My high speed modem thingy or something stopped working a couple of weeks ago. I called my provider. Didn�t really get much accomplished except for an event number (555460) from the gentleman on the other line. They tried to call me a couple of times, I missed it. The first call I made was on January 23rd. After a couple weeks of less time on the internet I called again tonight and actually got through. They cancelled my event number because they tried to reach me three times and I never got back to them. I told the guy �I went away to Baton Rouge for a little while� and then became paranoid that he may have been in Baton Rouge and started asking where I went, etc. I don�t even know what state Baton Rouge is in. Florida? Michigan? Is there even a state called Michigan? A few months back I remembered Wyoming existed.

So tonight I spent 45 minutes and 37 seconds with this man on the phone. We laughed, we cried. It was an emotional rollercoaster on par with a relationship with an Italian girl. Not really. I think the last time I had my penis held by a doctor was more exciting than this phone call. Basically it amounted to him saying �ummm, okay now let me just put this information in your account�, etc. I tried to get a little fun out of him making comments like �I feel like Fred Flinstone using dial-up again!�, �I feel like I�m surfing the internet on a surfboard made of lead!!�, nothing from him. �I really need to start having pictures of hot wet pussy riding gigantic rock-hard fuck sticks come up on my screen a lot quicker�. That one failed to work as well.

Who knew Lisa Bonet was in Biker Boyz?

Finally at one point, and he really did say this, after me thinking �I bet this man is an African American�. He said �I gotta tell you someone is cooking some greens, with like some bacon in here and it�s making me really hungry�.

Kid Rock is in this fucking movie too!

Where the fuck is he working that they are cooking greens and bacon? At Flip Wilson�s customer service call center in Wichita, Kansas? Furthermore, what the fuck are �greens� anyway. Save yourself the guestbook entry, I�ll use Google. �black people greens recipes� should work.

I think Kid Rock may be out-acting Laurence Fishburne at this point in this film.

I�ve written a slew of new shit. I also have written a letter to the government the other day, when they open it and read it it will say that they are suckers.

I like Margaret Cho. I mean I don�t want to make love to her in a ritzy hotel room listening to Mike and The Mechanics, but I think she�s kind of funny.

I almost went to see 5 different movies yesterday, and ended up staying in. I was going to see The Lord of The Rings 3rd movie until I realized, like all action fantasy sci fi movies, I have absolutely no idea what any of the first two were actually about. From my understanding, this is what I got out of the first two films:

There is a ring that makes you really powerful. This little hobbit named Bilbo has it. That wizard dude has it maybe, and he gives it to Bilbo. At one point, it�s dropped on the floor. Some kid that�s a famous actor kind of is Bilbo�s nephew and now has the ring. The next thing I know I wake up and there is an angry dwarf and the wizard falls into a pit of fire after getting pulled down by the tail of a giant fire demon guy. No black people ever show up in this film.

In the next film, we find out that the wizard made it out somehow, he like landed in a lake or something. Some other dude that looks like him is trapped on a tower. Or maybe it was him, the original wizard guy I was just talking about. At some point he shows up in the woods and scares a group of dudes, who then realize who it is and although not as �street� basically have a �yo, my nigga!� type exchange before continuing on. In the midst of all this confusion there are elves. Every time they come on the screen you wake up because it gets real bright. The nephew with the ring is traveling with that kid who you think is fat but when you seem him in People magazine now, he�s not really. They also have some schizophrenic Steve Buscemi looking thing traveling with them. They sneak into this place that has a big wall. But not before going through this swamp where dead bodies float under the surface and scare you. A couple of other hobbits are taken hostage by orcs and end up escaping during a battle at night with some other people or something. They are in the woods, and end up getting hooked up with a ride by a tree that walks and talks. They then all meet up together along with some people that were in a village with a king and told to leave in some big castle thing. Soon after the bad guys come and they all fight.Ladders are an integral part to the battle. The movie ends there. I don�t remember who wins at the end of the second one.

I�m hoping in the next one a unicorn comes down and rescues all of the people, and then puts the ring on its horn and takes off into the night, leaving a trail of magical stardust that lights up the sky like the gauged out eyeballs of Stevie Nicks.

Sorry, but I think Barbershop II will be a better bang for my buck at this point.

Plus, how can you not see a movie with Eve in it. Owww!

�I know you didn�t drink my juice motherfucker!�

before & after