Oh Joy!
2000-07-19 || where in the world is san diego?
So you get to work and on your desk is a piece of paper a bunch of pieces of paper a whole lot of paper I can�t deal with this much paper I think to myself I can�t deal with this many phone calls I think to myself I can�t deal with the fact that some people can just get this done no problem I can�t deal with the fact that I am now turning into frankenstein in here get away from me don�t call me my house has become the place I escape when nobody wants me usually nobody wants me usually nobody gives a shit how I�m doing most of the time people go through the motions if they cared they�d be here holding my hand walking me through all of this paperwork they�d be stuck in my head all day from the last phone call we had their voice would be just stuck there sitting there like an unopened can of soup warm and ready to sooth the soul on a cold day I can�t be bothered to look to anyone for advice as there�s nothing to tell anyone right now so what�s wrong with you oh well nothing really I just feel like this constantly like I don�t want to say a fucking word to anyone and give away secrets like I don�t want to give away my recipes for disaster and my recipes for self improvement the like the best way to go about this kind of situation is by taking this way out don�t tell anyone about this don�t tell a soul like the mafia I�ll have to kill you if I tell you the secrets I have way too many secrets I�m keeping right now I spend hours on the phone with my friend and I don�t even tell her anything I tell her what she thinks might be a situation I told her a good amount of things but none of the brand new new stuff like the phone calls and book store run-ins or the late nights with weapons and bad medicine I can�t tell anyone that shit I can be vague I�m always vague with everyone now though why I don�t know perhaps because it�s none of anyones damn business anyway this whole crap that is my life right now nobody has shown up at my doorstep with a bouquet of flowers or a letter nobody has let me clean them out or help clean me out it�s like this you spend all your life being a giving person giving an ear giving money giving material things giving rides then one day you get fed up with it all and need to get away god do I want to just move somewhere right now where I�m anonymous I love that feeling more than anything in the world being anonymous being the guy that just walks by who�s that guy not sure I think he�s new around here why does he look so happy not sure I think he found himself on the street over there last night I think he came from outer space whereeverybody talks about everybody and people spend time together and in groups and always with a companion and he escaped he needed to leave the planet he realized you don�t need anyone around you you don�t need anyone to receive anything you don�t need to be around anyone that isn�t giving you anything there�s no need for that where does that get you more conversations about the state of affairs and how good this martini tastes there�s no need for him to make stupid claims anymore it would be so much better if he just stayed away nobody wants to hear his ranting and raving about everything he doesn�t like and everything he does like who cares who he has a crush on this week who cares who he thinks is the bees knees who really does care it�s sunny out I have better things to do now the sun used to be my best friend ya know I wrote about it I always wanted to be in the sun now I get blisters in the sun and I get scared when it burns me it always burns me ha what a joke the fucking sun I think I�ll move to florida I think I�ll move to sunny southern california I think I will take a vacation to jamaica and sit on a beach all day if there�s anything I�d rather not do it would be that bring me the indoors in the summer bring me the typewriter and the weights bring me the tall glass of water and the cigarette bring me the head of the motherfucker who put me here.

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