Oh Joy!
2000-07-07 || in the interest of insulting my loved ones
Ahhh the weekend. A time of celebration. A time of big smiles. A time of no work. As far as I have heard, the days are getting shorter again. The fall and winter is back on it�s way. I love the fall and winter. I think I used to love the summer, but it�s now changed I think. The summer is filled with way too many human beings walking around and too much noise. It�s so quiet and serene in the winter. Nobody goes out. They�re all scared of the cold weather. Sure it gets cold as hell up here in New England, but it feels very good. You feel alive. The cold weather brings out something in people. Misery mostly, but I like it. I like walking around and seeing the other miserable people walking around. It�s a bit funny. I complain that it�s too cold. The guy walking by me complains that it�s too cold. I think the best things that have happened to me hae always happened in the cold weather. I don�t have many good memories of anything important happening to me in the hot weather. Nothing. Lots of fights and arguments in the past. Lots of me getting fed up with everything and everyone around me. I have more energy in the summer though. It�s hot as piss, but it feels almost good to sweat. Hence my working out more in the summer than in the colder months. So I�m in work, and everything is down again today. No outside communication. It�s like we�re held up in a bunker over here. Today though, everything is down, so we can�t even do any work. I�m writing this in Word right now hoping that the internet is up, as I�m not even sure about that.I have no idea if we can get e-mail from the outside. I wouldn�t know either because I don�t think anyone has written me in the past 2 days here�which seems a littls odd. It�s the same mood in here as it always is. People getting on peoples nerves.

�I love snorting stuff up my nose� That was a quote from someone I consider a pretty good friend. Not to me, but to someone else. It�s funny that when this was going on, she would try and hide it from me. It reminded me of when I was a little kid and my parents were doing all sorts of drugs and trying to hide it from us. They didn�t do that good of a job. On the phone: �We need some C�. Or getting up from a nightmare in the middle of the night and not being able to wake them up as they had been doing coke all night. Are people ashamed that they snort things up their noses? I remember a few parties I was at where she woud come out of a bathroom and have something on the end of her nose. �Were you in there with her because you were eating pussy, or doing coke?� I always wanted to say that, but didn�t. I do have some manners when I want to. I would have probably respected her a lot more if whe had just talked about it with me and did it in front of me. But to hide shit like that from friends is pretty lame. If you�re doing something you feel embarassed about, it�s probably safe to say it�s wrong.. I think around this time I started losing trust in people again. Not really into getting real close to someone but leaving out major parts of me. If that�s not a major part of someone then I don�t know what is. It doesn�t really matter anyway. I�m a completely different person anyway. No we don�t really have that much in common. No, I don�t look at anything like you do whatsoever. Confusion is not a virtue I share with you, sorry.

So I only kicked him 6 or 7 times. Nate kicked him a whole lot more than I did. I mean I was the most pissed at this guy. I had the reasoning. The other 3 guys sort of hit him here and there, but didn�t say the things I said to him during this. I think his mouth was invisible and red at the end of the whole thing. His wallet is probably still in the bushes where we threw it. If we were going to get caught, it would be for robbery, not a hate crime. That was the last time I did anything like that in my life. I�ve wanted to, but never have. That was the one and only time I ever snapped. I didn�t want to be touched. I didn�t want to go home with a man. I didn�t want to be harrassed over and over. I wanted to buy records, and go home with my friends and listen to them. I wanted to just be the guy walking by. Someone says �no� it generally means �no�. It�s not funny to sexually harass someone. It doesn�t really happen to men as much as it does to women. But every once and a while it does happen to men. I haven�t snapped since then. I can�t see ever following someone around and then beating the living shit out of them until they are crying all over their white t-shirt and tight jeans. I can�t see ever being in a gang or something like that. But I also can�t see ever going up to another man, touching him without his permission. Being persistent, and not expect to get my ass kicked. I can�t even remember how long ago that was, but it sort of scared me into being a non-violent person. It is sad to be on that side of a situation like that. It�s sad that that happens every day. I can�t imagine turning into that guy right now. I haven�t been harassed like that since though. I saw the man recently right near here. I had long sleeves on, and sunglasses so I don�t think he recognized me. I could still picture him crying to us to stop. I can still picture his eyes looking up at me as I gave him a last kick and spit on him. I will never turn into that person again. I almost wanted to go up to him and apologize when I saw him. I know it was him. You would never forget someones eyes. People don�t understand people. I don�t. I don�t know how someone is going to react to something I say or do. I try and say and do what I want. Never to strangers though. You never know who�s around you. You never know if you�re standing next to Charles Manson or Mr Rogers. I don�t care to ever bring this shit up again, as it�s almost as embarassing as being a coke head. But I saw the man recently and it brought something back that was way hidden in the attic of my brain. This has been the best place for me to clean the attic out as nobody wants to hear this crap in person.

before & after