what a whole bunch of fucking noise in my head right now. I am content still, and generally happy. I feel like spending a few days by myself though. I feel like I get more shit done when I don't need to talk to anyone at all. I guess the hell that is work is getting to me at this point in time. I always pull through these periods unscathed so what's the big deal. Number one rule: In the long run, everything means nothing. Number two: Nobody matters but me right now. If I can't make myself feel good what is the point of even being around folks. Sure, i show this this silly fun-guy side, but most of the time I just want to drive off into the sunset. I look at everyone I talk to everyday and wonder if they think like I do. Most likely not, but it's nice to try and find it in some people.

At work I have so many different people I see and interact with I pick up on their personalities. First, theres PJ. I went out with her once on a "date". At first it was just hanging out, but I guess we changed that when we got back to her place at night. She's not my type at all. I felt lonely, and I guess I did what most men do when they find themselves feeling that way. No I didn;t use her for sex. I never had sex with her, I kissed her, and didn't realize what I started. I talk to her now(months later) and feel stupid sometimes. She is so not my type, I have no idea why I would do that to someone. Lead them on like that. There's the people in my office. Most of the time I get along with everyone, actually, 99% of the time. There's just those certain points when I just want to say "shut the fuck up!", or "why is this so hard for you to figure out? Can't you fucking do anything right and make my job a little easier you fucking moron?". I guess it's good I'm not anyones boss, I'd fire everyone until I found the perfect group of robots. I have refrained from e-mailing and calling people for a couple of days. I seem to talk the same shit everyday, complaining, acting self absorbed. I don't act like this to AR though. I feel very comfortable around her. She always makes me smile, I've yet to get mad at her for anything. Not that that comes with every friendship, but I've had a nice time with her. Perhaps it's because I see her maybe once a week. She calls me, I see her in work in the morning sometimes and it always makes the beginning of the day much better. I think I may see her tomorrow evening actually. She mentioned wanting to go out. I have a prior obligation in the early evening though. Hopefully that will end early. Unless I get arrested...I'm testing out New York City again in a couple of months, what a trip that should be. Hopefully I will see some things I missed last time...Today I'm not "in love" with anyone for the first time in many a moon. That's a little strong actually. It seems like I constantly have someone on my mind, or am just thinking about the concept of a girlfriend in general. It's a bad way to be. I know they say "someone will just show up, don't think about it so much". Me saying that makes me think about it that much more. I get jealous when I see other guys with their women. I feel selfish, like I'm some kind of expert at relationships (yeah, that's why I'm not in one!), and I should be there not them. I know all the great places to take women! I know all the things they like! All the things they want to hear! Yeah, that's it. I'm the greatest man ever...Maybe I will go for the picking up women drunk at the bar lifestyle. The fooling around is always fun, you don't have to talk about anything interesting or any "hard" stuff like that. Yes, this exactly what I want to be when I grow up, a slut. I couldn't even explain how difficult it is to walk into a crowded place again. I thought I got over that a while ago, but now I fear it again. Facing people staring at me, and getting attention from people I don't know is a rough thing for me yet again. I feel alienated. Even with the people I know, it's tough. Do I look okay? Am I talking too much? Am I talking too much about myself? Do I actually have anything in common at this table in the long run? Writing at home is supposed to take the weight of any self absorbed behaviour off of a person isn't it? The weights feel good right now anyway. I love feeling the pain in my arms, chest and abdomen. Right now my best friend is this program I am slowly putting myself back on. Actually come to think about it, sleep would probably be a better friend right now.

out-

before & after