Every day I come to work I have to deal with more people who don�t do anything unless you bring it up. People who do things only when something happens. Nobody here, or in my personal lie is ever pro-active. I have no idea how people keep jobs or relationships like this. This is most likely cause they are used to having shit fed to them every fucking day. Oh, I feel so safe at home, my lover is here to protect me and hold me when I don�t feel good. I need a hug. I think I�m gonna cry. I love you forever. I think that I want to stay with you forever and ever. This is so great having you attached to me like this. The minute I get out of work I am going to come home and you�ll be waiting for me at the door to greet me. Oh, it�s gonna be so great. When you leave me though, do you think it will be cool if I am completely miserable around everyone around me? When you finally leave me, do you think it will be okay to cry even though I�m a guy? When you leave me do you think I can call you names like �slut�, �whore�, etc. to take the blame off of myself. I really am kind of looking forward to us not being together anymore. I can start making some more phone calls. I bet all of my friends will want to hear from me, and hear how miserable I am. I could maybe call some of those people from five years ago and see how they are doing. I don�t think I can make it by myself. I don�t think I can make it without her. I really want her back now. When I come home from dinner now, and I am stuck in that sterile kitchen eating blue fluorescent chicken breast I poke at it with my fork for a few minutes, before retiring to the bedroom where I keep myself awake crying every night. Every waking hour is hell right now. I wish she would come back soon. I fucking hate that douche bag. I can�t believe she did this to me. I could fucking kill her. I could fucking kill someone. She doesn�t realize how good of a person I am. I only told her she couldn�t have guys as friends metaphorically. I told her I was all right with it. I told her she should have friends who are men. Deep down though, way deep down inside, I know this is wrong. Men and women can�t be friends. Especially my girlfriend. She doesn�t need any guys around her. She will fuck them if she hangs with other men. You see, I don�t trust my girlfriend. I love her to death. I love my girlfriend. I trust her more than anyone in the world. My girlfriend would cheat on me the first chance she got. Guys all want to fuck my girlfriend. I wish my girlfriend would never talk to another guy again. I wish my girlfriend would tell me she loves me and give me a hug when she gets home tonight. I wonder where she went tonight. She told me exactly where she was going. I make sure we are in communication throughout the day so that she doesn�t cheat on me with another guy. If my girlfriend fucked someone else, that would mean she doesn�t love me anymore. If my girlfriend started hanging out with other guys, and had alcohol she would fuck them all. My girlfriend would be filled out like an application. One in the mouth. One in the pussy. One in the ass. I really wish she hadn�t left me. I really wish she would call me and tell me why she did this to me. I can�t figure it out. I don�t know why she thought it was odd that I wanted to be with her and only her for the rest of my life. I don�t know why she left me when I told her I would love her more than anyone I�ve ever loved. When I listen to that Tori Amos CD I am reminded of her. When I jerk off to her now, I shake myself into a fantasy involving her and someone else by accident and I start crying. I wonder how she would think I look if she saw me sitting her with my erection in my hand crying to myself in this shaded room? I wonder if she knows that she ruined my life. Man I hate women. They are all evil. All women are evil and all they want to do is break hearts and fuck other cuter guys. I love my girlfriend more than anything in the world. I love that she will be here when I come home from work. I love how warm the bed is when I get in at night. I like how it feels when she touches me. I hate her. I can�t believe she�s leaving me with all of these freezing pillows and giving me a chance to take the blanket. Hey, look at it that way. Now I don�t have to worry about stealing all of the blanket at night. She always complained about that. In a funny way though. Sort of the way she would use that silly voice sometimes when we would wrestle around on the couch. That fucking whore. I can�t believe she�s done this to me. She doesn�t know what she wants. Yeah that�s it. She has no clue what she wants, she�s a female. They are all evil. You can�t trust women. I can trust myself. I would never cheat on her. I would never think about other girls. I like when the guys and I go out and look at every single thing with a vagina that walks by us on the street as a potential fuck target. I like that me and the guys are complete fucking pigs. Forwarding each other the most cheap pornography of women being exploited. I wonder if my girlfriend would still want to marry me if she knew I sent my friends a picture of a woman on her knees with 4 guys standing around her ejaculating all over her worn face? I wonder if my girlfriend would still want to be with me forever if she knew I would fuck all of her friends in a heartbeat, especially that real short one with the huge tits. She�s hot. Maybe my girlfriend is out with her right now talking about wanting to come back here to me. Maybe my girlfriend has my phone number on speed dial. Maybe she will call me this week. Yeah. Oh yeah. She told me she would call me this week when I ran into her and that girl she hangs with at the bar the other night. I hope she calls soon. I don�t know how much longer I can go on like this. I hope somebody calls me soon. I can�t be alone. I am so scared of myself, I can�t be alone. I need someone to tell me they love me every single day of my life. I need someone to tell me that it will all be okay every day of my life. I need somebody who understands me. I need to get out of this life. I need to stop doing this to myself. My couch is freezing. My bed is freezing. She is frozen solid. That girl is frozen and she has taken the only thing that matters in the world, me, from me.

***

It�s warm out today. The sun is shining bright. I had the car washed on my late drive to work. There are a million things I don�t want to do today. There are far too many tasks I need to finish before the day ends. I really shouldn�t be spending any time on the internet fucking around. This weekend we may go to Maine for the long weekend. I need to keep traveling, at least once a month. How anyone can�t do this is beyond me. I get sick of being idle for too long. I enjoy seeing strangers I will never see again. I enjoy seeing tree lined roads I see once a year. I enjoy the time I can with the road and how it makes me feel.

before & after