Oh Joy!
2000-08-03 || cigarettes and iced water
Soundtrack � Grateful Dead � American Beauty

I haven�t beaten myself up in a few days now. I haven�t beaten anyone up with words in the past few days now either. I�m not going to flog a dead horse and say �I feel good right now� again. Enough already. Anyway, in the interest of wanting to actually make a point for once in my life�So I�m in a strange situation right now. Well, sort of strange. I made a joke of it tonight actually, that I made up yesterday. �Let�s have an online relationship� A joke yes, but not far from the truth as I see it, and that�s why I made up the joke originally. I always try to be honest in here when I write. I guess it�s supposed to be a journal, or diary so what else would you do? I�m not about to make things up. When this becomes the only means of communication between me and someone I hold dear to my heart, it�s a bit of an issue with me though. I�m ready. I�m ready to be this person in real life now. I�m prepared to do and say what I feel. I love writing here. I love the cool people I've met, and I like being in the company of some really good writers on here. There�s just certain things I feel like I should be saying in person, not through a middle man so to speak. When something I feel needs to be said I can say it. I do this around people I don�t really love, or like, so why would I hold back? I do have one more thing to say though�Well, it�s a story I guess I wanted to tell at some point�

So a while back, and there have been arguments of when it actually was, I met this girl. I saw her around from time to time. We always said hello, although she seemed as shy as I did. Somehow she became a friend in our small circle of friends. I always dug her, never really talked to her much, but liked how she felt. Or how it felt to be around her. I can�t really explain something like that at 2:30 in the morning. After a while we became friends that would call each other from time to time. My best friend at the time started dating her best friend, they sort of disappeared, and then I eventually started dating a girl I had dated before and I didn�t really see her for a while. When I did finally start seeing her again with my friends, we became a little closer. She had a boyfriend now, I was happy for that. One time we took a weekend with a friend up to a Phish show in Maine (the way life should be). We had a good time, and now were obviously friends. A short while after that trip I started changing a little. I had sort of a new group of friends, I had a new job. I wanted one other thing though. Unfortunately, she was already still someone�s �thing� (bad word choice, yes). This was sort of an off and on thing with me for a while. Other girls came around that I would develop crushes on, but she was always in the back of my head �well, maybe she�ll be single at some point again�. One night, last spring I went out with her and some other friends. I ended up leaving this bar with a girl I met up with there that I knew from years ago. I felt a little strange showing this part of me to my friends (3 girls). Me leaving with a girl to obviously go do naughty things. The next morning in the face of �guilt� I e-mailed her an apology, and sort of blamed my apology on the fact that I had a crush on her. After this e-mail she responded and basically said �you�re not ready, we hardly know each other�. I never mentioned anything about it again. I was nervous. I didn�t know how to bring it up. I guess I was intimidated by her for some reason. A couple of months later, we were out one night. I ended up lying in her bed with her all night. We kissed, and I fell in. This happened a couple of times over a few days. I was feeling very nice. I was conscious of the fact that we still had never talked about anything, but didn�t think of it in the meantime. She told me it wasn�t a good idea, it was quick, it was odd, and I could not communicate. This happened before I went away on my trip. I made a CD for her, and a copy for myself before I left. I listened to it a lot when I was depressed or lonely. When I got back I wanted to talk to her, but I couldn�t do it. I worked up some issues with myself and her, and went a little nutty for a week or so. This was one of the worst periods of my friendship with her ever. I never thought I wouldn�t see her or talk to her again. We were to strong people, we wouldn�t do that. I just spent a lot of nights upset that I couldn�t communicate what I wanted to communicate to her. I didn�t think she wanted to talk about it anymore either. �I guess I lost� I thought. We started talking again, and everything was okay for a little bit. I still felt the same way I felt though. I still felt it. I tried to put it in the back of me. Denying passion is an impossible thing to do, I wouldn�t recommend it. I do it every day though. Not expressing things clear. Not telling people things. Not being assertive. I have all this shit to say, but no courage to say it. I talk about strong this, and strong that, and I can�t even say something like �There are a million things I want to share with you. There are a million places I�d like to go with you� Denying how I felt, not letting it flow out of me. Thinking I�m going to find answers with other girls I don�t know. What is a crush on someone�s eyes if I don�t know a thing about them. About two weekends ago I wrote exactly how I felt about her. I wrote everything I felt at that moment. A tiny piece of how I feel most of the time. Twenty minutes of me writing a fraction of me and my feelings day to day. The past couple of weeks I�ve begun to feel comfortable around her again. I feel like�I can�t explain it. I just feel good with her. There�s a lot of things I will tell her. There�s lot�s of places I will take her. There are times I want to sit there and say absolutely nothing to each other. Like tonight, having her here being quiet is a million times better than a good conversation I could have with anyone else. Just being here with me is worth so many more things than anything I have right now. There are times when I want to lie with her a foot away from me and still feel like we�re touching. There are times when I want her to tell me about her day, and her about mine. At this point I feel like I am ready for something. It�s taken me a little while to figure out exactly what I want from her, and what I want to give her. I guess it�s simple. I just want to be with her.

before & after