There�s certain times when you reach some sort of high in life. This can be in a realtionship, this can be while playing sports, this can be while talking on the phone, making a bologna sandwich, anywhere. A Zen moment if you will. This happened this evening at band rehearsal. We had played straight for 90 minutes tonight, had a few visitors stop by and watch, and I fell right into a groove immediately. There are times when I go see bands that improvise and they reach this moment when everything is out of focus except for the music. This is what happened tonight. My night ended with that. The last note of the night. I didn�t need anything else. Nothing else could have fulfilled me like our music. Once the songs start playing you, you have something special. If you�re just sitting there playing your songs, thinking way too much about it, it starts to sound stale. I like this right now. I could not be anywhere else tonight after that. As good of a mood I was in overall. Nothing could have topped that. I hung out for a little while thinking about how I wanted to come home and describe it all. On my way home I realized it�s not really something I can describe. So that�s all. It�s good now. It�s perfect now. There�s no turning back�.On the other hand, there�s things over here. I came home. I have a date with the nurse. I have a date and couldn�t be late. My watch told me, wait I don�t have a watch. I lie way too much now. Stop lying now. So I come home to a phone book, and an empty piece of paper. I come home and I�m back at square one. You start at the bottom and work your way up. Nothing bad I said can ever be taken back now, even if it feels good to yell every once and a while. Do I get a vacation from these things. When do I get to close the curtains, draw the drapes. When am I free from the submarine submerged in bullshit. Stacked up like pancakes. Here�s this story, here�s this situation, here�s a little drama over here, here�s a mental list of things you should do, here�s mud in your eye pal. Thanks, especially for the way I get touched now. It�s all ten miles away. Don�t touch the freak. The leper has just returned from the island, don�t touch him, you�ll catch his bullshit. It wipes off, and it wipes on like a paper towel. The quicker picker upper. So I remembered vividly the morning. Driving up the route with the sun barely up yet. The sun waiting for me to go into my house before coming home. Slept like a baby that night. Slept for all of four hours and went right out into the sun. Walked in downtown Salem and sat on a bench waiting for something. A cab? A superhero. A girl with feathers in her hair and bell bottoms? Who knows what the fuck it was. Top of the morning to ya! It will remain that clear for the rest of my life. It will remain right there, see it, over there? Right over there with my other fond memories of days gone by. It�s over there with the trip to Southern Maine, the rides to Gloucester, the late nights painting and listening to Galaxie 500, the early morning drills, all of those are over there now. The morning of sunlight and realized dreams�only to be just that, a memory a few days later. Well, things move along. Even if I don�t let them. Even if I let them hang in the mud for as long as possible. They hang there and don�t balance anything out. They just sit there staring at me forcing me to be in these moods of complete hysteria. They make me feel like I really want to know what he thinks of the weather. Yeah, I really do care about that story about the �grocery store that one time dude�. Yeah, I�m out to rate your stories, and scripts. I�ll give the thumbs up when I don�t like it, and I�ll give the thumbs down if I don�t like it. Don�t ask me why I can�t tell you the truth. I swear I can�t hide everything, it all eventually will get pulled out of me by secret agents disguised as nurses and astrologers. It eventually comes out if I have to sit in that room with that bright light shining in my face. No shit, I�m only playing. Just shine that shit in my face for a little more, homey ain�t ready to spill the beans yet. I always plan on getting up, and getting on down but I can�t do it once I�m in. Once the hands and arms got me, my arm is ready, my head is sitting there waiting to be poked and cut into a million pieces. Sure, we�d all like to see it the way it�s supposed to be, but this is how it is and will always be. If you think about it, I can�t tell you what I�m feeling anyway, because you�re looking out the window when I tell you. I can�t take your eyes away from the door, the red carpet. I have no idea how to capture you anymore. I have no idea what it is about you that takes me into the room with the interrogation light in my face. I have no clue why I can�t honestly give you the straight answer about how good you drive the ambulance. I�m going to just tell you a few things because I like to see you smile. I like when you laugh and I like when you yell at me. Don�t be a hippie about it though, like me. Don�t just sit there and listen, tell me what the fuck I can�t do. Tell me about the room with two walls. I�ve kept secrets, I�ve kept them for the first time. Secrets only stay with me if they�re from the most highly respected individuals in my life. Nobody knows the secrets of me and this one, and me and that one. I�m not going to brag about blow jobs and sex with someone I love. I�m not going to just play the game Motley Crue style, on video. On the internet. I�m not bragging, but I have kissed�well, forget that, I ain�t braggin�, and I sure as hell ain�t spillin� the beans on this one. Just because I have a nurse with a handful of guest list passes doesn�t mean a fucking thing. It doesn�t mean I�m going to take anything back ever. I�m never going to deny any of this. There�s that song Deny Everything. That only happens in the presence of lawyers, and cops. I�m not going to the board of directors and telling them how good things feel. Nobody knows what some eyes do to me, nobody gets to know what come hands do to me. Nobody gets to know that, it�s over there remember, with the drives to Gloucester, the trips to Southern Maine�ya, all that stuff. It�s locked up. Do not open until�just don�t look in it, it�s nobodies business except two people. It�s not up for Siskel and Ebert (who�s the dead one?) to review. It�s not for a public poll. It�s not designed for a short announcement on the 11 o�clock news. It�s my only other fond memory of the last six months. I talked of one last night, and I talk about this one tonight. Only thing is, I�m not talking about it. End of discussion. I�ll try to remember what this is all about in the morning. For now, I have intense white light in here. The room is all white and bright and filled with energy that is different than the July 5th energy, different from the energy that takes place from time to time, or what seems like only weekends nowadays. This weekend has potential, except for a few minor inconveniences. I feel storms coming, so I enjoy the white room tonight, I rejoice. This will be gone Sunday night at 1:37 am. This will go out like yesterdays� news. If only I can get past the few other hurdles in the way, I�ll be able to slide into fall perfectly. I�ll be able to stand up still on my birthday. I�ll be able to find my way home every night with no nurse, no ambulance rides, no feathers, no glasses, no unstable ideas, all smooth sailing likeChristopher Cross . Perhaps I�ll find out if the earth is flat this fall. I talked about that all a while ago. It�s true. Look at the evidence. A once steady life, is now just a stupid looking sailboat in the storm. One of those shitty ones. I like how happy this feels right now. If someone comes in and stops it, I swear they pay. I swear they will never�The best way to my heart right now is through the back, and out and around. Run around first, then come on in. The best way to my heart is through legitimate looks of frustration and contentment. The best way to my heart is not through my eyes right now. I always look away at the last moment, turn around, go the opposite way, and pick up and leave. I�m working on that one. I�ll start working on that one first thing in the morning and have the results ready for review on Monday morning. I never cheat though. There�s no person to cheat off of, none of them know the procedure for open heart surgery on you. None of them seem to have the experience I thought I gained, and used well. Nobody else around has the tact. I have the technology, now I just need the ladder.

before & after