Oh Joy!
2000-07-08 || Evan Dando has left the building
Evan Dando said: "When you got problems you can't solve, it's enough to make you want to hate your friends". Ha, I know what he means...So I go out for the day doing some shopping and coffee drinking and I come back in a good mood. After the last week of moods ranging from mildly depressed to paranoia to just plain bitterness, I'm going to try and be a little more cheery. After looking at the newspaper today and seeing absolutely nothing good or positive happening, I realize I don't have it bad whatsoever. There are families and friends of people who were murdered, killed in accidents, missing, and everything else shitty that can happen to a human under unfortunate circumstances. So this alone is really just evidence that I am way to fucking dramatic. I don't fucking talk, I don't talk to anyone about anything really. There's little comments here and there, but it usually feels like they would rather not hear me. I don't blame them I guess. I originally started this because I love to write. I write every single day, either on here, in private, or e-mails to people I like. I've always come across a little clearer on paper (or monitors) than from the mouth. With me, my fingers are much closer to my heart than my mouth is. That's just the way I am I guess. So I started this as an outlet of things I normally don't say, and plus, I'd rather not hang out with someone and talk about myself for three hours. I know enough people like that, I don't need to join that club thanks. So I come here and start writing a little here and there, and then more and more. It is me right here, I like to keep things as honest as possible. I like to not hold anything back. I know for a fact that I bullshit on here though. I throw things out there that don't need to be thrown out there. I say things on the spot that I read later and say " I should delete that entry". But, since I want to keep it honest, I'm not going to go back on anything I say. That's cheap. My mood lately has been the worst it's been in quite a while. This has to do with the following: work stress the past three or four months, getting the bills organized and budgeting stress, some unpleasant family things coming up, and the imminent fear of ruining one of my best friendships I have. I guess that's the last one. I fucked up somewhere along the line. I just can't do this. I feel like an idiot, I feel lost, I feel confused, and I feel like crying. I have some of the coolest friends in the world, they're all different people with great backgrounds, good senses of humor, and an all around good vibe. But I can't go on being like I have been in the past. I know how I used to get years ago whenever something similar to this would happen. I was a child. I blamed myself on others. I said stupid things. Now, I'm 30 and I'm edging back around the corner to meet that guy again. I'm sorry though, I think I'm going to slap that guy in the face. He's an asshole. It's not me. I'm the fun guy who loves the company of everyone. Sure I do better in the one on one thing, but when have my friends ever caused anything at a party, or out at a bar that would make me need to be pissed. Being themselves is apparently not enough for me? I guess what I'm trying to say is "sorry". Ha! The guy who never apologizes get's on his knees, tried to find a god somewhere that will forgive him for being a jerk. Good luck kid. Just because I tried to fly a 747 before even learning where the cockpit was doesn't mean I should be all bitchy every single day. I'm glad I'm not a girl, or I would have an awful lot of new pairs of shoes right now ; ) I am going to do my best to remedy things and move along. I'm going to be me again, not this fuckhead. If you see that guy, the one from "back around the corner" please either tell him to shut the fuck up, or just slap him in the face. Thanks.....

before & after