really have a problem with this shit, what should I do?�, and gotten �then don�t do it� as a reply. So I�m in this myself I guess. I remember writing in here months ago how �I�m going to stop now!!�. I feel embarrassed about that in retrospect. Anyway, I should shut up about that now. I just feel like I�m not doing anything to my full potential, and it has a lot to do with it. Druggy.

I feel like I�m going through the same things I went through over and over before. Growing apart. Moving away. This happens. Did I fuck something up. Are my social skills that bad? Are the people around me bad? I don�t know what it is. I feel like I am going through some change though. Like I�m different, everyone else is different. We all have our own little things going on. We have different things that others may or may not be into, so we grow apart. I get a little depressed at this stuff now and again. Not enough to lose sleep over, but enough to notice it. Enough to say, �wait a minute, a year ago I would just call you, and we would hang out, no pressure, nothing weird going on�. I tell myself it�s okay, everything is still the same, I just analyze too much. But then I think of how time pushes onwards, people progress, regress, and go here and there. Tonight I was talking to Annu and she was saying how a friend of hers went to Burning Man last week, and then Annu invited her to go dancing at this club in Cambridge this weekend, and the girl was saying �Oh, I�m not into that anymore..� sort of in a condescending manner I guess. I hate that shit. �Oh, I�m better than that now� Sure, I�m better than I was when I was 15 and vandalizing or whatever. But when you�re older saying things like that is just stupid. I do it all the time though. �Oh, I don�t need a drink to have a good time�. Although, I�ve never felt like I needed a drink to have a good time, so there. I think I�ve been drunk twice this summer. Again, I don�t want to miss out on anything. I don�t want to do anything I won�t remember. This is why I was a little�depressed Saturday night. Thankfully I do remember the night, and everything was fine. I just wanted things to be a little more�important I guess. Such is the way shit happens I guess, nothing I can do now! I work for things. I want things to go my way. I want things to happen the way I think they should happen. Spur of the moment things though�well, they feel good. I will now have a funny thing to remember to go along with it. Dukes of Hazard boy�Jill. I was talking about her tonight. So a couple of years ago Stefanie told me �this girl likes you�. Me being newly �single� immediately jumped at it�I mean her : ) It was a moment of weakness. I have these from time to time. I�ve always tried to have some sort of standards for myself. I think everybody does. �I would never date a junkie with no legs!!�, etc. So I started �dating� her. This lasted about a month or maybe more. It consisted of us going out, getting fucked up, and making out at some point. Nothing exciting. Clothes stayed on. I told her I wouldn�t just have sex just for the sake of it. She was a little insulted by this, and eventually got distant. So she was one of those people that would always talk about getting fucked up. This was her life. Getting fucked up. Everyday was another story �and then we took mushrooms, and fuckin tripped out dude�. I have no idea how I dealt with this for as long as I dealt with it. She ended up getting married to some guy for about 8 months, I see her name in the paper from time to time getting arrested for drunk driving, possession of this, possession of that. So not my type, I laugh when I think back to it. I wince when I think that I could get tricked into seeing someone just because they were there. There have been a few similar relationships to his one. Short one or two month flings that meant nothing more than bad kissing, and worse conversation. I am tired now though. Tired of that. I grew tired of it right after it. Going away on a trip for a few weeks and coming back to my �girlfriend� in the summer of 99 and having her say �I missed you�, and me saying�nothing, and then having sex is something that just makes me feel like a complete fucking asshole in retrospect. Most people would say �well, you got laid� I tell ya though, it�s not even worth it. After being with the same person for a long time, and others before it for a long time, the little one night stands, and short relationships are so unfulfilling, they make masturbation feel like the best thing in the fucking world. Like Woody Allen says, �It�s sex with someone I love� I could never go back to that. I need the higher thing right now. I couldn�t just have a little �fun� right now. I get too attached. Not in a bad way, or an overbearing way. If I like someone I like them, that�s it. Nobody else comes into my mind at all. This is one reason why I got so emotional over the summer. Not that I ever for a minute thought that Heather was just �having fun� with me, but rather, I just thought it was it. I rushed. I ran yet again. I am not running ever again. I tell myself that. I feel like I can be myself now. I know what I want right now. It�s something I want. Sweet girl. The nice girl to make me smile and feel good in the morning and the night and the daytime. The one that stays in my head all day and night. That one. Not the quick fix. Not the one night of this and the one night of that. I keep writing about this in here, and not really looking in front of me. I�m not about to run around the internet and write words down without just doing something. I�ve lost my train of thought, as the CD has ended. Fuck.

Soundtrack � Rolling Stones � Exile On Main Street

So Tara is getting married this weekend. Tara was my girlfriend/best friend for a long fucking time. I miss her now. Not in a �god I wish she would take me back!� kind of way. I just miss talking to her. I really felt that she was the only person that ever knew me, and understood me. We broke up three years ago, and I got over it a lot faster than I thought I would, but I think about her from time to time in all different ways. All the little things about her. You always remember the last person you were in love with. And since we remained friends afterwards (hell, she may even be reading this�) I have never had a bad word to say about her in my entire life, and never will question her decisions. She was one of the most amazing people I�ve ever had the pleasure of knowing in my life, and I will always have good memories of her. I wish her happiness, and all of that in the future. Shit, I�m going to e-mail her right now, fuck you people. : )

before & after