Oh Joy!
2000-07-13 || "I'm gonna be perfect from now on"
So I just had a meeting with these gentlemen from a shipping company, as we�re trying to find a new company to ship our stuff overseas with. They met with my boss and I, it�s funny because people come in from the outside with these business suits on, and I�m wearing a white t-shirt, and my boss is wearing shorts and hair down to his ass. It was okay, I always feel real important in those conference rooms with the huge table, comfortable chairs, and gold records and Grammy Awards surrounding us. Talking music with people from outside of here that aren�t necessarilly music oriented people reminds me a bit of the scene in that movie Office Space when the guy is talking about Michael Bolton.

�Wake me up before I go go� �Enlighten me, wake me up�. What is it with me? I fall for these women that wake me up. Women who bring the light to my eyes, that kick me in the ass to do something. To rock hard like Ted Nugent. Women that are goal oriented. Drill instructor women. Then, on a much smaller level of this, there�s the women who serve me coffee. I always fall for the girl serving coffee. Well, not fall, but develop some sort of crush. It�s these women who wake me up, even though coffee doesn�t have that effect on me anymore. They are there waking me up with caffeine. There hasn�t been one in a long time, but for a while there were all sorts of crucshes at the coffee shop. It�s a whole lot easier to deal with than say�a woman working in a fabric store. I would have no excuse to be there. You can get away with walking into a coffee shop 3 times a day. You walk the fine line between �regular� and �stalker�, but it�s a small price to pay to visit a nice attractive girl in a maroon/pink Dunkin Donuts uniform, or a green Starbucks apron. I was only reminded of this this morning when, getting my coffee at Quik Kava (which is to say, very mediocre coffee, but convenient) the young girl serving me had a nice smile. I can�t be bothered to even have crushes anymore though. Especially anonymous ones. It is fun to think about someone you don�t know for hours at a time, but in the end it never happens. You�re into someone because of what they look like, and we all know that is completely wrong. You should never judge a book by it�s cover. With that said, every good looking woman in the world is mean, evil, and against me. Hey, that�s not right, that now means any of my friends who are women are not good looking. Or they are all good looking, but I think they�re evil, mean, and against me. This couldn�t be further from the truth. All of the girls I know, with the exception of one of the women I went to dinner with last night are beautiful girls. They�re just a little evil, mean, and against me. Evil towards boys. Mean because they never comment on my color coordination skills in the fashion department. And against me, because they never want to go play pinball with me and drink fountain sodas. I�m falling steadily in love with pinball again. After a brief stint in Atlantic City with a pinball machine, as well as one at the movies the other night, I�ve decided to become addicted to pinball. There�s a place in Massachusetts, on the New Hampshire border that has arcades, rides, beaches etc. I am thinking of going up there tonight or tomorrow if I can talk someone into it. Most people don�t want to, as �the people there suck�. This is aggravating. Take last night in band practice the bass player (who should probably be spending more time learning our songs than judgin people) , after me saying we may have a gig at this bar in Salem say �that would be funny�. For some reason people think that bars and clubs in the city are just much more cooler than out here in the suburbs. Because the people aren�t dressed as hip as the city folk? Because they know music better in the city? This is complete utter garbage, and I called him on it. �Why would that be funny? Because you think the people aren�t as cool? They�re �white trash� out here, and won�t like us?� I could give a shit if anyone likes us to tell you the truth. They are so worried about what people think of the band that it's just going to make it suffer. Me, I like to play, if someone else likes it, well that�s good too. I think Paul Weller said that, or maybe Pete Shelley, not sure. To tell you the truth, I�d much rather play out here, where people are less pretentious, and have maybe never heard anything like us. You play in the city, you have a million bands �competing�. That�s one thing I don�t even want to be involved in, competition. Rules, etc. Just play, smile, and shut up. And never, under any circumstances talk to the audience.

�So what is your next move?� I�m not sure there even needs to be a next �move�. Not sure there should be any more �moves�. My next move, perhaps to be myself still. You can�t let go of feelings. Strong feelings. Feelings of hate, desperation, those are easy feelings, you take them in, spit them out, no problem.We all know weak people hate and are filled with negativity. (What does Morrisey say? �It�s so easy to hate, it takes guts to gentle and kind�) Feelings of love, adoration, those stay with you. You have to channel them somewhere else though, they just end up boiling up and turning into bad ones. I have tons of that still inside of me, I mean it�s grown for years. But in an effort to remain content I can�t do anything. That�s why there is no next move. There�s nothing to do now. Sure I feel a little let down, but that�s life, I move on, and I move on. I learn from these episodes I have. I can learn how to go about everything the �right way�. But what�s the use of trying to fashion myself after someones opinion of how it should go though? I am the way I am, I don�t feel like I really need to change at this point. Different people do things differently, different people need things done a certain way, but that�s no reason for me to doubt them, or say it�s wrong not to just take me as I am. I can bend, people can bend, but criticizing someone because it�s not working out is the wrong way for me to go about things. I�m a lot smarter than that, I�m a lot kinder than that. I just get frustrated and emotional if something doesn�t go my way.

I�m now considering moving out of state. I have been thinking about this for the past few days. I have people here, and family, but I realize now that I am into this being by myself thing a lot more than I thought. I�d love to make a start somewhere else though. So far I�m thinking Virginia, Tennessee, Vermont, or Maine. Sort of a big mix. Vermont and Maine would still be in this area sort of, so that wouldn�t be as big of a deal. I�d just love to get the fuck out of here and get a place somewhere. I don�t see me moving in with Matt at this point. There is absolutely no way I could live with a roommate right now or ever. There�s nobody I could remotely live with right now. Maybe Christian, he�s laid back, keeps to himself, and is generally quiet like myself. He doesn�t smoke though�.I should get back to work now

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