Oh Joy!
2000-07-17 || why I'd love to marry Carry Nation
I just watched a girl eating a slice of pizza in the park outside work here. A bee was flying around her and she was talking to the bee as it landed on the slice of pizza. She was sort of talking to herself a little bit when she originally walked up actually. I love women who talk to themselves. Unfortunately, I can never find them. I find the crazy ones, but not �good crazy�. I get nuts and the like. Perhaps I�ll place a personal ad that reads: �looking for crazy girl. Good crazy girl�.

So Stefanie called last night at 1:35AM or something, we talked for almost two hours. We had a good conversation about just about everything under the sun. It was nice to connect with her after what seems like a long time. I sort of told her how I worry about her and her drinking, etc. Again though, it�s not me to say those things. I�m not about to change anyone just so I can feel happy. I�ve tried to learn to deal with people and what I think are faults and I haven�t really came up with anything. I just get aggravated and lost in my own thing. It has become evident though, and I talked to her about this, that I am moving away. Mentally. My old escapist self is a joke at this point. I don�t need to get out of myself for any reason anymore. I need to be myself, be in myself. Sure I�d love to get high, but right this minute I don�t feel like I need it. I�m already seeing that guy that comes out when I am completely sober. It�s a different person, a lot of times I think I�m more of an asshole when I�m like this though. I can see and hear everything around me. It�s nice to take in the sighs and sounds. But it�s also depressing. Oh this is what it�s like. Watching the drunk people at the concerts the past weekend was pretty funny. If there�s any kind of person I love to make fun of, it�s the drunk person. Pathetic. Obnoxious. Unaware of anything remotely sensible. Boring. Listening to a bunch of drunk people have a conversation is always funny too. Thinking they have all the answers, and these amazing revelations. Ha. Sure, I�ll get drunk again at some point in my life, but seeing people that can�t go more than say two days without a drink is scary. I feel confident saying that that will never ever happen to me. I feel better about it. I feel better than people about it because I am. Hey, I have a little more money than you right now pal. Hey, I know exactly what�s going on right now. Hey, when I get in my car tonight, I don�t run the risk of running into a tree and killing all of my passengers or an innocent. After all, you�re not innocent. This whole attitude started when I was young. Watching my cousin, and then what happened with me and him. Then watching a friends mother drink herself to death when I was 12 years old or so, and then having a 17 year old friend get killed because he decided to get in a car with a drunk driver, a stolen car no less. So yeah, it�s a little of his fault. Anyone that dumb�well I�ll stop right there�.nobody deserves it, right? Riiight. People make decisions and if they feel it�s the right thing to do, far be it from me to try and stop them. I�m always going to be using my brain though, thanks.

I�m falling asleep at my desk today. I got three hours of sleep. I fell asleep in the shower this morning. Thankfully I have my headset on listening to straight edge hardcore, someone just put on some really shitty sounding blues music in here. Blues music is either really good, or really shitty. This is really shitty.

I should get back to work now�

before & after