So I spent the better part of the evening looking at some faces, looking at a newspaper, looking for some new music to buy, and looking through some web design book. I will hopefully be able to start making this look really nice...that's if I put my head to it, and keep it out of the murky water I seem to wash my head with every night here. I'm always looking at something and trying to figure it out. Faces. Is this person looking at me. Why? What am I wearing right now? Do they know I've had this shirt on for three days now? Do they know I'm thinking bad thoughts about them? Do they know I'm thinking good thoughts about them? I bring the CD's up to the counter tonight, and the really quiet girl who's a big mystery to me, sort of regular looking, real pretty, says "Hi, what's up?" . I give her a hihowareyouthisevening? and then can't make eye contact for the rest of the transaction.I'm in there three times a week practically (Newbury Comics). This is all day like this. And to think I had to host a meeting yesterday! I haven't been able to come out of this shell for my whole life, it's doubtful I will any time soon. I'm fine with it though, it's how I am. I don't mind it. When I want to talk, I can talk. I have approached people in the past (i.e girls...), and I've either a) made a complete fool of myself, or b) made just a little fool of myself. I just read the entry by the nice young pina colada girl a little while ago and it sort of made me think...She said she used to feel "oh I feel that way too", but is now jealous of me, and a couple of others...we always seem to find love, or at least have fum while we're looking. Forgive me if that's a misquote : ) Anyway, this is not true for me anyway. I am not having a good time right now. I am in a way, as I feel a big sort of change in me in the past few months, but nonetheless, I've been mostly unhappy, and haven't been what I think was myself for a while now. Perhaps it's a passing feeling, regardless, I wouldn't wish how I feel on anyone. I am really, really nervous lately. Not nervous per se, just acting nervous. I can't stand still, I can't sit still, I can't eat more than a meal and a half a day, and I've been smoking way too much. I feel nervous and anxious around my friends. On the defensive in sort of a weird way. I mean I rarely even see anyone that much right now, but when I do, I don't feel the same as I did say a year ago. I fucked something up somewhere. Did I do something I shouldn't have? I don't think so. Honesty. It works for me, it always has. Granted, I never talk about anything, so I can't really say I'm being 100% honest. I'm being honest to myself. Perhaps, this is why I'm feeling indifferent nowadays. Right now, I feel very dizzy. These words seem to just pop out of me. Half of the time they're just words. The other half, they are coming right out of my heart. The thrill is gone indeed. This is what Chet Baker tells me right now as I type. Work and work and work. I'm so bored. I can't get out of this house. Tonight was the first night I didn't really have anything planned. I did realize something today, and I guess I feel a little strange about it. I never really call anyone. On the days when I have nothing to do, if someone calls me, I'm more than ready to hang out and do whatever, but for the most part, the phone never rings during the week anymore. The weekend has become the time I look forward to now. I like staying in on the weekend nights. It's cheaper. It's cheaper on the wallet. It's cheaper on the mind. I don't get filled with aggravation and anxiousness. It's quiet here. No people out in the street. No little kids running around screaming. No cars speeding by with screeching brakes and loud Wu-Tang Clan music. I have the trees behind me, and the guy in the woods silently watching me and listening to me type and light cigarettes. I don't have to answer any questions. I don't have to explain anything. I don't have to drive back and forth. I don't have to ever look in the mirror to see how I look. It's just me here. I'd love to have a friend over here and there. The door is open. The room is ready for that. I'm not ready to go back into the general public though. I'm not ready to do anything like that. I don't feel like I could turn back to that at this point. This feels good in here. This feels like old times. I seem to remember a period in my life like this before. I have no problems with anyone anymore. Everyone does what they want I guess. It's not my problem if I don't agree with it. I just don't feel good anymore. I just don't want to go out and lie with a smile on my face. I'm so fucking sick to death of doing that at this point. Nothing out there is helping me in any way whatsoever. I have these conversations with friends now and again. I walk away feeling pretty good about everything. It changes back the next morning though. Drugs don't help it. Professionals don't help it. I haven't smoked pot in over a week now. I feel good about that. I haven't tasted alcohol since June 27th. I haven't been drunk in longer. I feel good about all of this. People are going to do it, what am I going to say, "you have no right to enjoy that?" I try and look out for people. But I stop when I realize it's no use. That's when I ignore it. Let them figure it out on their own. Nothing is any of my business. Nothing is anyone elses business. If I can't tell even my best friends of what would seem like pretty big things in my life, than what good am I? I'm no good judge. I must say I'm a bit depressed Sarah is not going to be on here for a million years. I won't have her to bug for a while...

I can't stress how much I'm sick of talking about myself right now. I can't stress how much I feel like punching the wall half the time. This is not the best way for me to figure anything out. I wish I had an answer, or someone did. I feel like shit I think, but then again, I don't feel like shit. I feel very happy right now. I overreact and spit. Vomit words all over the place.

Mike Simondiski. What a silly name first of all. Mike Simondiski was the town burnout. Long blonde hair, denim jacket, Black Sabbath t-shirt, etc. I was 12 or 13 years old smoking cigarettes under the pier with my friend Tim Lowe. We both had long hair. I remember Mike Simondiski came down with a joint. I took a few hits off of it, and felt nothing. I was so young now that I think back to that! I think at one point in my life Mike Simondiski wanted to beat me up for some reason. Maybe I stole a Led Zeppelin tape, or told someone I liked his girlfriend, who knows.It all falls back to Mike Simondiski though. he was a trouble maker. I sort of admired him from far away. He never hung out with us, just sort of showed up now and again to tell us about his new bike, his new AC/DC tape, or about some girl he felt up under the pier. Trying to be Joe Cool to a couple of impressionable youths. I can't say I looked at him as some sort of hero, but I remember fearing him. Years later, I sort of became Mike Simondiski. A burnout in junior high school. Drinking after school, smoking pot at age fourteen, listening to heavy metal, going to the principals office. I remember they even sent me to some sort of counselor. I wish I could remember that guys name, he was a strange guy. I have vague memories of him looking like a hippie. It was in sixth grade, and I was already being analyzed as a "fuckup". The one vivid memory I have of him was he ate "sauerkraut and..."something when I would meet him. They sent me to another guy after him. I think they were all fed up with me. "He doesn't say anything, he just sits there and listens!" Now why the hell would a 12 or 13 year old kid want to be sitting in a sterile room with some guy talking about why I was a fuck up. Okay fine, they put me on Ridalin. Anyone who was ever on Ridalin when they were a kid remembers it. You felt like a robot. Hyper, but you couldn't do anything. Sort of sat there "hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm" Why anyone would want to do that now is beyond me...So this second guy, Mr. Lazar. I think he eventually got fired for sexual something or another. He would yell at me for not talking. "You're not going to solve anything if you just sit there in silence kid!" I'm sorry, but I was thinking about Farrah Fawcett and Kiss records, I wasn't trying to soul search that young. I'd love to be able to see footage of what one of those meeting was like. Or see a file on me from then. "Christian threw a rock at another boy today", "Christian would not obey the teacher today", etc. What a joke. I bet Mike Simondiski would have just told Mr. Lazar to just fuck off. Either way, nothing was ever solved. I was sent to the same types of people in high school, and did the same thing. I just don't ever want to hear it. Who wants to hear what someone thinks is wrong with you. Nobody knows what's wrong with you except you. I can't even fathom how much time was probably wasted in trying to figure out what was wrong with me, while meanwhile some of these guys had all sorts of issues getting fired for touching people, or getting fired for being arrested for drunk driving, etc. How hypocritical. Perhaps it was the school I went to. I do know one thing, I felt pretty good about 5 years ago when I was dating one of the woman guidance counselors daughter for a few months. That woman hated me in high school....little did she know I would be having sex with her daughter years later. Ha!

No phone calls tonight. They finally stopped. It's over. Over as quick as it began. No cars outside with the engine idling. Just me and the person in the woods. I am now thinking that the guy in the woods is not a guy in the woods. It's a woman in the woods, dressed as a guy. Waiting to meet me. Waiting for me to just come out and say "I'm not looking for anything right now". My horoscope today says:"If you're looking for love, narrow your search to Wednesday and Thursday. Your choices should improve then. Venus now ensures that a new relationship will not be a casual connection. In fact, it could be both karmic and mysterious." I'm glad Venus is that important to me right now let me tell you.

out

before & after