There's no real good reason for a man to be drinking coffee and lifting weights at 2am when he has to get up at 7 am and go to work. Then again, there no reason why anyone would be out getting wasted the night before they have to go to work. I think I want to find a third job, or try and squeeze another day out of the record shop. I quite enjoyed the torture of working 7 days a week like I did before. There's something good about having your day planned out, and not have to worry about ever having to make plans with anyone, "sorry, I'm working". I know in the past I've said I like to improvise everyday. I do, when I'm off. But I enjoy my routine, it keeps some sort of sanity inside me in a twisted way. I'm about to start reading Mishimas' Sun & Steel again. It is one of my favortie books, I've had my copy for 10 years or so(I can't believe I can say things like "ten years ago" and it means "when I was 20"-yikes), I always bring it on vacation with me. It's travelled all over the United States. I need to get more of his books, I have a couple. None as inspirational as Sun and Steel though. Sure, it's a "guys book", but it always inspires me to get more discipline in my life. Perhaps not as much as him, but...I almost hit a bunny on the way in to my house here.

I just got back from the show with AR at the Middle East-Project Logic. It was pretty good. I had one beer, and didn't enjoy it. Near the second half I ran into my friend HM's younger sister, so that was good. She's a nice kid.("kid" i sound like a real adult now!) I saw some guy dancing and giving her the up and down. I was ready to attack him if her grabbed her, unbeknownesthoweverthefuckyouspellthat to anyone around me. I enjoy going out now. I took years off going to clubs and bars. Maybe it's just all the people, watching them, and trying to come up with stories for all of them. "Is this girl this loud and obnoxious at home?" "Does this guy really think he's going to get laid with those Goddamn shoes on?", etc.

I've been thinking about death constantly lately. I don't want to deal with it again. Does everyone have to lay in a bed dying? What an awful thing it really is. I can't imagine what it will be like. I can't avoid it, and that is bugging the fuck out of me. How are my close friends going to die. Will I know them at that point. Why haven't I experienced the death of a close friend? It seems to happen to everyone now and again. I had a friend hit a tree with his car about 13 years ago and die because the driver was going so fast the engine came through to the front seat and crushed him. That was so long ago. I can still remember exactly where I was standing in the hallway of school when my friend Danielle came up and said "Chris got killed last night". Chris was a cool guy, more of a mutual friend. We knew each other, but I would never call him. He was 17 when he died, and playing drums for one of the bigger punk rock bands from Boston, The F.U's. The guy driving had taken Bonesy (his nickname, as he looked like a skeleton-last name Jones...Jonesy, Bonesy-) from a party and stolen a car while drunk. I still see the picture from the newspaper every single time I pass the tree they hit on West Shore Drive in Marblehead. Of course, the asshole driving took off after crashing. He survived somehow, and was eventually arrested. This was one defining moment for me to abstain from alcohol...the next was my friends mother dying from liver damage from alcohol...the next was my girlfriend at the time becoming a lush and fucking 5 of my friends behind my back. Nothing good has ever really come out of drinking for me. I guess I'm beyond the "being an asshole because I don't drink" phase, as I've been drinking a little here and there. It is fun now and again. A good escape from that routine, and my normal personality. I guess I just don't want to see any of this shit happen to any of my friends. Which brings me back to death. I almost feel an impending death of someone soon because of it. Could be just a passing feeling from out of nowhere though. Who knows...at this point, I'd rather just live and let live. Hang out with the bunny rabbits I keep seeing on the road. I've seen a few in the past week or so. Who the hell are bunnies? What business do they have coming into my life so sudden like this. I do not need bunnies. I need girls, easy, loose women with no morals. Who just want to fuck all day and all night. Right...that's exactly what I need right now. I don't think I am going to call JC back. I know why i want to call her, but I also know why I don't want to call her. I guess the average guy would think I'm crazy for not calling her. But that evening was just that, "that evening". I don't need to relive that, as much as I'd like to. I'd like to just find the right girl. I thought I did, but apparently not. So instead I just sit back here again waiting for fate to do something good for a change. Something a little more worthwhile than a drunken make out session in the car ("make out session"-sounds funny, better than "drunken blow job in the car").

3 am is the cut off for this blabber and smoking session.

out-

before & after