Oh Joy!
2000-07-01 || as i was saying
Okay, so I've quite literally just walked in the door about 5 minutes ago to my home. I have the one more show tomorrow evening in Connecticut, and then it's all fucking over. Currently, I'm a happy man, I'm a depressed man, and a not as tired as he should be man. It's just near 5AM and I can see the sun coming up outside but I have a lot of shit on my mind from my vacation, and I'm going to start anyway. First things first though, I've learned a few good lessons:

1) Trust yourself, no one else. Maybe trust is a strong word, but if anything was proven once JG showed up, I was much better off by myself. I can't be around people that need to control, as well as complain about every single little fucking thing there. I can't stress enough how important it is for one to take off for a little bit by themselves. I felt like my vacation ended the day I picked him up, and then it was just hanging out with someone 24 hours a day for half a week. The main point of this "lesson" is actually, I am bound to spend the majority of my time by myself from now on. I had too much fun by myself, I realize just how much I actually act like myself. There's not one person in the world I'd rather be with than me. I just want to continue to be this. I don't really need to tell anyone my problems and wants and needs and goods and bads, I don't need people to wake me up in the middle of the night, I don't need to wait for people in the car when I'm ready to go now. I just don't really need anyone right now, and I feel happy for that. Not that I don't like anyone, I just don't feel like stopping now.

2) People in the south are better than people up here. That's sort of an obvious one though.

3) Nobody in Nashville wears cowboy hats.

4) I miss Massachusetts.

So all and all the trip was good, I just got down maybe 4 hours into being with him, and felt "this is going to be a long four days", and shit it was. Aside from the Phish shows, going out to get something to eat is a whole fucking event with him. Being at the shows we need to meet every single person around us for 10 feet. Not that I'm that anti-social, but I really could care less who the guy next to me is at the show. I'm there to have a good time, he's not going to help me out on that.

So I can't imagine being the same guy I was when I left for the trip right now. I can't imagine going back to all of that shit inside my brain, I can't imagine going back to Bleachers every weekend for drinks. I want to go back to the old old person I was, "no, I'm going to stay in and...", I have no idea why I got back into the bar scene, perhaps because I thought my idea of a good time would be found there. Perhaps I thought that doing any sort of brain damage is an intelligent thing to do. The quiet early nights seem to be more appealing at this point. I did so much driving that I couldn't bear to stay out late for at least a month now, my mind is in a haze, this is probably why I'm writing this grumpy bullshit. Shit, scratch this out, I'll finish this tomorrow.


before & after