�I always fool around with my friends at some point�

�I don�t�

I really don�t I swear. Especially ones I don�t know that well anyway. So I just got back from my weekend out in the Berkshire Mountains for �Berkfest� which was basically all of the smaller �hippie� bands. I went with my friend Denise, she had a ticket, I was going to buy one there. We got to the place and a sign read �Berkfest Soldout�. I have no idea how that was possible, it was set on this ski resort with all sorts of different stages, vending of the legal, and illegal KIND. It was sort of a spur of the moment weekend thing, and I�m glad I went. I snuck past the people checking for wristbands, and saw 6 good bands for free. Denise was a little jealous, as she bought a ticket for $90 for the whole weekend. We got a hotel room last night somewhere in Stockbridge Mass I guess it was. I slept 9 hours for the first time in years. I enjoy hanging out with her, she�s from a completely different place I�m at. We have one thing in common, we enjoy those concerts I guess. Which is sort of how we met originally. I could never see spending a lot of time with her though. Even though she�s pretty intelligent, she�s one of those party people who talks a whole bunch about being fucked up�which is okay for about�five minutes. Either way, we had fun, no problems at all. Just that strange thing she said in the hotel last night that made me just go right to sleep. Thanks, but no thanks I guess.

My eyes are open but my mind is shut right now. Shut out the things that make me act like a fool. Shut out the things that make me feel like a pit is inside me growing. Shut myself off from the world. I can�t be a good boy everyday. I have the days off and the days on. I wish I could figure out what is wrong with me. When I can�t just be relaxed for more than a day at a time with my thoughts there�s a problem. Nothing like a good old fashioned friendship fuck up. I never meant for any of this to happen like the way it�s happened. It was never supposed to happen like this. I want to make it good. I want it to be how it was, which is how it should be. Two good people like us shouldn�t be victim to this sort of drama. If I hold so much value in our relationship why am I being such a moron? I�m impatient. I�m unsatisfied. I�m feeling like a target. I�m feeling like I could fly away. I know what it is I want now. I just want it to be comfortable. Comfortable to be her friend. Comfortable to be me. Comfortable for her more than anything. I never wanted her to ever feel uncomfortable with me. Ever. I never wanted to fear calling her. I never wanted to be more insecure as I am now. I just want the good happy times to return and see what happens from there. Tempting fate is a stupid thing to do, but I seem to be pretty good at it. Pushing fate out of the way saying �yes, this is the way it�s supposed to be� is apparently something I�m even better at. It�s 1:36AM I should stop writing about this right now then.

Other things from the trip:

* I saw the CEO of my company at a random rest stop on the way there. Some bluegrass artists from our label were playing, so I thought he may have been going. Once I got there I doubted that, as it was a very unorganized hippie festival and I couldn't really see him pulling his Lexus into the place.

* Saw some old friends from a few years back, as well as a girl from my home town I see now and again. She doesn't really talk much usually, after she had about 4 drinks she did plenty of talking though.

* Bought some expensive "nugs"

* I forgot about every single thing in my head the past weeks for 48 hours

* Hippies are okay in small doses like a weekend.

* Denise is very, very, very, normal.

* She had cocaine with her though...which I guess is normal nowadays. I would never even try the shit personally.

* Most girls at those shows do not wear shoes, or bras for that matter.

Work in 8 hours.....

before & after